DH and social anxiety

[DontBuyANewMumCashmere]

My DH is in the middle of a MH crisis. He's recently started taking ADs and has been signed off work for two months (two lots of two weeks then a full month).
I have been as patient and supportive as possible and we've got through it well, as a couple. I have despairing days when I can't handle his moods, or the general gloom, or wonder if it will ever really improve, but when I get out the house with the kids or do some exercise I feel better.

Since I have known him, DH has always been socially anxious. He hates us organising and planning events, hates and panics about hosting, grumbles in advance of going anywhere, but massively enjoys what we do, and during and immediately after will say how much fun he's had and how 'we should do it more often' etc

Now COVID things are relaxing I want to make the most of the rule changes, and see some friends and neighbours in our garden. These people often ask us to theirs, the people I want to ask have hosted us as their houses numerous times, we have never hosted them.

How can I compromise asking people over (for my MH and support) with avoiding social anxiety for him?

He freaked out the other day when I suggested having our neighbours over this afternoon, after we will have been at a pub lunch. He claimed it would never work, and "having them over is the sort of thing that takes the whole day to prepare for."
I agree that having them over after we'd been out for lunch was a bit of a stretch so happily put it off, but I'm just feeling so miserable about asking people to come round. I am a fairly relaxed person, my house is not a spotlessly clean, perfectly tidy house and we have two kids and two dogs - but anyone who knows us is going to know all this and will accept it for what it is.

I feel I can't easily ask people over for a glass of wine in the garden without my DH making it a huge event, if I was alone I would have impromptu and planned things semi frequently, but when (Pre covid) he has agreed to do things I feel his level of stress and anxiety makes me stress which I otherwise wouldn't feel.

How can I move forward and do things for my own fun that won't panic my husband? I really don't want to pile stress on him but I want to see my friends, at long last.

I think waiting until he's back at work or at least not so ill might well be the fairest option for him, but I also think he's always like this even when he's happy and well, so this isn't really going to get better is it?

I'm sorry @DontBuyANewMumCashmere , no it isn't really going to get better, as in go away. The amount of distress he feels may lessen with medication and therapy but the underlying issue will be there.
Can you see a life where you get to do all the things you want to do, but accept that he isn't involved in them?
So you have people over and he doesn't 'prepare' or attend?
I wonder whether him enjoying things immediately afterwards is actually relief that they're over?
Whatever happens for you, he needs to access help for his MH, it must be awful for him.
And you need to ask yourself whether you're happy waiting for the magical day in the future when it all gets better, it whether you start your life now.

My DH social anxiety has never improved and I wish I had realised he had it when we got together and I would have ended it.

I socialise a lot on my own.

Him avoiding it actually fuels the anxiety.

I would suggest you invite your friends around to see you and he can either hide away in the house, say hello briefly or join in his choice.

Think carefully where your line in the sand is.

Hi thanks for replying.

He has had 10 sessions of therapy recently, and another 10 about two years ago. He is also planning on signing up to a talking therapy group his GP suggested. This is all work stress related though, and I don't think he even touches on the social anxiety.

I would, and have in the past, organised things without him, perhaps when he's at work, and when he goes away with friends once a year I book in several people so I can make the most of it.

This is fine, but he doesn't go out much anymore and, really, it's awkward saying to our couple friends would you like to come over? But DH won't be there, sorry.

Any normal person would think I should wait to ask them when he's actually free, or wonder why he's avoiding them, and if they didn't think that then HE would panic that they were thinking that so it would still cause him stress.

In practice, how would I even suggest this? 'DH I'm going to ask [these people] around for drinks, would you like to be here, or you can stay up in our bedroom if you don't want to join in?'

I think you have to either explain to people why he's not there, or stop bothering about what they'll think. Tbh I suspect that people have either realised or will do pretty quickly.
As for what your husband thinks, if he realised how this affects you and he loves you he won't have an issue with it.
If he doesn't want you to do it because people might notice and have a different opinion of him, then that's a different kettle of fish, he can't expect you to keep restricting your life as cover for him.

"DH seeing people is really important to me and an important part of keeping my MH in a good place.
I'm not going to spend all day cleaning before people come, they want to see me, not my kitchen floor.
I know you find social situations stressful and it would be unfair of me to expect you to be involved, especially at the moment, so you can pop out to the garden to say hi if you want but you're not obliged to.
I'll tell people you're a bit under the weather.
I know you don't want your illness to affect my life"

Just tell him you need to compromise. So he gets advance warning. You don’t do impromptu and you do a couple of times a month. It will not be ideal for either of you but you need to meet in the middle.

As for 'couple friends' you might find you don't get to see them as much because you're not welcome without him (obviously a woman socializing without her husband is a man crazed marriage wrecker) but that seems a small price to pay to avoid spending the rest of your life as it currently is?

Any normal person would think I should wait to ask them when he's actually free, or wonder why he's avoiding them,
No, they'd realise the first time that something's changed, good friends will ask you and if they're good friends you can tell them.

Thank you Sporran that's a really good way of suggesting it.

Thanks all.