Feeling Trapped After Accidental Third Child

[4SeasonsInOneDay]

Name changed because I can barely cope with typing this without it being tied to my profile.

I am Mum of 3 children who I adore. DD is 4 and starting school in September, DS is 3 and had just started 5 days at nursery now we've got the 30 hours per week. Baby DS is 3 months and was the unexpected result of a rare moment of intimacy in lockdown.

After having DS I had very bad PND and because of this (& also due to ongoing health issues) we were two and done. I was looking forward to moving through the stages with my DC close in age and getting a bit of freedom away from constantly being needed and ending each day totally touched out.

When I discovered I was pregnant my first reaction was not a negative one, I adore my children and whilst it wasn't ideal I thought another one could only be a blessing. Had a touch pregnancy with some issues which resulted in a pretty traumatic birth by EMCS (previously two natural intervention free vaginal deliveries).

My recovery has been horrible, found it incredibly hard to restrict myself physically as I am a very active person with a million projects on the go. Had multiple infections and other issues, including a suspected prolapse which is currently under investigation. My scar is healed now but still painful and I have the awful tummy pouch that's typical over a c section scar. I haven't been able to shift the weight I gained in lockdown/pregnancy due to ongoing recovery issues and also tbh lack of time and sleep.

I am still on medication for depression following my PND but have had lifelong chronic clinical depression.

I am struggling. I love my baby, I really do. I am soaking up the cuddles and the smell of his head and the brand new smiles and coos but good god for some reason this week it feels like I am experiencing grief. I feel so selfish for feeling like this, and more guilt than you can imagine. But I just feel so frustrated that I am now tied to another 3 years of feeding a baby, teething, weaning, nappies, potty training etc. And not getting any real freedom or downtime. The last 4 years have been tough, but the best thing I ever did was have my children and i love them. I just am feeling short changed I guess that the time when I had it in my head that I would finally get a bit of breathing space the reality is that I am feeling more suffocated than ever.

And I feel so bad about it. I adore my baby and I know women who struggle to conceive will resent this. Tbh I resent feeling like this. But I don't know how to not feel like I want to run away and scream until I lose my voice because I am stuck here again and I don't know how I am going to make it out in one piece.

Sorry for the vent. I dont have anyone I can talk to about this IRL. My husband is amazing and pulls his weight completely so it's not a lack of support. I would just appreciate any insights or suggestions on how I can move on from feeling like this

It's good that you're taking on here and I'm sure you'll get some good advice. To me I think you do need to find someone you can talk to in real life. Friend. Family. Or a professional.

I say that because I reckon the first step to moving on from feeling like this is to talk about it.

I also think it's a fair enough way to feel and you don't need to beat yourself up about it, or feel guilty, or keep it secret.

You sound so tortured OP, and you obviously love your children very much. I am sorry it seems like a mountain to climb at the moment.
Shame and guilt aren't your friends here. Your family are all happy and healthy. And you will heal, physically and mentally if you treat yourself with kindness and care.
Can you afford a session or two nursery for the baby too? Or a babysitter? You need to show the same love and care for yourself as you would to anyone else. And stop justifying yourself. You deserve time and space to heal and grow strong again.

Your baby is 3 months, your bigger two aren’t that big either. You are probably knackered! Try not to beat yourself up for feeling this way. I think it’s a completely rational response. Despite this being a post about being overwhelmed with three kids you do mention repeatedly how much you love them.

Now how you stop feeling this way, that I don’t know. Perhaps a bit of time wallowing is ok. It’s ok to feel that your plans are derailed and to feel short changed. But you will get there again and all the bits of having 3 kids will start to become apparent.

OP, for what it's worth your post is really emotionally articulate, far better than I could have created in your shoes! Others will be along with better advice but I'm sending you my best. You're doing great, your husband & children are lucky to have you, & you will come back into your own time at some point, hold onto that x

Sending energy and compassion your way - Most importantly, be kind to yourself and accept that there is no right and wrong way too feel. Your experience is different to everyone else’s. We can’t measure ourselves against others. I recognise a lot of what you describe. In my experience the early years are hard, relentless, draining (interspersed with moments of wonderfulness, thank goodness). I used to feel suffocated by my life and then guilty about it, even the supermarket shop felt like an escape. Looking back maybe I was depressed, but it actually was hard work too and I did what I could. It gets a lot easier when they are older, and that youngest one, has turned out to be the fiercest and most inspiring human I’ve met. I’m equally proud and amazed she’s mine. Reach out, take help where you can, indulge in cuddles, use childcare and prioritise your sanity.

