What ducks do you get in a row when you’re about to leave a very dishonest man? Sage advice needed

[VickeryDickeryDock]

Hi- name change for obvious reasons.
I will try to keep this brief.

I have evidence that my controlling H of 14 years has been cheating for the best part of 14 years

I’m so sad about it but after a weekend of feeling sorry for myself I now need to plan.

How do I avoid being screwed over like my SIL was when she left the family (BH has law and accountancy specialists in the family who helped BIL dodge paying a LOT and she’s now in a bad way financially and emotionally)

I’m wondering about drawing out all of our savings as I fear he will cut us off to gain controls when I end the marriage.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated to protect me and the DC

Anyone?

I’m no expert but I see no one else has answered so far. You need to get evidence of as much financial information as possible. So bank statements, pension info, stocks and shares if applicable, mortgage details, insurance policies. Print it all out or take screen shots.

I think there's a pinned thread on relationships where people break down what you need to do.

It's about copying documents whenever you can, bank statements, pay slips etc, so you have proof of savings and income.
Having your own docs safe- but don't move them if you think he'll notice.

Hopefully someone will be along that knows there stuff- I know people here are really knowledgeable and helpful.

Thanks ladies.
Feeling a bit lost at the moment. The solicitor has already advise I make copies of stuff which I have done

Well done.

I think working out a viable plan is key- you take the advantage by knowing what you want and working towards it, being proactive. Sometimes (unreasonable) guilt for leaving causes women to try to appease their ex, or let the ex control how things are done.

Don't be that woman.

Well done for getting started.
Where will you live, if there are dc what do you want to happen?

I think I remember you posting about your SIL before.

You might want to move this thread to relationships where more knowledgeable people hang out. It would normally get better input than this!

I want to stay in the home
I think he will attempt to cut off finances so my immediate thoughts are sorting out practical matters before he can do that-

Can you take half of everything you can get your hands on now? Obviously don't spend it but document it.

You only way you can beat them is to be quicker than them - but unfortunately the system prevents that.
Get as many assets in your name or at least joint names and try and get the joint ones frozen.
Unfortunately thru can wipe out and transfer anything in their name and in my experience the judge won't give a shit.
Having children helps a little as your ex might want to keep good relations with them by not screwing you over?

@saltychoc what do you mean wipe out and transfer?

I mean:
The other party can spend everything in the account the have access to and put the into OD
Or transfer property/assets into a third party's name.
This happened to my sister - the judge (male, white, old) didn't care and she was left with half of nothing

Do you have joint bank and savings accounts, or are they separate? If you work, which account is your salary paid into? What about his - where does that go? Which account are household bills paid out of?

His pay goes into a joint family account (all bills paid from this)
Joint savings

I am pretty sure he’s been hiding money
I have a small job money goes into a separate account in only my name- house in joint names

Isn’t it illegal to take out all the money then apply for a divorce? I thought i could only take 50%

Isn’t it illegal to take out all the money then apply for a divorce? I thought i could only take 50%

I think this is correct so don't do that until you've checked whether that's the case.

It would also raise the alarm with him of course so is a big risk factor that shouldn't be done until the last minute.

I think you need proper legal advice ASAP. You're being really brave OP, well done