Is there something wrong with me and or am I just a weirdo?

[yutrer]

I'm not sure where to start but will try to be succinct.

I feel there is something not quite right with me and I don't know if it's just me or if it's actually a personality disorder / mental health condition.

Basically, I really struggle with people. I just can't seem to connect, don't know how to talk to people, don't know what to say. One to one, I'm much better but just stick a 3rd person in there and I completely just freeze. I don't say a word.

I catch myself watching tv shows like a chat show, bake off etc observing how people crack a joke, keep a conversation running, how they tell a story etc. I look on wondering how do they do it. I'm in awe of their confidence and how naturally they are able to converse.

Looking back at my childhood, I was a very odd child in that I was completely mute amongst group settings - eg family gatherings where you'd think most children would be comfortable. I was extremely quiet at school too, never answering questions or asking for help. In my teens, I was the same. I would see my friends blossom in their social confidence and start jobs where I couldn't get one.

At university, I'd lock myself in my room afraid to go out to mingle with the people in my halls. I gave up my degree as I couldn't face doing the job which it would eventually lead to.

If you worked with me, id be really quiet, never starting a conversation but would only speak if spoken to. I only speak up if I am stuck with something and even then I feel very awkward. In a group setting I just freeze. I'm aware I probably make people feel awkward but I honestly don't mean to. I'm killing myself inside.

I thought I have social anxiety disorder but I'm now thinking maybe there's more to it. I've seen YouTubers and even an actor saying they have social anxiety disorder and I'm thinking how? - you're on YouTube! I can't do that. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. Am I just a weirdo? My family hate that I am like this, everyone seems to hate it. I hate it even more.

I would really like to change but not sure how to. Realistically I know I'll never be the life and soul of the party but any improvement to my current situation would be great.

You are not weird.

I don't think it would be fair to make an online diagnosis from a post on the internet because most of us are not medical professionals but it would be worth speaking to your GP as they'll know the help you might need.

If you need any, that is.

Whether it's just or a disorder is irrelevant as it's affecting your quality and enjoyment of life. You need to do something to try and overcome it, and only you know what will help (easier said than done, I admit).
I was painfully shy and awkward as a child and teenager, but forced myself to talk to people at university and am now quite sociable, although still find groups of new people quite awkward. It sounds like you might be beyond that as an option though, so maybe try and find a counsellor? Talking to a stranger might help in the beginning. And how are you online? Posting here takes social courage, could forums and so on be ways to meet people that you then talk to in real life?

Couldn't read and run. My first thought is you could be on the autistic spectrum, but obviously I don't know and you'd need a professional to diagnose. Whatever the answer I hope you are able to find peace with and learn to love yourself exactly as you are - as I wish your family would x

I am the same OP. I had bad social anxiety for years but it has eased as i got older. Also, taking anti-anxiety medication has made me feel more normal and not consumed with worry.

Definitely get help for it. I went to a psychologist for other issues and asked did she think I might have autism but she said I didn’t. I felt a diagnosis would help me make sense of why I never belonged anywhere my whole life.

Oh OP, I do sympathise and relate to your feelings - I am very much the same and it has lead to a life of crippling, agonizing lonliness for me. I am 57 now, have never been able to form close friendships or relationships and expect the status quo to remain unchanged into my old age. In fact, I fully expect to become one of those tragic cases one reads about where someone dies and is only found months later as a dried up, mummified skelington because nobody realised they were missing! That is meant to be lighthearted, but tinged with pathos, as it is a potential reality!

I do not know how to advise you, if I did it would be a case of 'physician heal thyself'! But I suspect that you are a good deal younger than me and I would love to help you if I could - my life has been blighted by this, it has had a profoundly negative affect on me, causing difficulties with mental health, employment, relationships, self confidence, self esteem - so many elements of my life. I feel that I have missed so much - never been to a wedding, a nightclub, social functions or even had a holiday. And yet, I am intelligent, educated and articulate, but still cannot find a way out of the imprisoning, all encompassing lonliness which it has engendered in me. Not helped by the fact that I am slightly hearing impaired, which, in itself, is very isolating. And I am pretty confident that I am on the autistic spectrum, though I have never sought referral or an assessment.

Are you married OP, or in a relationship? Do you have children and family? None of these apply to me and, since my mum died, earlier this year, I have realised that I am totally alone with nobody to care for or care about me.

OP, I feel that I have hijacked your thread to exercise my own catharsis and I apologise for that. But I hope that you can find a solution, I really do.

My very best wishes and good luck to you.