I think it's completely normal to feel like this after having a baby. Your body is still full of hormones etc and lots of people feel the same way you do. Especially after going through difficult births or recoveries etc and at a time you thought you might have had your space back prior to number 3 being born if that makes sense? I think it's really important to talk about how you feel and either the feelings will slowly change or/and you will be able to get more support so that you feel happier. Having a baby is always a big change no matter if its your 1st or 5th! I'm about to have my 2nd and she was very much planned and wanted and I still have "omg" moments when reality sets in. Your not alone and I hope you find the support you need x

Wow I really wasn't expecting all your nice responses. Thank you so much 💓
I have got potential childcare available for the youngest with his grandma but I feel dreadful accepting it as he is so tiny still! And I don't want to do the wrong thing by him. He didn't ask to be born, and is such a lovely little soul. Much more chilled out than his siblings. It's not that he is a difficult baby (my older two were tricky in different ways) it's just the aspect of being relied upon so much again when I was just discovering the freedom beyond toddler years

It's really ok to accept the childcare. He will be ok. You matter too you know, you don't have to burn yourself into exhaustion to be a good mum.

OP I echo what other posters have said. You have been through a huge amount: lockdown pregnancy & baby, a difficult pregnancy, traumatic birth, PND ... and oh yes, 3 very small children!

Please don't feel guilty. You are doing your DC no harm - you love him!

You are just flailing a bit, naturally. A chance to talk it through with someone would be a start. And absolutely yes to childcare! Any bit of time for you is so valuable.

It particularly resonated with me about not being able to be as active. I'd be the same. Try to be patient with yourself - you'll get back there.

Just adding that at this age of your baby, really do take the nap when he naps With my third I used to lay him safely on the pillow next to mine and he slept and I slept next to him. I set an alarm for sag one hour, but that morning downtime was the only way I could recharge to cope with the rest of the day. It was actually a very close bonding time for baby and I too.

Give yourself some credit at how far you have come already.

Plus Summer months are on the way so you can at least be outside resting in the garden with a book or a coffee with your baby in a pram if you need a break from being touched out, as let's face it that is a very suffocating feeling - that no one admits to in motherhood!

I also used the baby bouncer often even just to watch my favourite tv programme without having to constantly hold baby. He was nearby, I chatted to him etc and yet I still got a feeling of having had some me time during the day.

Oh I know how you feel! We were done after dd1 and ds (almost exactly 2 years apart!) when ds was 15 months I found I was pregnant again, my mirena had moved into my cervix. I had a horrendous pregnancy and was ill for 2 years after dd2 was born, plus my chronic depression!

I adored her but I resented her. I had 3 children under 4, was in horrible pain all the time, chronically depressed. I ended up seeing a psychiatrist for 12 weeks of therapy and it was an absolute godsend. Dh says that it gave him his wife back. Also helped that dh had the snip while I was pregnant so I knew I couldn't get pg again.

Now that accidental baby is 17, is learning to drive, is coming to the end of her first year of training to be a beautician. She's gorgeous, and a really great kid, and has totally completed our family.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'd say, check you're on the right medication and try to set yourself up with some counselling/therapy if you can. It really helps to have an outside perspective. And good luck!

OP, I am a nana and I would be desperate to help if you were my family, you have a bloody lot on your plate, give yourself a break, let grandma have the baby a few hours a week, as you say, he is a 'lovely little soul' I bet she is gagging to have him for a little while, you can either do something for yourself with the time or just flake out in bed for a lovely sleep! , you sound lovely, just give it all time, it will come good in the end.

Firstly, which anti depressants are you on and at what dose? The chemicals in your brain will have taken another battering through all of this, so whilst I’m not a medic, my initial thought was maybe it would be worth considering a chat with your GP (health visitor?? No idea if they’re around to help during all this). I’ve had 3 bouts of PND and the last one took a lot longer to get through. You may need a different dose or a combination of the meds with a talking therapy or similar. I know that won’t fix your feelings, but it might help you cope whilst you work through your feelings, along with the inevitable lack of sleep and running around exhaustion of 3 children.

