The birds and the bees! Bodies, puberty and relationships - sorry if TMI

[Sumasi]

Hello

Very basic, but how do I explain body changes and sex (and relationships, consent etc) to a DD9 and DS5?

I always thought the discussions would evolve naturally. And initially they did (eg when I had my period my DD would ask what a tampon was and I’d explain in an age appropriate way, but then the coil meant I’ve not had a period many years.) But nothing is brought up.

They are clueless. My elder has briefly mentioned that boys and girls can be friends without being boyfriend/girlfriend and it’s silly when others tease them (which I’ve agreed with) and that boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls. We’ve discussed friends starting to change and need deodorant etc. Bit very little more. I am very aware my eldest will start hearing things at school, and I always thought they’d know from us in an open and factual way first.

As background I had an entirely repressed childhood (no discussions ever of body changes beyond a book at age 10, no discussions on boundaries, healthy relationships or consent, embarrassment if anything to do with a body was mentioned). Needing deodorant was embarrassing. Periods were heavy and painful but no support. No knowledge on healthy boundaries.

Please be kind. I always thought I’d of had open factual chats by this age (in an age appropriate manner - that paved the way for open discussions on more complicated issues such as porn when they get older) as things were mentioned at school. But it hasn’t happened. I’m very aware how they lack knowledge that their peers have.

How can I equip my children? I’ve purchased 2 books (Kay’s anatomy and Claire Rayner’s the body book) to try to read to them at night in the hope they spark discussions, but they only want books on fairies and dinosaurs 😂 😭. I don’t want to force things, but I also don’t want them to learn from peers not caring adults who can perhaps put things into perspective.

Many thanks

Bump

I think you’re overthinking this, and I sympathise because I was worried about this too a year or so ago.
If they are still asking for fairies and dinosaurs then they are not quite there yet. My conversations about these things have started to arise naturally with DD as she has progressed through Year 6 and the beginning of puberty.
Just let them know that they can talk about anything and ask anything with you

I'm looking into this at the moment too, from the same sort of background, so interested in swapping tips! I found this raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/puberty-sexual-development/sex-education

And this, from the same website. Australian material seems useful for health matters at the moment. raisingchildren.net.au/teens/development/puberty-sexual-development/puberty-helping-your-child
This book was recommended on mumsnet once and has served us well so far. www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-Younger-American/dp/1609580834?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
I could do with something aimed at boys.

The Usborne ‘What’s Happening to Me’ books are great. There’s one for each sex.

At 9 hasn't your daughter's body started changing even if ever so slightly?
You can start discussion around that and prepare her for what is to come.

DD knows a lot about puberty, periods,babies etc. The chats just happened . She knows nothing about sex though as she never asked and still refuses to acknowledge that her dad had anything to do with "the making".

Yeah. The usbourne book. Get it now!

always use the right names for body parts; breast vagina penis etc.

Let them see you and DH naked as an everyday occurrence.
They don't need an entire sex encyclipadia at once; small steps as occasion arises.

Occasionally mention "when you grow up, DD, you will grow breasts like Mummy. DS won't have breasts but his penis will get as big as daddy's. You'll get hairy places on your body.

If friends are pregnant, tell them "she is growing a baby in her belly. when they ask how it got there, " A and B made love, which is a special grown up cuddle and the Daddy put in a seed with his penis"

@2bazookas

always use the right names for body parts; breast vagina penis etc.

Let them see you and DH naked as an everyday occurrence.
They don't need an entire sex encyclipadia at once; small steps as occasion arises.

Occasionally mention "when you grow up, DD, you will grow breasts like Mummy. DS won't have breasts but his penis will get as big as daddy's. You'll get hairy places on your body.

If friends are pregnant, tell them "she is growing a baby in her belly. when they ask how it got there, " A and B made love, which is a special grown up cuddle and the Daddy put in a seed with his penis"

Which part of the body do you mean when you say vagina? Since it's so important to use the right names.

There’s a fab book called ‘The care and keeping of you’ it’s by american girl i think. MUCH better than the usborne ones

Mummy laid an egg is a superb sex education book for the very young, it is funny, so avoids all embarrassment while managing to convey what it takes to create a baby. It is a brilliant book. Didn't cover puberty though but still worth getting.
I had similar upbringing to you and am equally keen not to replicate those mistakes!

The Care and Keeping of You (Revised): The Body Book for Younger Girls (American Girl Library) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1609580834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_DZ2625ZSTG2QWJZKMKZ6?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Honestly can’t stress enough that this is SO much better than the Usborne book. DD had both. This one is the best.

