Body dysmorphia is ruining my life

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I honestly really don't know where else to go with this because it can be incredibly isolating. I also hope maybe someone who may have been through the same thing could advise me as to what kind of help may be out there.

I am 38 now and had bulimia on and off since my teenage years. I was bullied horrendously and also had very bad anxiety, but I pretty much recovered from the eating disorder alone without any treatment which I know I should commend myself for because that's not easy.

However pretty much for all of my life, I has had crippling low self esteem. I was always told I was attractive, beautiful even and had strangers time and time again comment on how I look. It really began to make me hate how I look even more and also drill home even more that I was worth nothing if I wasn't attractive. I started to feel old and past it when I was just 25 years old and was already getting fillers at that age when I didn't even need them. I suppose it didn't help that I was friends with people who were quite shallow. I also lost the only woman I ever really loved when she was just 33 (I'm a lesbian). She died of anorexia so obviously I'm still heartbroken over that.
There are people I can talk to about things and I have an amazing Dm who I can speak to about anything and she knows how much of a struggle things have been for me.

Things seem to have got even worse since lockdown and I have isolated myself more and more. I can't stand anything about myself and think I look hideous so I don't want to go out. I'm totally aware that I'm my own worse critic, I'm extremely kind to everyone else and am the first to help anyone when they need it.

I just feel like I don't know where to go with this. I currently see a therapist but it's a man and I just don't feel comfortable in opening up to him. I saw an amazing therapist before Christmas but quit because I was finding it too expensive. However I realise now that the money should not matter and this lady had been through body image stuff herself so she really got where I was coming from and was lovely to speak to.

Has anyone been through something similar or have any words of advise or anything that worked? I was going to post under the mental health thread but thought more people may read it here

Treat yourself to the woman therapist.

Go back to the woman therapist or voice your concerns with your current therapist and see where it takes you.
Take this phrase with you to therapy: 'I'm totally aware that I'm my own worse critic, I'm extremely kind to everyone else and am the first to help anyone when they need it. ' It doesn't matter how kind you are to anyone else, ultimately you need to make friends with yourself first.

Pay for the therapist you want. I dallied for ages over whether to do this, having short term therapy on the NHS. If its not the expensive one there are others. You could try opening up to the current one, but I wonder whether its truly his gender or just the fact you don't click. Clicking and feeling comfortable with your therapist makes the process much easier. Although I agree sometimes too that sometimes its just you need to talk to a different gender. Anyway its empowering to take control of the process. Good luck .

I would get rid of all mirrors apart from a pocket one just to check your hair isn't standing on end. Stop looking/thinking/worrying about how you look as much as you possibly can. Start going out again slowly, go with someone you trust to things who you know doesn't judge you on your looks - isolating yourself is absolutely the worst thing for you. Do some voluntary work that is about helping and thinking about others where no one will be thinking about what you look like. Get rid of all the shallow friends and concentrate on the few who are genuine. Stop spending money on fillers and spend it on the therapist that you felt comfortable with.

Thanks so much everyone, you have all given me some great advice and lots to think about. I have decided that I'm going to contact the female therapist this week and arrange a session with her. Even if I only go every fortnight or 3 weeks I think it could help a lot and I have to see the cost as an investment into myself