How to support husband and

[Wanttotouchflamingos]

Long post warning
I am seeking genuine advice regarding my situation. My husband has always hated his professional jobs till now.the first one he quit 2 years back ( engineering role) because it wasn’t challenging enough for him. So he did an really expensive part time degree which was 45k whilst in his previous job to change his career. As the degree was very intense it created a lot of problems between us as both of us couldn’t cope that time as we just had baby , but eventually managed to put outwit differences aside and I supported through his exams and everything. After this degree he couldn’t get a senior role , so he took a junior role in the same industry with the hope of moving up the ladder. After a year now, he doesn’t like this job as it’s too intense and I can see that he is really struggling and miserable which in turn is affecting his performance . He is now given notice for this job and now his plan is to get into business when I return to work ( after maternity leave) . I am very annoyed and upset with all this. I know I am being unreasonable not being supportive at this time, but I am so tired of his change of plans all the time. The money he is planning to invest in the business is a huge amount.He sold his flat last year and had some equity which we planned to use as deposit to buy a good house next year ( if and when the prices go down), so it’s a substantial amount. I genuine don’t know how to support him and be helpful when I feel so annoyed and upset . He is saying I am being critical and not supportive( which is true). But we have a toddler and all I wanted was to give her a good life, we planned to buy house 2 years back and it fell through . Now his business plan means we won’t be able to for next few years. Honest I don’t trust him, because he has changed his goal post and plans so many times that I am unable to see past all this.please tell me how to move forward. I advised him to take few months break and look after our toddler( while I am back at work) whilst looking for job, but he is fixated with the business idea. And really sorry for the typos or other errors, my mind is all over the places

I don't think you sound unsupportive, rather the opposite.

You probably got a dreamer on your hands, the type that thinks if I only did xyz, I wouldn't have to work so hard and have a 'big' job title etc. Giving it a year to go from junior to senior is erh optimistic.

Him investing in yet another venture after such short time and with a young family is selfish and may be just another failure. I would ask him to give it five years to settle with his new degree and work hard to achieve the job he longs for. If he is the dreamer type this could be how your future looks and investing in your family will not be a priority at any point.

Otoh i can't see if he has been sacked? If so he might just be desperate?

Agree you don't sound unsupportive just realistic and justifiably disappointed. After 'investing' a huge amount of money and support, effort in his degree (and at an already expensive/busy time for your family) he is now wanting to spend a huge amount more in a risky business venture. And what's to say he won't decide in a year that this isn't what he really wants to do either or that it's 'too intense' and wants to move on to the next thing (running your own business especially in start up phase and when it's your life savings at risk is super demanding and stressful, unless he's currently a fighter pilot or emergency medic or similar I can't imagine his current job will be less stressful or fewer hours than starting his own business although maybe stressful in different ways)...

If he is genuinely stressed and unhappy in his current job as opposed to just bored/itchy feet, I think you would be unreasonable to 'make' him continue (a year is probably long enough to tell if something is really for you), and besides as he's resigned it's clearly a fait accompli. But what he needs to do as a responsible grown-up with a family to consider is look for another job that at least brings in some money/gives some stability as an alternative (if he's not prepared to be a SAHP and let you be the breadwinner). Ideally something in a related field so the degree doesn't go to waste but if it needs to be something else entirely, even low-skill work, so be it, but at least he'd be making a contribution. Perhaps the compromise can be that he starts up the business in his spare time and on a smaller scale/without requiring huge upfront costs, if that's possible with the type of business he wants - e.g. if he wanted to buy a restaurant, try running a mobile catering van or takeaway service at weekends to start with? Then when he can show it's profitable and that he def wants to stick with it, that would be the time to make the big investment. Or if that's not possible, can he get a job in the same field but working for someone else (e.g. being a chef or restaurant manager in a restaurant), to bring in an stable income and gain experience (and again, make sure this is really 'it' this time before taking any irretrievable steps)? If whatever it is truly is going to be a lifelong passion for him that shouldn't be too much of an ask, after all how many people just get their 'dream' on a plate whenever they want it, without having to graft and prove themselves first?

I don’t think you sound unsupportive either. We have all met men like this who think they are so much better than they are. And spend their lives being miserable they don’t achieve it, and always make it someone else’s fault.

I think you need to assume you’ll be the stable influence and he’s going to be fucking about miserable for the rest of his working life. They seldom come good.

I think you have gone out of your way to support him as a pp suggested I think you may have got yourself a dreamer rather than a doer
You haven't said how old he is but it sounds like he only wants to be in a senior / management/ owner position, all of which need a fair bit of work , time and experience
What happens if he sets up his own company with the flat money and is then not challenged enough , bored, needs more money to invest ? Needs further qualifications
I can't imagine he's really ready to settle into a 'job' yet hence the jumping around

Exactly . That’s what I asked him. I asked him to take a break for 3 or 4 months, look after our child and look for jobs , while I work.But he seems fixated with business venture. Another one of his reason is that he can look after our child better if he is in business as hours are flexible, but I genuinely don’t understand how! When you are venturing into business you need to put in more hours in the beginning to make it work . It seems like I need to prepare for what’s to come next and have to live with the fact that we are going to be in a shitty flat for next few years.

Many thanks for all the replies. Looks like i can’t change anything and I dont want to force him to do something that he doesn’t like for the sake of it and become insufferable.

I always dreamed of owning a business. I now do. It’s extremely hard work/long hours and, with all the outgoings, my earnings are variable (sometimes I can’t pay myself or have to top up if we’ve not had a good month, in spite of working more hours than my staff - their salaries are a must); managing staff can be a thankless task; I have no-one at work to ‘take care’ of me - the opposite: I have to take care of everyone and the buck ends with me etc. The big thing to mention is - he might think he’s going to be his own boss and to an extent that’s true. But I have clients, some quite demanding - I feel like they are all my ‘bosses’! And if things go wrong/come up at the weekend (as they did yesterday), it’s me who has to drop all my nice plans and return to my desk. There are many advantages to owning a business (or so I’m told ), but I often think it’s better to be employed! My big advice is: he must do a realistic business plan and get a professional to look it over. He’d have to do that if he was borrowing the money. Ensure he’s thought of all the pros and cons and taken into account all the costs (including unexpected ones). And like pps have said - if he could start smaller and run alongside a job (maybe PT) and/or gain experience in a similar business, that would be a wise move. Good luck with it all - you DO sound very supportive.

He’s very self indulgent, isn’t he? All about him, what he wants, you’re just expected to raise his kid, traipse around after him, accommodate his little whims and live in a shitty flat while he sounds all your money down the toilet. Er, good luck with that.

*splurges all your (joint) money