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Original poster

Help! Advice to give poor DD for school tomorrow

16 replies

4PawsGood · 20/04/2021 17:09

DD is 12 and started high school last August (Scotland). She had a friendship group but in December one of them made something up about her and one of the others believed it, kind of wrecking the group. She made friends with someone else while we were in lockdown but it was very intense and then there have been lots of fallouts, eg if my DD was out with anyone else (from different schools).
Today they (new friend) agreed to have lunch together, which they did, but then the friend ran off with two other friends who were then saying they were having a private chat.

DD now feels she has no one left to have lunch with tomorrow. Apparently you can’t just have lunch with people you don’t know. I’ve told her she can’t let new friend use her as a guaranteed lunch busy and then ditch her. But I don’t know what she’s going to do tomorrow.

Obviously I’m only getting one side of the story from DD and obviously 12/13 year girls are foul, but jeez, she just needs a friend or two.

What is she actually meant to do?

OP posts:
Spied · 20/04/2021 17:18

Well, it's a form of bullying isn't it.
Could you encourage her to talk to her form tutor/pastoral care.
Personally I'd offer to make her a packed lunch tomorrow ( assuming she has school lunches) and perhaps this way she might sit in a different section of the dining hall and sit with other people?
I know this doesn't help long term necessarily but my make her feel a bit better about tomorrow.
Are there any lunchtime clubs?
Could she go to the library during lunch break and perhaps this way meet others she vaguely knows who she could chat to?
Am sure there will be acquaintances from classes that she knows who she could make the effort to become more friendly with where the friendship isn't so intense and toxic.
Long-term I'd be trying to get her involved in lots of after-school clubs.

Original poster
4PawsGood · 20/04/2021 17:38

Thank you. I’ve been encouraging out of school friendships and that’s actually going ok. I’m looking at clubs, but she’s not keen. She also says no one goes to the library. New ideas though, so thank you.
I’ve asked her about speaking to her teacher and she says she was actually hoping to catch her class teacher at the end of the day, so I’ve got her to email her now to ask if she can have a quick chat tomorrow.

OP posts:
FloralJammies · 20/04/2021 17:41

You’re probably better off emailing her year head/pastoral head if she has one as she’ll have numerous subject teachers. What a horrible situation for her, I hope you get it sorted.

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MrsBungle · 20/04/2021 17:42

Bless her. Can she think of anyone from one of her classes who she may not be particular friends with but who is nice and she gets on with? Perhaps she could ask them if she could join them for lunch?

2bazookas · 20/04/2021 17:53

Tell her to look for somebody lonely all on their own and give them some company to eat lunch with. Chat to them and get to know them.

Teaching her some polite social skills useful in adult life.

monkeymonday · 20/04/2021 18:16

I work in a secondary school, and the weekly staff update has mentioned keeping an eye out for kids on their own, as many are having friendship issues due to lockdown (and not seeing friends/learning social skills etc).
I would email or even call the head of year or pastoral team, they will come up with suggestions.
They will be having similar conversations with other parents.

All the best

Original poster
4PawsGood · 20/04/2021 20:10

Thank you. DH is unwilling for us email school but I think we should.

She can’t really think of anyone nice! And said it would be using them a bit. I am working on that.

I don’t think she knows people well enough to know where the groups of people start and end, to identify who is on their own.

I’m sure she’ll be fine, she’ll have to be, but she’s really sad and worried right now. We’re talking about whether packed lunch is better or worse.

OP posts:
Cipot · 20/04/2021 21:06

I'd send her with packed lunch and text her at lunch to see how it's going. She could then just find a quiet spot to sit. Dd used to go to the library and colouring club. Over time a bunch of them did. They're hard those years I think. It seemed to settle down in year 9. Do they let them come home for lunch? That could be an option until she's found new friends.

Shieldingending · 20/04/2021 21:11

Ahh poor girl, and poor you. I have been having very similar with my year 8 daughter who is 13. Girls of this age can be so mean to one another... we are focussing on doing something nice each night at home and she tries to go into lunch with someone from her previous lesson so she’s not alone. It’s heartbreaking. She has asked a few girls about meeting up out of school. Sometimes she’s had knock backs but she’s also had a few positive experiences which helps. It’s so challenging for them to establish new friendships, and for us worrying about them!

TheSpottedZebra · 20/04/2021 21:15

Buy her a magazine to read over lunch- ie something nice, and a bit different?

It's quite mature to realise that she'd be somewhat using someone on their own, if she only wanted to sit with them when her friend has ditched her.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 20/04/2021 21:37

DH is unwilling for us email school but I think we should

Absolutely contact the school. Excluding someone is a form of bullying, your DD should not have to put up with this treatment of her. Plus she needs to feel she has someone she can turn to in school. That is either her form tutor, pastoral or head of year.

Email them. Times have changed if your Dh thinks this isn't the way it works now. Mental health is huge in schools.

Shieldingending · 21/04/2021 06:28

4PawsGood hope your DD has a better day

Original poster
4PawsGood · 21/04/2021 08:03

Thank you everyone, she has an appointment to speak to her lovely class teacher this morning, so we’ll see if anything comes out of that.

OP posts:
Spied · 22/04/2021 16:46

@4PawsGood
How did it go?

Original poster
4PawsGood · 22/04/2021 17:20

She’s alright, which is the important thing.

It’s not going great, the friend repeated the same thing the next day, and then today she had lunch with someone she thinks is a bit uncool but is nice. Friend was not happy with this and has blocked her on Snapchat.

She says her day was awful but she’s less deflated and tearful than she was around December when we had similar issues.

Her teacher told her of another girl who is struggling but has mentioned my daughter as someone she’s like to be friends with, which has been a big boost I think. But doesn’t help with lunch, as this girl has lunch friends.

Thank you for asking. Smile

OP posts:
bettertimesarecomingnow · 22/04/2021 20:11

She needs to make friends with the boys! They don't do this kind of shit. Which is why I was always pally with them!

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