The Care and Keeping of You (Revised): The Body Book for Younger Girls (American Girl Library) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1609580834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_DZ2625ZSTG2QWJZKMKZ6?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

it’s about puberty and growing up coming to terms with changes and everything that comes with it.

You could bring it up by asking them what they know about the subjects you want to cover, and just go from there. Just do it in a matter of fact way, the same as if you were discussing how stomachs work or whatever.

Just read the reviews for the care and keeping of you book. Lots of criticism for it seeding insecurities by making assumptions as to exactly what the reader will be working about (i.e watch your weight, talk to your doctor about a diet), so while I think it is great for a book to acknowledge that we all compare ourselves to others and that can lead to us feeling insecure about something, to actually cite examples which could well be the first time the reader even realises it's a thing (small breasts) is irresponsible to my mind. So I know reviews can be taken with a pinch of salt but there were enough of those that I think I'll serve it though I'm sure it also has good stuff, I don't need insecurities that aren't there being created.

Thank you for taking the time to respond! I really appreciate it. The DC see us naked (we don’t run around but the bathroom door isn’t locked and they wander in for a chat whilst we are in the shower etc) but there’s been v few questions. My 9 year old hasn’t developed at all yet although her peers have and I am aware she will too soon.

Your responses have helped thank you, I thought I’d be slated that they are so utterly clueless at the moment but reading some of the online material linked, 9 isn’t too old to start. She’s not interested in the books I have but I’m going to read the reviews and then buy one of the books, as at least I will have age appropriate ways to discuss what will be happening. It may be silly that I don’t, but my past history means I don’t know what ‘normal’ is (I was sexually abused starting at an age younger than my DD, hence wanting to make sure she can understand things now and is equipped to both talk to us and have the ability to say no). Until I met my lovely DP I didn’t know that a relationship could be. I’m desperate to make sure that they are supported and prepared, as I view that as park of protecting them.

Many thanks again

That's great, you can get those messages in frequently. So for example my ds or DD can say no to anything to do with their body, I never overrule them. I might strongly recommend something and tell them why but by never crossing the line over who gets the ultimate day I hope that if push came to shove they would feel no inhibiting to exerting that right in others situations. I want to brush their hair, put excema cream on, change their soggy trousers... Anything, I always ask their permission. So that's a great start because it's built into the fabric of everything you do, it's not one conversation or something they need to remember, for them it is totally unconscious that if someone wants to do anything to their body they say if it happens.
Obviously that's just consent, but that's where it all begins.
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, the fact that you are building better for your children is a huge triumph over the hand of cards you were dealt. So glad you got to experience a better relationship as an adult.

Hope you get the gist... Autocorrect got the better of me there.

@RealisticSketch thank you, I hadn’t thought of that fully. So I’ve been doing that for eg washing but not all forms of contact. I’m going to practice extending it.

I’m luckier than many, private therapy as an adult and a very patient DH :) I just want to make sure that my kids have the boundaries and words needed, and can talk about anything to me with no fear or shame. It’s not as easy without a ‘template’ which is why I love the hive mind of mumsnet when I’m stuck.

Dts are 9 and they did it all in school at the beginning of this year, y5. I would be very surprised if your DD doesn't know more than you think.

The Usborne book is great, we also had one called Amazing Bodies that would be good for the younger one.

[quote Sumasi]@RealisticSketch thank you, I hadn’t thought of that fully. So I’ve been doing that for eg washing but not all forms of contact. I’m going to practice extending it.

I’m luckier than many, private therapy as an adult and a very patient DH :) I just want to make sure that my kids have the boundaries and words needed, and can talk about anything to me with no fear or shame. It’s not as easy without a ‘template’ which is why I love the hive mind of mumsnet when I’m stuck.[/quote]
So useful isn't it! Don't know anywhere else on the internet like it.
I don't make a great song and dance about asking permission, like if it's a routine thing like excema creams where they always accept it, is just a tacit thing Ds offers his hands etc or I just say, 'just need to brush your hair, ok? ' so it's not ott it's just like breathing, part of what you do, any no is a no. I encourage that when they play too, no means no etc.
My hope is that if they're ever in a corner there will be no subconscious inhibitions to overcome in having the final say, it might just make the difference. I want securely abused but I was bullied at home and taught to be a good little victim for the sake of the peace and took a long time to unlearn the lesson that others could overrule my boundaries. I want better for my DC.