Help to understand my 5yo!

[seriouslynonames]

Hi all, just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how you handled it. 5yo DD has always been a bit tricky sleep and behaviour-wise and the last year of lockdowns (during which she has started school) has had an impact on her for sure. She can be delightful (and is fine at school) but she can also be a nightmare. She won't do simple things she is asked to (shoes on, clean teeth etc) which I'm sure is similar to many other kids. But the lengths to which she will go to not do what she has been asked, and her explosive behaviour is exhausting. She is also being unkind to our pets and won't stop when asked, and screams if you try to steer her away from them. She knows it's unkind buy doesn't seem to care. She frequently shouts that she hates us or hates herself or that we don't love her and want to send her away - after she has done something unkind and been told off. she absolutely despises being told off but seems to be impulsive and can't stop herself doing something she knows is wrong or unkind. Sometimes I feel that she is testing the strength of our love e.g. in her mind it's 'they don't love me and I'm going to do X YZ and they will tell me they are sending me away /don't love me'. Like she is sabotaging herself. She has even said a few times that she wants to die or doesn't want to live. We tell her how much we love her all the time - however she behaves, especially after we have a chat about whatever incident has happened. We tell her and reassure her we will always love her no matter what. Are we making things worse? What is going ok in her little head? How can we help her?? She has always been fidgety (jigging, rocking, tapping etc) even from a tiny baby. She has become increasingly impulsive and can be quite unkind when she wants to be (it's the 'why' that I don't get -attention seeking?). But is also helpful, bright, cheerful, articulate, kind and loving other times. She sometimes hyper focuses on things to the exclusion of everything, which is hard when you need her to get PJs on etc. Any ideas how we can better understand her and support her to improve her self regulation, self-esteem and whatever else might be going on?
Thank you!

Sounds like she might need a SEN assessment.

I would second the need to get her seen by someone. Being unkind to pets and expressing a wish to die are concerning at any age, but at 5...? I definitely think a child psychologist is your best bet for strategies here. I’m so sorry you’re facing this. It sounds deeply upsetting.

You need to keep her physically separated from your pets.

Are you able to give her outlets for her energy which are constructive? There have been a lot of restrictions since covid and very energetic children need physical outlets or can feel mental distress.
As and example our local school is in a rural location and uses its outdoor space a LOT children the age of your dd are hardly ever indoors, there is forest school activities, large items like planks, pipes and tyres for building none of the children in reception or year 1 are expected to stay at a desk. We had a family join the school whose DD in the previous school had a lot of anti social behaviour, hitting, biting, and was excluded from activities with 1-2-1 a lot, she was on track for an ADHD assessment. After two months in the new school she was fitting right in. She is still a complete live wire but it is channelled and not considered a problem. Her mum says she is happier at home and she is not now getting her assessed as she can see she just needs a way to be herself without it being a problem in the school setting and having punishments and restrictions slapped in her all the time.
This is just an illustration of how our expectations can sometimes create demands which don't fit the child and manifest as behavioural problems.
Could she just need lots of opportunity to burn off all that energy constructively? Imagine the difference between taking on a Collie dog puppy or a chihuahua... You wouldn't expect them to be content with the same lifestyles and children come in all kinds of intelligence and energy levels too.

You’re raising some flags for neurodiversity (eg adhd or autism) - the impulsivity, fidgeting/stimming, tricky sleep, explosive behaviour, potentially demand avoidance, the hyper focusing.... Obviously you can’t diagnose a child in the basis of a paragraph but given you’re clearly concerned I’d be starting with finding out how to get a referral for assessment/further help. Some areas that might be through a GP, some it’s your school SENCO.

I have an autistic child. They’re a completely delightful, thriving and all round awesome child with the right support and parenting strategies but trying to parent them how you would a typical child is an explosive disaster.

Yep, needs an assessment.
And don’t leave her alone with pets.

With the exception of not wanting to brush teeth etc I would think this was mostly quite unusual behaviour. It could be worth talking to the school about it to see if they have any provision for an assessment?

I think you need to speak to your GP. But at the same time I think your projecting with the ‘testing our live moments’. If she is being unkind to pets then she needs to be removed from the situation immediately for both their sakes.

It must be extremely hard for you to witness such behaviour Op.

She is also being unkind to our pets and won't stop when asked, and screams if you try to steer her away from them. She knows it's unkind buy doesn't seem to care

Please rehome your pets as a matter of urgency, she's not going to stop being unkind to them, then you can have a much better chance of investigating why your daughter's behaviour is so concerning.

No-one here can say why she behaves that way, you need professional assessments done to establish what is causing her behaviour and what interventions can help.

Start by speaking to your GP (without her present) and outline her behaviour and ask which specialists she should be referred to.
NHS referrals are very slow, 18 months to 2 years isn't unusual for any type of additional needs referrals. If you can afford it, you may want to consider going privately.

Thanks for all the replies.
I was thinking GP as a first step. If I know what kind of professional we need we could probably pay privately if it's going to be really slow.
At school she is fine - has friends, behaves well, joins in, takes turns, they have no concerns. I have spoken to her teacher who didn't offer any school-led help (perhaps because there is no issue there) but she agreed GP might be helpful.
I have wondered about ADHD.
I will call on Monday. No hope of face to face but should be able to speak on the phone when she's at school.
Sometimes she just seems to have anger and frustration that she can't express. Other times she is totally happy and helpful and kind. Other times still she just seems very anxious - particularly about me, my health has taken a massive hit over the last year (long covid) and I can't give her as much time and attention as she needs/wants.
I don't think anyone else has ever reported any problems with her behaviour to me (almost 4 years of nursery, friends, family etc). It does largely seem to be an issue at home/with us.
Ah well, will see what the GP says.
Thanks all x

And thank you @RealisticSketch I think there is an element of needing to burn off energy yes. She seems to have a second wind at bedtime, and be quite hyper, rather than relaxed after a bath. She is definitely more constructively engaged when running around outside!

Thanks @ColinSupporter - that's exactly what we need to work out - the right parenting strategy for her. Thank you