I'm literally looking for anyone that can understand how I feel I have a 2.5year old boy and 5 month old identical twin boys. To say I was having twins to begin with was a total shock they are MCDA so therefore not genetic and anyone can randomly conceive them. We made a choice to have one more and get the baby stage out the way but got two for one something that has thrown a curveball into our lives anyway let alone raising them.
I feel guilty for evening saying this but I literally hate every minute of my life i dread waking up to the same things everyday and I am also heartbroken that I will never have a girl the option to even try is out of the question as we already have three children now. I literally look at them and I love them but I resent them I don't want to look after them anymore, the gender disappointment is something that I don't understand but is happening to me all the time I see someone have a girl and I get upset or jealous it's crazy and stupid but it just keeps happening. I am so sick of not having a break I'm spread between 3 children so thinly and with COVID I have literally not had one bit of help, the babies are so used to me and only have me and my fiance and my mum who has been part of my social bubble but works full time so can only help sometimes that they won't allow anyone else to feed them except me. I feel like a feeder that's all I do if it isin't the twins it is my toddler.
I have lost my identity my career de-railed now I have three, my figure gone my freedom gone I miss just being with my son, i miss being with my fiance who couldn't possibly be more supportive but he works fulltime and helps when he is home.
Everytime I try to reach out for help and say that I need help. I get well you wanted another child, yes I did but I didn't plan two I didn't even think it was possible I didn't exactly ask for this they are wonderful in lots of ways but I don't feel the same way about them as I do my son who I actually miss because I have so little time with him now. I do everything I can for them and try and make them all happy, have our house sorted, organise everything. Whilst I sit here 6 days without a shower haven't changed out of pyjamas, want to exercise but literally have no time until 9pm when they are all asleep. I have spoken to my gp but there is a clearly difference between grieving parts of my life that will never be what I wanted or expected and accepting that then there is depression a tablet can't solve a life I now have it is what it is I just feel so alone even though I am never alone and then so guilty because I have three beautiful healthy children I just don't see how I will ever be any form of happy or me again.