And no, you are not weird, nor is there anything wrong with you - some people are just quiet, reflective and prefer one to one situations. Remember, 'an empty vessel makes the most noise'!

I would seek cognitive behavioural therapy if I was you. I think you can access CBT via your GP although I pay for it privately for my dd (18)

It could potentially be social anxiety disorder - my dd has this and has some similar issues

Not weird at all.. i think most people have a degree of what you are saying but hide it well. I very much do. I also overcame it the older i got and i learnt tricks, such as concentrating outwards rather than inwards as i imagine other people are feeling the same anxiousness as me, looking people in the eye, imagining them on the loo, there is also a technique of holding your hands together when speaking but only with fingertips touching each other, politicians use it lots.. when you know about it you will see how common it is when people make speeches etc.. it somehow puts you at ease i cant remember why but watch out and you will see they have been taught the technique to relieve their nerves and it works

One comment in your OP struck me as really sad.

That your family hate how you are, I assume that means parents/siblings.

That doesn't sound as if you've had much help or support from them, for which I'm very sorry.

You don't need to aim for life and soul of the party, god forbid everyone should be that!

You sound like you have a lot to offer in terms of being a friend, you just need a bit of help in how to go about making that clear to other people.

I wonder if counselling or therapy of some kind could help you overcome some of the negative influences you have had and make you realise that you are worth knowing.

Because I'm sure you are

Thank you everyone for your kind comments - really appreciate them.

Ulelia I've had cbt therapy for the social anxiety but it never really helped. I just had ten sessions and then it sort of abruptly ended. Half way we ended up looking at self esteem briefly too as mine is pretty non existent and probably doesn't help the whole social anxiety thing. It got a bit complex and my sessions finished.

SuperSleepyBaby I've often wondered if I am autistic too but I don't think I am -.i too just want a sort of label I guess so that i can "ah thats why I'm like this" as opposed to constantly asking myself why am I like this?

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

There are books out there about this stuff- I read one called, 'How to talk to anyone'. Next time you know you're going to be in a social situation, can you prepare yourself a question to ask, even if it's just, 'How was the drive up?' or similar? And build up from there?

DracunculusVulgaris your post is heartbreaking. It's awful how isolated it can make you when all we crave is connection. Have you tried seeking help or doing in self help stuff. It took me years to pluck up the courage to access therapy. Even though it didn't help me, just going was a huge deal for me. It's so crap. It's affected all areas of my life. I have no friends, no social life which isn't the thing that even really bothers me much. It's affected my job prospects. I did a vocational degree. Would have been working in a well paid job. Instead I'm ive just worked in jobs that are barely above the NMW.

I do have a husband but he was my first and only bf at 26. Part of me married him because I knew I was incapable of finding anyone else. I remember my dsis telling me id end up a spinster. You're too quiet she would complain.

Have you been labelled by your parents as this awkward person and this is your narrative? If so, there is a chance that if you look into inner child therapy and learn to relabel yourself, it can vastly improve self esteem.
Maybe there's a voice in your head telling you that you're all these things that you described in your post so it's important to stamp on these thoughts as soon as they emerge and replace them with 3 positives about how you have come this far and how you are no longer that awkward person.

We all grow, so take this week as a new start to relabel yourself and see yourself as a quiet but capable person.

Maybe start small with the interactions, without any pressure on yourself - a tiny chit chat with a checkout person, a tiny chit chat with the postman etc and then it can build well from there.

Take the pressure right off yourself to be a perfect communication expert, hardly anyone is.

I think somehow you've heard criticism form parents or friends early in your life and this has derailed all your social interactions and social growth so far. Coupled with your own critical voice putting yourself down constantly.

This oesn't have to be your forever label. You can really live how you want and interact as much or as little as you want each day. There are no rules, except be kind to yourself.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered yes, unfortunately my family haven't been supportive. As a child it was a constant barage of shut up, why did you say that? Stop asking questions, go away. I was a very lonely child even though I had a large family. My siblings are a lot more older than me and they just didn't want me around. I felt really in the way I guess and sort of melted into the background and have done so ever since. I didn't enjoy my childhood at all.

It wasn't until my teens that I really began to loathe myself for being how I was as I really started to notice the comments that were made and became more self conscious. I realised how much people disliked the way I was at I hated myself for it too. Some comments that really struck out were " you're too quiet, you'll never find anyone". "I'd never give you a job as you have really poor social skills"."you're not normal. there's something wrong with you" "oh look a mouse" "oh it speaks" "just speak - it's irritating" "don't hang out with her - she's boring" "you know, I didn't listen to a word you've just said as I'm just shocked that you even spoke" etc. All said by siblings / relatives usually followed by laughter from everyone in the room. I hated those family get togethers.

