Feeling so confused & lost in life

[confusedofengland]

I will start by saying that I don't really know what I want from this post - sympathy, empathy, a kick up the backside or maybe just a listening ear. I just know I need to get it out, so if you get to the end, thanks for listening.

Lately I am feeling really confused about what to do with my life & like I am wasting my time & my brains & I don't know how to fix it. I am struggling.

I am 43 years old. I have a degree in French & German & a MA in translation- which I obtained in 2004. I did some translation work for a while after my MA but it never really took off. I found it difficult to get work as I had the qualification but no real experience.

I have 3 lovely Dses, the eldest of whom is 12, the youngest 7 & in his last term at Infant School. DS2 is 10 & has quite high special needs (DLA, 1-1 full time at school etc). I stayed at home to look after them as DH was creating his career (3-year degree then climbing way up in TV industry, so long hours) & we had no childcare available- my mum is an alcoholic who I sadly wouldn't let look after my DC, DH'S parents are too far away & we couldn't afford paid childcare.

Once DS3 was in the 15 hours of state-funded nursery I realised I wanted to do something other than housework & got a volunteer position at the village library. This eventually led to a paid, zero hours contract with the county libraries. I love the work & in some ways would love nothing more than to be the chief village librarian. I am currently the regular 'Saturday girl', which I am enjoying. It pays barely above minimum wage. I am still volunteering also & waging a campaign to drive visitor numbers up.

I do have a nagging feeling, which seems to be increasing, that I have wasted a lot of my life & my qualifications. I speak 2 foreign languages fluently & another to A-level standard, yet I am doing nothing with them. I have various ideas floating around about using them, but I don't know if any of them will be truly fulfilling - teaching DC languages, creating a programme with DH, running a French evening for adults.

I do know that my days seem kind of pointless filled with cleaning, tidying & TV. I feel a nagging sense of guilt now that the DC are getting older. But I have to be around to do this & pretty much anything related to the DC as DH is doing a Masters to further his career - work dried up over the pandemic, sadly. He also does some paid work, which pays the bills. We are just about managing financially, certainly no money to spare.

One final complication is that my grandparents lean on me heavily for help - transport to medical appointments, shopping, days out can take up between 3-10 hours per week for them. My parents can't do it as they work & my mum can't drive following a small accident where I believe she may have been drinking (but this was never proven either way).

Has anybody ever been in a similar position & has any sage advice for me? I feel like life is passing me by but I don't know what to do! Apologies for the length of this.

Nothing is ever a waste.

I forgot to add that a colleague mentioned that my work is offering 'librarian qualifications' the other day so I have asked for more information about that. Although I don't know if another qualification is the answer!

Could you tutor languages to boost your income, meet people & use your very impressive skills? You can set your own hours & number of pupils to suit your lifestyle.

Your life doesn’t sound like a waste to me. You threw your considerable brain power and skills into raising three children, you support two elderly people in need and you are working in improving access to books, which had great moral and social value. That’s more that most people can boast!

However, if you feel differently, then that’s ok. What needs to change? Reading between the lines, it seems career is the biggest issue for you?

There is loads of translation work out there so you certainly could go back to that if you felt like it. Takes a while to get your foot in the door but once you've proved you are good, you are unlikely to want for work! You'd need to get up to speed with the latest tech, tools etc but there are very active, supportive communities out there if you need them...

I think these thoughts are natural - and unsettling - in middle age. Do we all have them? The person with the huge career perhaps wonders where their DCs childhood went, the part timer has a foot in both camps and yet in none and some yearn for a career.

I certainly have similar thoughts and see paths I haven’t taken, quietly shutting. Covid hasn’t helped as there is more time to ruminate.

I don’t have any answers really other than to let you know you aren’t alone. But being there for people should never been seen as a waste IMHO.

Another one suggesting tutoring, online would allow you to reach a greater audience

What strikes me about your post is that your life seems to be devoted to what everyone else needs, the DC, DH, Grandparents. Maybe it is time to carve out some time for you? Can your DH take on a bit more at home? Is there any other support available for your Grandparents? That might free you up a bit to have a think about what interests and challenges you.

