Colleagues always think I'm tired/fed up/stressed when I'm not

[bluuuue]

I'm quite a quiet person but I make a lot of effort to socialise at work and be warm and friendly. However, every now and again a colleague will say "oh you seem tired, has it been a long week?" or "you seem stressed, are you ok?" and things like that when I feel perfectly fine and content. It always takes me by surprise as I never notice my behaviour/attitude has changed. I end up feeling really embarrassed and saying "oh yeah I'm feeling kinda tired" or making up that I have a headache or a reason for my supposedly different behaviour.

What might be causing this and how can I address it?

Perhaps you have a resting tired face, or rude colleagues.or both.

Resting bitch face?

Tell your face that then...

I'm wearing a face mask though so only my eyes are visible so I don't think it can be RBF

You can ask what makes you say that?

Or not feel embarrassed and say no, why? Or just no.

It could be your posture or your voice. DS has a very flat voice with a downward lilt. It makes him sound pissed off even when he is feeling fine. And DH walks all hunched as if the world was weighing him down. People used to stop and ask me if he was OK as they had seen him walking around looking so down. He's perfectly happy and chilled all the time. Just looks miserable.

I have a face like this so consciously try to look smiley and people dont say that anymore. Its shite though.

I used to get these comments constantly. Then I started getting Botox between the eyebrows. I frown when I read or concentrate so that made me look cross/tired.

@CryptoFascist

I used to get these comments constantly. Then I started getting Botox between the eyebrows. I frown when I read or concentrate so that made me look cross/tired.

I'm tempted to do this for the same reason. Not vanity, just sick of looking so cross when I feel fine.

@Cowbells I hear you! I haven't regretted it at all. Also get it in the corners of my mouth to stop me pulling a sour expression when concentrating. I think it helps me get along with people as my expression actually matches my mood now.

I have a serious case of resting bitch face, until they knew me better colleagues used to ask me what was wrong all of the time!
What strikes me though is that you make up a reason to fit what they say rather than just say I'm fine or no I'm not tired but thanks for checking.
Maybe they're worried about you as everytime they mention something you come back with a headache etc.

@JustGiveMeGin

I have a serious case of resting bitch face, until they knew me better colleagues used to ask me what was wrong all of the time! What strikes me though is that you make up a reason to fit what they say rather than just say I'm fine or no I'm not tired but thanks for checking. Maybe they're worried about you as everytime they mention something you come back with a headache etc.

That’s what struck me. Why not just say ‘No, I’m fine, why?’ rather than invent a reason? Why invent a completely untrue headache or tiredness to fit a colleague’s misinterpretation of your demeanour?

Years ago when I was working at a high school, the cleaner who worked on the corridor my office was always asking me this. Every day she would be working in the the corridor and when I was going to and fro, comment on how peaky I looked, or ask if I was coming down with something. She was a lovely woman and it was just her way of showing that she cared, but it did get a bit wearing after a while! So you have my sympathy, OP. No idea what to do about it though.

You are basically Albert Le Blanc (its a lovely kids story). It is annoying being asked what the matter is when you are fine but being honest in your replies might help retrain people.

@JustGiveMeGin

I have a serious case of resting bitch face, until they knew me better colleagues used to ask me what was wrong all of the time! What strikes me though is that you make up a reason to fit what they say rather than just say I'm fine or no I'm not tired but thanks for checking. Maybe they're worried about you as everytime they mention something you come back with a headache etc.

I don't know, I never really thought of it but now you mention it it is quite strange that I always make up an excuse. I think I feel embarrassed that my behaviour has come across badly and been noticed and feel like I need to somehow justify or excuse it by giving a reason for it so they don't just think I'm being miserable/grumpy. Being quiet because of a headache seems more socially acceptable to me then being quiet because I'm feeling fed up or want some peace and quiet. I also don't want my colleagues to think I'm stressed as that suggests I'm overwhelmed at work and can't cope.

I should also add for context the colleague who usually says this is one who has been quite rude and dismissive of me in the past. I am conscious that she may be trying to portray me in a bad light in front of others by bringing it up that I seem stressed/fed up/annoyed/tired. I think if it was any other colleague I would be more honest and say I'm fine.

I used to have a colleague who, at least 3 times a week, would burst into my office at 8am looking desperately upset and like she was on the brink of tears - I mean holding her breath, biting her lip, tears actually in her eyes, face scrunched up. I’d say initially “oh my God are you ok? What’s happened?!” and she’d say “nothing? Why?! I’ve just come in to say hello before I start work ”.
She honestly looked so upset. I’d seen her cry before and she looked exactly the same. She was always so huffy with me after I asked if she was ok, that obviously I stopped asking. Two other colleagues were in my office when she burst in one day and they did the whole “What’s happened?! Are you ok? Do you need a cup of tea? Sit down and tell us” thing while I never batted an eyelid and she got huffy, actually genuinely angry with them as she thought she looked normal. The minute she stormed out, they asked what the bloody hell that was about and thought it was really odd. I don’t think she ever was about to cry, she just had no awareness of how she was coming across.

Could people have thought you were a bit snappy with them or do you speak to people in a flat or irritated tone? Have you been ok in yourself recently? Or maybe just a bit flat and fed up? I’d say if it’s multiple people then it could be that you are unaware of how you are coming across. If just one, she could be trying to undermine you, play mind games.