13579db I think your post is spot on. The voice in my head is definitely saying the comments that were said to me as a child. I now say them to myself. It's become me.
I have just Googled for inner child therapy but nothing has come up near me but I'm going to explore it further as it really makes sense to me - thank you. I still feel like that little girl I was when im anxious in social settings and I'm still acting like her too. It's like my adult self didn't really grow out of it and develop into me. I'm stuck and I don't know how to change those thoughts in my mind. They've always been there.

And yes some exposure but starting small would be helpful too once I have started on my thoughts.

You've given me a bit of a plan and hope which I'd completely lost - thank you!

OP, have you ever heard about Selective Mutism? Have a read on NHS website. That's exactly what I was/am. I still suffer from it but not as bad as before. I didn't speak at all at school or in meetings when I was working. Now I'm SAHM.

@yutrer

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered yes, unfortunately my family haven't been supportive. As a child it was a constant barage of shut up, why did you say that? Stop asking questions, go away. I was a very lonely child even though I had a large family. My siblings are a lot more older than me and they just didn't want me around. I felt really in the way I guess and sort of melted into the background and have done so ever since. I didn't enjoy my childhood at all.

It wasn't until my teens that I really began to loathe myself for being how I was as I really started to notice the comments that were made and became more self conscious. I realised how much people disliked the way I was at I hated myself for it too. Some comments that really struck out were " you're too quiet, you'll never find anyone". "I'd never give you a job as you have really poor social skills"."you're not normal. there's something wrong with you" "oh look a mouse" "oh it speaks" "just speak - it's irritating" "don't hang out with her - she's boring" "you know, I didn't listen to a word you've just said as I'm just shocked that you even spoke" etc. All said by siblings / relatives usually followed by laughter from everyone in the room. I hated those family get togethers.

It could be that you were/are very shy and your family were just bloody horrible about it which has given you a total complex. It doesn’t always have to be a diagnosed disorder with a label.

lin07 I have heard of selective mutism and not sure to be honest. I don't quite understand it How is it different to social anxiety? Is it that you can't physically get the words out?
Yes I don't say a word in work meetings either. I can't speak up only speak when it's my turn or I'm spoken to. Is that selective mutism? As a child I would often feel almost frozen but I've seen lots of kids just not respond to strangers etc? I don't know much about it but would like to learn more if you don't mind sharing your experiences of it. Thx.

Basically I would just stop talking when I reached school. It just happened naturally. Teacher asked me question and i'd try to answer but no words came out. I didn't talk to school friends at school, but when we were outside the school I talked to them if they initiate the conversation. I don't know what to talk about otherwise. My parents said it happened since I was in nursery. When I was in university, words started to come out. Maybe it was different environment, I don't know but it gets better. I can talk to strangers now, to ask direction or something, but still not to other family members whom I rarely see. It's difficult at times and I'm always alone at the school gate. Maybe other parents think I'm rude, shy or something.

It sounds like you had a bit of a rubbish childhood and are now shy and lacking in social confidence. Do you have friends? Do you have romantic relationships? What sort of work do you do? You sound like an intelligent, articulate and thoughtful person :)

This is a good book that might help you feel better about yourself: www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@VodkaSlimline

It sounds like you had a bit of a rubbish childhood and are now shy and lacking in social confidence. Do you have friends? Do you have romantic relationships? What sort of work do you do? You sound like an intelligent, articulate and thoughtful person :)

This is a good book that might help you feel better about yourself: ]]

I agree-it Really doesn’t sound like you are a selective mute!

I reckon your family were pretty rubbish and you are naturally very shy-I’d work on building your confidence/self esteem up rather than looking for labels as an ‘explanation’.

Wow, your family were nasty. That treatment would affect anyone pretty badly. I agree with @Howshouldibehave - you were ridiculed for being quiet and shy, which has made you feel there’s something wrong with you. Which then makes it worse.

I’m very uncomfortable socially too. I just can’t do easy chitchat and I’m fascinated by people who can! The book “how to talk to anyone” is good - there’s some good tips on how to have a conversation, and you can use some of the techniques even though they don’t feel natural. I’ve learned by watching and listening to other people too. You may never be that chatty person, but you’ll feel less uncomfortable and abnormal. Just a small improvement in your ability to converse will make you feel better. Good luck