My DC1&2 were 7&5 when I had dc3, so I had a bit of breathing space with school days. Dc3 is 6 now, and it’s only recently I’ve realised I’m just moving forward with their needs. At 12&14 the older two now want me in totally different ways and some of what I thought were my own needs have become less important to me. I’m not saying I don’t prioritise myself or put myself last, I still make sure I have me time, but I think you reach a point where you see them starting to assert their own independence so you work to try and still fit in with that in a way that works for them. I’m probably not explaining myself very well, my life isn’t dictated by my children, unless one of them is poorly, I rarely give them a second thought in work for example 🤣 but as soon as you reach the point where you have to do much less for them, it becomes more important to be there for them and hope they still want you. At least it has for me anyway.

So, even though as parents we look forward to the time when they’re less reliant on us for everything, the focus shifts and they just need us in different ways.

I probably have less me time now than I did a few years ago, but I’ve worked through what’s important to me (rock concerts with my sister and an overnight stay in a hotel has been a life changer 😍🎸 on hold thanks to COVID! But it was only a couple of years ago I restarted all that). But if you maybe work out what’s important to you for you to feel like yourself, like you’re having that much needed break away (even at this stage if it’s just a solitary trip round the supermarket, like pp says! - I used to happily spend 20 mins down the washing powder aisle just staring into space 🤣) then you might feel like you have something to work towards.

Little steps helped me, like putting a nice hand cream in the bathroom, then putting it on whenever I managed after a hand wash. Aiming to paint your nails once a week / go out for a half hour walk by yourself / sit down with a magazine or good book / buy yourself a bunch of flowers etc. Whatever makes you feel good.

I always found having something to look forward to helped. So start small but aim in 3 months from now to up your me time slightly.

Sorry I’ve written an essay. Your post resonated with me so much. I hope maybe there might just even be one thing that helps from this. You’re definitely not alone in your feelings though. ❤️

OP, you have had a tough time. The past year has been tremendously difficult in itself let alone navigating it with young children and a lockdown baby. Be gentle with yourself and keep talking...you will be fine. All being well we have our children as grown adults for longer than we have them as little kids. One day you'll be sat round the table with your three adult children and their families and these feelings will be a distant memory. "This too shall pass" is said a lot, but it's true.

@4SeasonsInOneDay

Wow I really wasn't expecting all your nice responses. Thank you so much 💓 I have got potential childcare available for the youngest with his grandma but I feel dreadful accepting it as he is so tiny still! And I don't want to do the wrong thing by him. He didn't ask to be born, and is such a lovely little soul. Much more chilled out than his siblings. It's not that he is a difficult baby (my older two were tricky in different ways) it's just the aspect of being relied upon so much again when I was just discovering the freedom beyond toddler years

Take the childcare! You’ll be a better mum if you’re rested and happy and he’ll love time with his grandma. Good luck!

@daisydalrymple Wow thank you so much for your kind words. It's a lovely different perspective to have (& makes a change from all the "make the most of it they'll be grown before you know it" guilt crap that I usually see!)

I am trying to do the tiny things for me - so at the moment that's cleansing my face properly at least one per day and using my proper toner, serum, moisturiser afterwards. It feels positively indulgent to spend those five minutes alone in the bathroom after my poor skin has been neglected probably since before DD was born I have just been up to the loft to raid the bookshelves and have found a book to get started with. Again I havent read an actual book in years, so that might be nice.

I'm currently on 150mg sertraline, which I've been on for just over a year now. Incidentally I did complete some talking therapy this time last year for my PND after being on the waiting list for 8 months. I might look into a private option

Ah, I’m on citalopram, so the dosage is totally different. I’ve halved my dosage finally! Dc3 was 2 before I started it this time though, and I lost my dad since then too, so that’s prolonged me being on them.
You do come back stronger, just different,, with a shift in priorities.
It’s brill ant you have your DH on side too, sometimes that can become a problem in itself. Our relationship has suffered I must admit.

You've been through a lot op. Cut yourself some slack and stop feeling guilty please!
You just need time to adapt to having a third, and heal from your very recent pregnancy and surgery.
Self care is great and leaving him with a doting grandparent sounds good too. Just go for an hour if you're not sure. Go for a walk and get a coffee or do whatever it is you like.