Is it normal to feel a bit bitter that life has changed forever now I have DC?

[PlanterGents]

My DC is disabled and wrap around care isn’t possible, so I’m essentially his carer. He should be starting a school for special needs children in September. I’m currently on mat leave but will be handing in my notice as I can’t do the job with such limited hours available etc. I have explored every Avenue now.

I feel very bitter about this. Is that normal? I worry a lot about DC as they get older, his future etc etc. But more often now, sadness for my own self creeps in Not to mention lack of pension etc, so I’m extremely worried and feel as if I have no security.

We are at a balanced stage now where everything available to us is put in place, lots of practical solutions etc. Overall I’m happy it’s gone so well with regards to resources etc. However, none of which will solve my issue of no real ‘sense of self’.

It might be my age, I am not even mid twenties. I always thought I’d go further after DS and possible second DC were of school age, building the foundation for that by private nursery as a baby. But life happened and got in the way. I cannot logistically put things in place to realise my potential. It makes me really sad I hope most mothers of disabled children feel this way.

I hoped to have a more selfish experience in my late 30’s/early 40’s. But it’s all gone before I even got a whiff of it.

Oh bless you. Seeing the parenting experience you imagined vanishing away from you is really hard. Have you had any therapy to help you come to terms with your son's needs and your experiences?

October I haven’t, no. I assumed it was quite normal to feel this way? It doesn’t really impact my daily life but sometimes I do think about it, and I feel so so sad. But then I put on my big girl knickers and get on with it, until next time

I think it's normal to feel like that even when you don't have extra challenges added in there. That sounds very hard, I'm sure other people with similar experiences will come along shortly to reassure you. It isn't selfish to want things for your own life, no matter the circumstances.

I think it's very normal.

Much as we love our DC it is totally normal to want a life for ourselves as well. I'm a single mum to toddler twins. My husband left and my life/working options are extremely limited due to child care issues etc. I get so depressed sometimes.

for you.

I think that’s very normal. I cried when I had to turn down a place on a highly competitive phd course. I’d somehow managed to block out my actual circumstances when I applied, and believe that ds going to full primary school hours would make it possible. Even without the gruelling training schedule there was no way I’d be in a position to work in that career when I’d finished training.

I can’t explain how I managed to sustain the complete denial and blind spot! Up to the point where I turned the offer down, I had half convinced myself that I was imagining ds’ problems and just being an over anxious mum (basically what everyone who can’t help you tells you when you have a dc with asd).

Now imagining it feels like thinking about someone else’s life.

to anyone going through similar

Big hugs. Two of my dc have autism. One at a specialist and one going to a specialist. It’s completely limited my work options as one just would not cope with any after school care and we have enough issues getting her into school. My older one is 11 now and has made huge strides so could go to some form of afterschool/holiday care if really needed but wouldn’t want to. Youngest is exceedingly challenging.

I do feel a lot of grief. For the person I once was and the opportunities she could’ve had. I also grieve for the experiences as a family we’ve missed and the difficulties we’ve had to face. There’s a lot of sadness.

Your dc is still young and could make a lot of progress. You never know what the future holds.

Yep, as PP have said 100% normal as far as I've seen.

I had an EMCS with DS (now 9), had a hellish time with breastfeeding, I went back to work while DH became the stay home parent, DS has ASD and ADHD and so school has been a constant series of uphill struggles, and we've just deregistered him to home educate. None of this would have been on my 'how my life will go when I start a family' list. Recently I've found a career that I would love to go all-out to pursue but I have this group of part-cheerleader, part-malcontents who need to be considered first and foremost

What I would say is this - it doesn't matter if it's normal, it doesn't matter if it's just you, it doesn't matter if everyone else seems to have it uphill both ways with blizzards compared to you, if you feel like you're grieving for something you haven't got, then counselling or therapy is a completely valid, healthy, reasonable thing to pursue. Or not, depending entirely on what you feel you need.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and I can totally see why.
I had similar situation regards to my dc being ill and had to give up my work that I really loved, but I was way older than you. I hope you can figure out the way to make yourself happy.

Very normal to grieve for the life you had hoped to have. I would highly recommend counselling / therapy.

We are finding it nigh on impossible for both DH and I to work and meet the needs of our DS. Similar issues with wraparound - I think the system just assumes that one parent is available as a full-time carer.

Take the time to grieve and then you can look at other (maybe better?) ways to find joy and fulfilment in your life.

All the best

YANBU. We’re in a similar situation. DP and I both work part time. It’s the only way we can both work and meet DD’s needs, but of course it hugely limits the jobs we can take, career progression, pensions. It sucks.