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Original poster

Starting Completely Anew at 51

20 replies

TimeWillHeal · 22/04/2021 18:48

And I am terrified. My house is on the market, I’m heartbroken to be leaving it. I won’t be destitute but bar that I’m utterly alone. My ex husband was ghastly and I’ve become ever more isolated over the years. I have no job, no children. No idea where to live. And no friends, that’s what breaks my heart more than anything. I feel desolate.

OP posts:

aibutohavethisusername · 22/04/2021 19:40

Hi TimeWillHeal sorry to hear that you are feeling desolate. Where in the country are you? Do you think you’ll stay in the same area?

Original poster

TimeWillHeal · 22/04/2021 20:00

I’m in Surrey, a very quiet part of it. There’s not a lot around here. Thank so much for replying :) I’ve been crying all evening. I can’t believe the situation I’ve ended up in. My ex happily shacked up with someone 30 years his junior. He’s no loss, but I’ve just swapped one nightmare for another.

OP posts:

Skylucy · 22/04/2021 20:03

I'm so sorry to read that you're feeling so low. "Desolate" is such a powerful word. It must be a terrifying situation to find yourself in, but the title of your post is really positive. Your ex sounds poisonous... you can now live without him. You love your home, but it sounds like you can now choose to live anywhere you'd like? How exciting. Are you working at the moment?

Thewolvesarerunningagain · 22/04/2021 20:10

Hi Timewillheal. I imagine that’s a massive shock. But like you say you get to start completely over. You can live wherever and however you want. Having the chance to reinvent yourself without loser husband who doesn’t deserve you is very nerve wracking but exciting. Do you have friends who will be supporting you?

Original poster

TimeWillHeal · 22/04/2021 20:16

Alas no job and no real friends. Acquaintances, but no-one really in my corner. I am terrified. I don’t feel excited at all.

OP posts:

ilovebagpuss · 22/04/2021 20:26

Do you have an ok budget for a new house? You could go anywhere! Is there somewhere you have always fancied like the coast or a totally different part of the country?
Home first and then maybe try for a job could be part time but something where you might meet some people to get to know if possible.
If you don’t have to work could you get a rescue dog something to look after and give company?
I live in a small village/town but there are lots of classes and clubs to join like walking or sewing or outdoor swimming it sounds daunting but I’ve made some friends at similar clubs.
It must be hard without close friends or family but you can build a life you are happy with slow and steady.
Just chop it up into bite size chunks.

Original poster

TimeWillHeal · 22/04/2021 20:34

Thanks for this :@ilovebagpuss. I have (depending on what I sell at) a decent enough budget, although I have no pension so will need to factor that in. I’m thinking of training to be a counsellor, but it takes so so long. I need to reinvent myself totally!

OP posts:

Mums1234 · 22/04/2021 20:34

I'm in a similar position to you. Estranged from my family, many, many years si have never had anyone there for me. Due to my abusive childhood I attracted selfish people who used me.

I'm naturally quiet, in a group say nothing and trust is hard for me due to my past.

I have slowly made a few friends, although they wouldn't be there in a crisis, it is very positive. I'm going on holiday with one friend, I never believed people would like me !

Step by step you'll get there and please send private messages to me any time you need support x

aibutohavethisusername · 22/04/2021 20:39

You’re definitely better off without the ex. What have you done for work in the past? Could you look on MeetUp or local Facebook groups to see if you can meet new people?

Original poster

TimeWillHeal · 22/04/2021 20:40

@Mums1234 thank you so much for this! That’s so kind.

OP posts:

ilovebagpuss · 22/04/2021 22:13

Counselling sounds a wonderful plan and we do need more of them, now more than ever. It can take a while to train maybe you could do it alongside something else to bring in a bit of cash and meet people.
Keep planning and try not too think too far ahead so it doesn’t seem such a huge task.

Cheermonger · 22/04/2021 22:23

Could you think about volunteering somewhere where a counselling qualification would be helpful, just to begin to integrate into something?

I guess this massive change IS terrifying but I can sense from you’re words you will thrive and you will be happy again. You can do this, one tiny tiny step at a time - post here, we’ll walk it with you

Iamthewombat · 22/04/2021 22:29

What was the last job you had? Do you have a profession? Apologies if this sounds like an interview, trying to work out what you can leverage.

Re new friends: hobbies and clubs will help. Could you take up running or join a ladies’ cycling club? There are always beginners’ sessions.

Original poster

TimeWillHeal · 22/04/2021 22:34

I had a pretty eclectic working life. My last gig was running a opticians. I loved it, but it was bought by a multiple and ruined. I’m a rubbish runner... but yes, I’ll need to find clubs to join.

OP posts:

RaininSummer · 22/04/2021 22:37

When you move, find your local women's institute as that is a great way to get to know people once meetings and events return properly.

Iamthewombat · 22/04/2021 23:01

We are all rubbish runners until we do it regularly!

Are you someone who likes working in a team? What draws you to counselling? If you can afford to retrain, what other options have you looked at?

(Sorry for interrogation)

Thewolvesarerunningagain · 22/04/2021 23:21

Well I'm in your corner for one! Ok counselling is a good start as an idea, and many people 'find themselves' through FE/HE. Have you considered going back to education? Open U was for me a 'bridge' between a failed marriage, an education and a career. It provided a way out and a 'story' about how to progress (plus a lot of support along the way). Would FE/HE be a route for you?

DaenerysD · 22/04/2021 23:42

I'm in a similar position although I have a teen ds (not going through the greatest of years with him though 😫)

Covid has seen me made redundant, sell my home of 30 years and move away from my home town. I've been here nearly 4 months and despite having cash in the bank and a new home to create I've felt totally detached. I'm lonely. Friends are all in relationships as are siblings, I've been single for a long time.

I'm 49, I'd like to retrain I just don't seem to feel anything these days. No joy, so I just wanted to say it does appear to be getting better as the days get longer and the sun shines.
🙏🏻

Thewolvesarerunningagain · 23/04/2021 00:36

Hi Daenerys, Wow! you are strong to go through all that! Agreed that the better weather lifts your mood though. Keep well:-)

ClingFilmAndGafferTape · 23/04/2021 01:13

Hey @TimeWillHeal I've been in your shoes, starting anew after the "younger woman" affair. It's a terrible time, I was on my knees literally. Four years later I'm in a relationship with a lovely man, and have made some great friends in that time too. Many of whom, like me, don't have kids. But that was pre-Covid, it's a different world now. At the time I was very isolated, and it's tough. PM me if you want, I'm not a million miles away from you.

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