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Original poster

Another 'getting married before the wedding' one

20 replies

HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 12:53

TLDR: how to inform guests ahead of time that we will be getting legally married before our wedding?

There have been a few threads on AIBU lately about the acceptability of getting legally married in a registry office before having a blessing/humanist ceremony at a different, chosen venue.

While some people said it was totally unacceptable, amounted to deceiving your guests into attending a 'sham', others said it was totally fine and they wouldn't be bothered in the slightest, and quite a few others still said it was fine but that guests should be told beforehand.

If you are in the latter camp, can you give me some ideas on how to do this? Wording for the invitations or similar? I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of the guests and I think I would find it pretty weird if a couple called me up individually to let me know this was how they were organising it.

I hate the idea that anyone would feel misled in coming to my wedding, but making a public commitment in front of all my friends and family is also something I want to do, and something I think they would want to see.

Marriage appointments, even for 2022, are pretty few and far between as everyone works through the lockdown backlog, and the venue we want isn't licensed for weddings - so this seemed like a good solution!

OP posts:
aramox · 24/04/2021 12:55

Call it a wedding party? Explain on the invite? Seems fair enough to me

CeeceeBloomingdale · 24/04/2021 12:59

It doesn't bother me that people do or whether I know, but it does bother me if they make a deal of the legal bit by dressing up, having pictures, flowers and food then the show wedding later. Even more so when they celebrate two wedding anniversaries. I think if you have to do the legal bit first it should be treated like giving notice, rock up in your jeans, two witnesses and no pomp and ceremony. Then the wedding event is the main day and there isn't two tiers of guests.

Original poster
HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 13:00

@aramox

Call it a wedding party? Explain on the invite? Seems fair enough to me
I'm just not sure how to word it...

Something like "please note that as the venue is not licensed for weddings, this will be a humanist ceremony with the legal marriage taking place the day before"?

It just seems kind of odd and vaguely self-important, but I was surprised by how strongly some people felt about it.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Mumdiva99 · 24/04/2021 13:01

Invite them to your 'wedding blessing'. Anyone that asks can be told. But some may not even ask.

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/04/2021 13:01

If you are part of a religion where there needs to be 2 ceremonies it’s fine. But I think in your case a registry followed by a reception might be better.

Original poster
HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 13:02

@CeeceeBloomingdale

It doesn't bother me that people do or whether I know, but it does bother me if they make a deal of the legal bit by dressing up, having pictures, flowers and food then the show wedding later. Even more so when they celebrate two wedding anniversaries. I think if you have to do the legal bit first it should be treated like giving notice, rock up in your jeans, two witnesses and no pomp and ceremony. Then the wedding event is the main day and there isn't two tiers of guests.
Yes, agreed. I definitely see the bit where everyone can come as the wedding.
OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 24/04/2021 13:02

Or 'you are invited to celebrate the wedding of A and B. There will be a blessing ceremony followed by a sit down meal....."

PumpingPamela · 24/04/2021 13:04

Two friends of mine did this for immigration reasons. One couple told people, one didn't. I don't see it as a big deal tbh..

Original poster
HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 13:04

@GrumpyHoonMain

If you are part of a religion where there needs to be 2 ceremonies it’s fine. But I think in your case a registry followed by a reception might be better.
That would be ideal but our local office is tiny, and would mean only a handful of people could come to the ceremony.
OP posts:
Original poster
HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 13:05

@Mumdiva99

Or 'you are invited to celebrate the wedding of A and B. There will be a blessing ceremony followed by a sit down meal....."
This is perfect actually, thank you.
OP posts:
PumpingPamela · 24/04/2021 13:06

Oh, and the couple that told people - instead of signing the official register thing, they had a big book that they signed after saying their vows, then all the guests could sign it too and add a note etc... It was really nice touch I thought Smile

Anonmousse · 24/04/2021 13:09

I've been to a few "weddings" like this. Some were indian weddings where I think (but stand to be corrected) the religious ceremony isnt the legal part so they had a small legal ceremony a few days before.
Another one was friends whose preferred venue was beyond their budget to include the legal marriage part so they had registry office wedding a few days before but a chaplain who they knew personally did a ceremony/exchanging of rings etc on their big wedding day.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 24/04/2021 13:10

How about Celebration of Marriage?

We included a timetable with our invitations... So you could have 2pm Blessing, 3pm photos, 3.30 cocktails etc.. (or your timeline obviously!)

Then if asked, be truthful. Especially with Covid, you can honestly say you could only get an informal wedding appointment a few days before.

Ilovemaisie · 24/04/2021 13:12

Do you need the humanist ceremony bit? Can't you just do all the reception-y things as normal and the invite can say "we are getting married at X Registar Office on X date and you are invited to join us at our wedding reception on X date at X place". Having a non legal ceremony is a bit (apologies here but it's just my opinion) naff and cheesy because it's essentially 'fake' and will seem odd after just having had the legal bit done.

Original poster
HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 13:30

@Ilovemaisie

Do you need the humanist ceremony bit? Can't you just do all the reception-y things as normal and the invite can say "we are getting married at X Registar Office on X date and you are invited to join us at our wedding reception on X date at X place". Having a non legal ceremony is a bit (apologies here but it's just my opinion) naff and cheesy because it's essentially 'fake' and will seem odd after just having had the legal bit done.
I can see this point of view but I suppose I think lots of aspects of traditional ceremonies - having a father walk you down an aisle, having bridesmaids in matching dresses - are a bit silly and performative when you break them down. But I do love watching them and I hope my friends and family would want to see it for me too.
OP posts:
Original poster
HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 13:31

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

How about Celebration of Marriage?

We included a timetable with our invitations... So you could have 2pm Blessing, 3pm photos, 3.30 cocktails etc.. (or your timeline obviously!)

Then if asked, be truthful. Especially with Covid, you can honestly say you could only get an informal wedding appointment a few days before.

Timetable is a good idea, thank you.
OP posts:
LER83 · 24/04/2021 13:32

We got married in a registry office with just witnesses. 2 days later we had a church blessing with immediate family so obviously they knew we were already married. We then had an evening reception after the blessing and invited about 70 people. I just put on the invite they were invited to celebrate our marriage which took place on x date at x registry office. Everyone understood.

Ilovemaisie · 24/04/2021 13:42

HotChoc I think my opinion is because I found the whole legal ceremony bit when I got married embarrassing and hated being watched. And we had the most basic ceremony you could have - we didn't do vows. Just said the legal words. I couldn't stand being watched and being the centre of attention. But that's me obviously Grin

Original poster
HotChoc10 · 24/04/2021 13:50

@Ilovemaisie

HotChoc I think my opinion is because I found the whole legal ceremony bit when I got married embarrassing and hated being watched. And we had the most basic ceremony you could have - we didn't do vows. Just said the legal words. I couldn't stand being watched and being the centre of attention. But that's me obviously Grin
I will say I'm not a big fan of the tradition that the bride is all hidden away until she appears at the end of the aisle in her magical white dress. If my friends and family are all hanging out and chatting I want to be there too!
OP posts:
Ellmau · 24/04/2021 14:55

Invite guests to a symbolic/humanist ceremony and reception following the marriage of X and Y.

I feel blessing isn't quite the right word for a non-religious ceremony.

I do wonder if some couples have these non-official ceremonies and never actually do the legal part at all.

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