Thank you for the replies. I wasn't really expecting anyone to even read all my jumbled thoughts, I just had to get them out, so I really appreciate replies.

I do feel like my life is now largely about other people & I just have to squeeze me in where I can. My sister was telling me sorrowfully the other week that she can't possibly help with my grandparents or when my mum has another 'incident' because she works 70 hours per week. That did frustrate me as I feel that I am enabling her to work those hours by doing the family stuff. But we are different personalities & I could never not be there for my dying grandparents & I wouldn't have liked to put my children in FT childcare from 6 months old, as she did. But it did get me thinking.

The idea of tutoring or translating sound good but scare me. I wouldn't even know where to look to start. What would a tutor programme look like, for example? Is there somewhere I can look to get training? And how do I restart in translation with no recent experience & a big gap? I have been browsing job sites but they all require experience, which I don't have!

I also lack confidence, which both my sister & my DH have in bucket loads. People look at them & say wow. I don't even really think they look at me at all.

Sorry, this is jumbled again & now I'm crying, so I'll stop.

Writing all this today has really set me thinking, so I haven't even done much housework today, let alone anything else! Between drop-off at 8.45 & pick-up at 2.45 can go very quickly or can really drag, or sometimes both

When I was a translator, proz.com was a great community. Lots of helpful forums on how to start out, etc. Might be worth checking out.

I'll have a look at that, thanks Gastropod

Only a short post (time related) but giving you a big hand-hold.
I was very similar only a few months ago, because of mumsnet, largely responding to a post like yours, I am now studying Horticulture at a botanics center, and im having the time of my life.
My life was endless cleaning, looking after animals, DC and just feeling largely lost.
Responses on MN pointed me in interesting directions and gave me that little kick to believe in myself. I'm forever thankful!
Now I am studying something i love and even if it doesn't take me anywhere (I'm hoping it will) I will at the very least know how a garden works!
Wishing you all the luck in the world, I thought I was beyond learning anything new, but turns out on my course all walks of life and backgrounds are there, life is never passing you by.
Will keep following. Good luck.

You are enabling your sisters career and I doubt she really deep down appreciates that and that's ok. She may have career status, a pension pot and income you don't, that type of thing can't be taken with you when you go, careers end eventually as does the status. Some people just are selfish and not family people unless they want to use family, some are hedonistic and have fear of missing out - on fashion and friendship excitement type things. I would leave them to these people, when times get hard they will hurt you by using you and never being there for you, they don't appreciate you, more fool them.

I understand the dying don't regret not spending more time at work.

I recall my selfish parent telling me prior to their surgery that they were unsure they would recover from, how very sorry they were not to have spent better quality and more time with me. The people they spent time with where nowhere to be seen. They survived and returned to the way they had always lived. I will not be there for them next time and I have zero guilt.

You sound like a decent person, more fool them not appreciating you, lucky you enjoying your children and grandparents.

Ps. Just to add quickly, I was so nervous and anxious on my first day, i was shaking, didn't want to go, stressing. Suffered with terrible migrane due to the pure stress of being away from social skills, im only a few weeks in now, but i went, I saw others who were just as nervous and now we are all getting to know each other and it's much more relaxed.
Don't let lack of confidence control your future. Everyone else you meet will have felt the same at some point.

I think you are a kind and intelligent person and three kids including SEN and elderly family and alcoholic mother. You have given so much to everyone else.

I think I would do the librarian course but look into tutoring for GCSE or A level.

You sound a bit depressed. First, get a cleaner. Next decide whether you want to train as a librarian. If you love the work and want to be chief librarian, that sounds like a good option. Whilst you’re doing it, do some online tutoring to give you options.

If you decide to leave librarianship, have you thought about training as a tour guide?

Start prioritising yourself and encourage others to sort out other solutions for their problems. It’s not your job to pick up the pieces all the time at the expense of your own well-being.

