What’s this horrible feeling called?

[whatsthisfeelingcalled]

I’m working through therapy for anxiety . One of the tasks I’ve been given is to identify situations that cause anxiety, and note down my thoughts and feelings at the time.

So today I’ve gone for a lovely three mile walk in the sun . Got home and suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of wanting to cry, and cry; keep thinking what a lovely day I had and that they won’t last forever and something bad will have to counter it .

Then worrying about what that will be .

I really enjoyed my walk, so why do I feel so sad on getting home again? It’s the same anytime I feel content or happy - within minutes I feel crushingly sad and upset . I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts that life doesn’t last forever . I can’t let myself enjoy things in case that feeling comes .

I’ve got a diagnosis of PTSD with OCD .

I’ve noted it all down in therapy diary but it’s overwhelming and almost putting me off trying to feel happy? It’s like I have to keep busy or moving to stop myself from crying .

Regret, loss, fear of change, fear, disappointment? Any of those? Hope it gets easier

Foreboding

Not an expert, but we noticed with our Dc and particularly the ones with attachment disorders (foster carers) that good, exciting things were always followed by a dramatic slump.

We'd have a lovely day, then there would be dramatic fighting in the car coming home, or a refusal to get into the car, or some other hard to understand drama that meant every outing ended up soured.

There's something about transitions that can be very hard and unsettling. So the end of one thing and the start of another.

Also a feeling that the good times weren't deserved and so won't happen again, making it particularly bitter when they end.

And just overwhelm. Over excitement and stimulation followed by A storm of emotions that leaves you feeling exhausted.

We ended up avoiding 'great' days in favour of 'good' days, so the transition wasn't so dramatic.

Being prepared for your own feelings is a valuable tool in your armoury.

You could prepare for a lovely sunny walk, and remind yourself that a you ar allowed it, and b you might feel a bit flat afterwards but that's ok because you can go again tomorrow.

Does any of that ring a bell?

The good thing about feelings is that none of them last forever. So although the happiness doesn't last forever, neither does the despair or grief or sadness you've described. If you try to just notice and acknowledge it, as you have done beautifully here, and leave it be, maybe just give it some curiosity and a polite hello like you might with a new neighbour down the road, then carry on with your day, the sadness will pass. It's when we get in a tussle with our feelings and try to analyse or get rid of them that they tend to stick around.

If you've been through trauma then it's totally normal to find strong feelings a bit difficult, including the happy ones. When the sadness comes just let yourself cry, make sure you've got some top luxury tissues 😊 It will pass, and it doesn't mean you're failing at happiness. Sounds like you're doing great with your recovery

Fear of death - negative
Bittersweet - positive

Remember, toddlers quite often confuse negative/positive emotions.

Ds recently told me he was happy and scared to go see a friend. Turns out he was ‘Es-cited’

That doesn't sound very pleasant op to experience that, but well done for recognising and describing it. Hopefully this should be really useful material to work through with your therapist. For now, hold onto that thought - things can and will get better. You ARE allowed to be happy.

Best wishes.

It sounds like you have two fears - 1 that if something good happens to you then something bad must also happen to you to 'even it out'. 2 that you have a fear of dying (or at least life ending as it doesn't last forever).

To me you have things a bit backwards, you don't want to be happy because life doesn't last forever and being happy reminds you of that, instead IMO the opposite is true and you should make the most of life because it doesn't last forever - and feel positive that you are doing lovely things like the walk because you are making the most of your life.

Perhaps you could turn the wanting to cry around from something negative to something positive - could you cry at how lovely and wonderful the world is and how lucky you are to be able to do the fantastic walk perhaps? Then let yourself cry - but happy tears of how lovely your walk was - perhaps take some pictures and look back at how lovely the walk was and let the emotion out. I think trying the repress the emotions and distract yourself might not be what you need right now xxx