Alternatives to college

[Toffeewhirl]

My son is 21 and has been out of education for four years, suffering from severe anxiety. He has a diagnosis of HFA and OCD. He's also recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. He lives at home with us (me, DH, brother).

I managed to get his EHCP amended and he now has a place at a local college. They have suggested a part-time computing course with one-to-one support, starting in September, which sounds promising. The problem is that every time I mention this to my son, he shuts down. He has a tiny amount of work to do in preparation, but when I remind him he needs to do it (with me supporting), he gets into a state of panic and goes into his room. He says he just can't cope with the work. I'm not sure if it's the pressure or if he has something else going on, eg ADD. He says he can't focus on reading text for college - although he manages to read perfectly easily online when he's interested in something.

Yesterday, our contact at college suggested he comes over one day to collect some work from her - literally, just him sitting in the car in the car park and her handing the paper to him. After this, he went to his room and has barely been out since. He said he felt sick. I hate seeing him like this and now I'm questioning the wisdom of encouraging (pushing?) him back to college at all.

I'm just wondering if I should completely rethink this. Has anyone helped their adult child have a good life that doesn't involve studying or working? My son is completely dependent on us, which worries me so much. I had hoped college would help develop his independence. I've suggested volunteering and online studying, but he won't do either. I've also suggested he learn a skill (he's shown brief interests in blacksmithing and beekeeping, but refuses to do courses in either).

I just don't know whether to keep pushing him back to college or not.

For beekeeping- have a look at the Young Beekeepers Association ( ?)
There are also short blacksmithing courses ( hobby courses) that may be of interest.

College is probably the most nurturing environment, but you just can't force it.

Has he ever had a part time job? Or generated any income himself?

Thanks for replying. He refuses to do any courses, because he gets so anxious, but I that's useful to know about the Young Beekeepers Association, thank you. I'll look them up and see if I can get him some reading material from them.

I agree with you about college. I've told him that it will provide opportunities that staying at home all the time won't. My DH said yesterday that I should just give up on the idea, which discouraged me. But maybe I'm not ready to give up yet.

Sorry, I didnt answer your question: no, he's never worked or generated income. We likes the idea of making his own money, but the level of anxiety he feels when he tries to do anything outside his comfort zone is overwhelming.

That should be 'he likes the idea', although that may have been a Freudian slip because clearly that would help us all out!

Unpopular opinion but I think that you can not be employed or a student and have purpose. My BIL has never worked due to a mixture due to a mixture of MH issues and lack of opportunities when you go past 24 years old.
He paints for relatives, research's family history, goes to the gym, bakes, does all the housework in his parents house, makes sure everyone has a home cooked healthy meal every night, babysits my DC's, goes for walks, pet sits.... the list goes on!
I've asked him if he feels that a job would offer him opportunities to travel or live on his own and he's not interested. He gets stressed very easily and the stress of a job would outweigh any benefit of earning a wage. I think society takes all sorts of people to function: it's a shame capitalism doesn't allow for this.

I agree, spotting. I suppose the difference is that your BIL is independent, whereas our son is wholly dependent on us. But if he developed more independence and began to go out - maybe, volunteering - that would be fantastic. I'm not sure he could ever cope with a job.