I found this helpful: www.forbes.com/sites/peterhigh/2017/07/10/two-stanford-professors-share-secrets-on-designing-your-life/

What you say really resonates with me. I'm about to turn 50 and feel that I've lost my way a little for various family and work reasons. I'm a fan of Edna Mode's saying 'I never look back, darling! It distracts from the now'

Sometimes crying is therapeutic confusedofengland. Don't be hard on yourself.

Here's the book should you be interested: www.amazon.co.uk/Designing-Your-Life-Perfect-Career/dp/1784701173/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=designing+your+life&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1619455013&sr=8-1

Here's a quote from the interview that might be interesting to you OP

'When you are in your 30s, you might form a family so your concerns are children, work-life balance, and how your primary relationship fits in. In their 40s, people are sometimes pivoting out of their first career. Maybe it was unsatisfying or they are bored and want to try something else. People we meet in their 50s and 60s are moving from the money making side of their life to the meaning making side. They have some money and they might retire, but they are not going to sit around and do nothing, they want to accomplish things. In each case, these tools are power tools to help you figure out what is next.'

I have had similar thoughts, though I'm a bit older. I think it's a recentish modern dilemna, of well-educated women, and the pressure to use that education. I too chose to work round family commitments, and would do the same again, but it has hampered the career stuff. It's such a shame the family investment isn't held in the regard it should be. But I too fall into the mindset of 'I'm not using my education properly'. I suspect I need to reframe what properly looks like. Maybe it doesn't have to be the more conventional corporate route.

I wonder if the tutoring is an option for you via Zoom? I think lockdown has increased the numbers of people prepared to do it online, and I know someone who tutors people half way across the world, which would have been very novel pre the pandemic.

I would definitely take up the library qualifications. Being in charge of your local library would not be a waste of your qualifications.

I wonder if you need something else, just for you? Some hobby-time that you can ringfence as far as other commitments allow?

I think you need to rope your sister in to help with your grandparents and while your at it make sure you are getting enough help at home with housework.

I found this recent interview with Tracy Emin very inspiring:

'Before we finish the interview, Emin eyes me cheekily and says: “Men only ejaculate once, but women have multiple orgasms.” Excellent, I reply. What are you on about? “Men tend to tail off as they get older. They do their best work between 40 and 50, then they’re done. Women often keep going and do their best work after 50.”

She wants to emulate those women. She sees her life as a trilogy. “When I was 18, I was more honest and had more clarity than I did when I was 35, when I was confused and lost my way. I was a silly twat in some of the things I did – and a lot of the criticism of me was fair. Now I’m in part three. I’m more mature. I’m softer but tougher. I want to project myself into the future and not think about the past. Regret doesn’t help anyone. I’ve got time now, perhaps 30 years. I want to use them to make my best art.” www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2020/nov/09/tracey-emin-cancer-love-exhibitions-pyjamas-birdsong

Sort out a hobby that's just for you - I'm trying out running. I work in an academic library (no librarianship qualification but I've a PhD). All sorts of things you can do with a librarian/information specialist qualification.

*While you're at it I meant. Oops

Even more replies, thank you There is a lot for me to think about. I'm also kind of glad - in a selfish way, sorry - to hear that it's not uncommon to be feeling like this. I think Spongebob has hit the nail on the head with the feeling of 'I'm not using my education properly'. I feel it more keenly now that DS1 is at senior school & I'm encouraging him to work hard, which he does, all the while knowing that I worked hard & got good grades all to end up in a minimum wage job that I could have done with just GCSEs.

A few people have mentioned tutoring & I agree it's something to look into. I don't know where to start though! I don't how confident I would feel tutoring a child as o don't know how to do it. Ideally there would be a formula out there that I could use to start off with.

I do agree that my sister & indeed DH should step up more, but sadly I don't think it will ever happen. Having said that I can't resent the DC or my grandparents for taking up my time & I would make the same choices again.

I honestly am so confused