I’ll hold my hands up and say, if someone has repeatedly been a bit short or off with me at work then I have asked “is everything ok? You seem a bit fed up/stressed?” usually to make them aware that they are coming across as a bit rude and it’s affecting our working relationship but also to see if there’s anything I can do if they are struggling to make things easier at work for them.

I had a colleague who did this - he was always saying ‘oh you look tired today, are you OK?’ or similar every day! He was a nice enough guy, but seemed to feel it was OK to comment on my appearance whenever he felt like it. Very annoying & intrusive. After a while I started to respond with ‘I’m absolutely fine thanks, feeling good! How are you you today? Looking very perky!’ every time he asked. He stopped commenting pretty sharpish.

I’m not sure why he was doing it - the most charitable motive I can assign is that he was trying to be friendly but was lacking in social skills. I never heard him say it to anyone else though & I did feel it drew attention to me in a negative way.

I don’t think you should feel apologetic or make up stuff in response to your colleagues comments. I bet she wouldn’t like it if you did the same to her. A big smile & a ‘I’m fine thanks!’ Would be a better response I think

@bluuuue you basically care far too much what your colleagues think! As long as you're doing your job I very much doubt if they are giving as much consideration to your behaviour as you are. Can you imagine them going home at night, sitting down with a glass of something chilled and thinking 'bluuuue was so quiet today, I'm sure she must be tired or grumpy. I must think about this all night tonight '? The reality is they will go home and start thinking about something far more interesting than a colleague being slightly quiet at work.
I would stop with the excuses and just give this far less head space.

I was reminded of this thread when I saw my SIL for the first time since last summer this weekend. She's well-meaning but not the most imaginative, and I think literally every time I have ever met her (not often, as we've usually lived in different countries) she lowers her voice and says in a very concerned undertone, 'I think Family Member X is looking awfully thin/a bit under the weather/exhausted'.

I've come to realise it's just her (unimaginative) way of saying 'I care' -- she's decided for some reason that commenting in a worried way on someone's appearance is a way of signalling warmth and concern.

In fairness, though, she doesn't say it directly to the person, she says it to someone else.

But it's differently annoying then, because you either have to say 'Yes, they do look shocking' (whereupon SIL will want to discuss their health/happiness), 'No, I think they look fine' (in which case SIL thinks you're callous or blind) or 'I hadn't noticed anything' (in which case SIL thinks you're even more callous.)

@NameChangedForThisFeb21

I used to have a colleague who, at least 3 times a week, would burst into my office at 8am looking desperately upset and like she was on the brink of tears - I mean holding her breath, biting her lip, tears actually in her eyes, face scrunched up. I’d say initially “oh my God are you ok? What’s happened?!” and she’d say “nothing? Why?! I’ve just come in to say hello before I start work ”. She honestly looked so upset. I’d seen her cry before and she looked exactly the same. She was always so huffy with me after I asked if she was ok, that obviously I stopped asking. Two other colleagues were in my office when she burst in one day and they did the whole “What’s happened?! Are you ok? Do you need a cup of tea? Sit down and tell us” thing while I never batted an eyelid and she got huffy, actually genuinely angry with them as she thought she looked normal. The minute she stormed out, they asked what the bloody hell that was about and thought it was really odd. I don’t think she ever was about to cry, she just had no awareness of how she was coming across.

Could people have thought you were a bit snappy with them or do you speak to people in a flat or irritated tone? Have you been ok in yourself recently? Or maybe just a bit flat and fed up? I’d say if it’s multiple people then it could be that you are unaware of how you are coming across. If just one, she could be trying to undermine you, play mind games.

I’ll hold my hands up and say, if someone has repeatedly been a bit short or off with me at work then I have asked “is everything ok? You seem a bit fed up/stressed?” usually to make them aware that they are coming across as a bit rude and it’s affecting our working relationship but also to see if there’s anything I can do if they are struggling to make things easier at work for them.

It is always one colleague who says it but they are the colleague I work next to and am therefore around the most.

I guess I have been feeling a bit fed up at work. The colleague in question has been quite difficult to deal with recently. We have a shared workload and they often leave the more difficult/tedious tasks to me even when I ask that we alternate them. I try my best to still be polite and chatty but maybe it's still coming across that I'm feeling a bit flat and disheartened.

I guess I have been feeling a bit fed up at work. The colleague in question has been quite difficult to deal with recently. We have a shared workload and they often leave the more difficult/tedious tasks to me even when I ask that we alternate them. I try my best to still be polite and chatty but maybe it's still coming across that I'm feeling a bit flat and disheartened.

She's actually picking you up correctly, so. Why not stop inventing headaches to explain your pissed off expression and tell her you're pissed off about her not undertaking her fair share of the workload?

@Wabe is right, just tell her! Why are you pretending to have a headache when your colleague is clearly taking the piss. I mean this as nicely as possible but grow a backbone. Next time she asks if you're tired just say yes I am because you leave all the shit jobs to me.

I like the contradiction of your username and your OP!

* It is always one colleague who says it but they are the colleague I work next to and am therefore around the most.

i guess I have been feeling a bit fed up at work. The colleague in question has been quite difficult to deal with recently. We have a shared workload and they often leave the more difficult/tedious tasks to me even when I ask that we alternate them. I try my best to still be polite and chatty but maybe it's still coming across that I'm feeling a bit flat and disheartened.

So wait.
It’s not plural colleagues as per your op
It’s one person

Who so clearly have an issue with and they are have picked up on this.

Come on OP!