Can we just normalise saying we aren’t fine if we aren’t

[Daisiesarecute]

Every time someone greets me and they say “how are you?” I feel like I’m obliged to say “all good” just so I don’t come across as negative when in reality sometimes due to the shitty MH I have at times I just want to be honest and say “no I’m not fine”

Anyone else the same?

I find it annoying that the British fretting of "you alright?" Or "how are you?" Isn't actually a question about your welfare but something more like saying 'hello'. I'm the same and would never answer it with how I'm actually feeling, for some reason.

*greeting not fretting

But the asker doesn’t want to hear that. They aren’t actually interested in how you are. It’s just a social convention: they ask and you say fine. It would be really awkward if you said you’re not.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I find it annoying that the British fretting of "you alright?" Or "how are you?" Isn't actually a question about your welfare but something more like saying 'hello'. I'm the same and would never answer it with how I'm actually feeling, for some reason.

YES! That is exactly what I meant but I just couldn’t explain it properly

Isn't actually a question about your welfare but something more like saying 'hello'
The correct response to “how do you do” is “how do you do”. Under no circumstances should you say how you actually are doing.

It would definitely bring every one down. The best response to 'How are you?' is 'Never better!'.

Fake it til you make it.

I am far to open about my feelings and it makes people feel uncomfortable. It is not very British.

You should find a few people to open up to though. Again try not to constantly complain about the mental health as it genuinely sucks their own mental health to talk to depressed people endlessly.

@Bearclaw

Isn't actually a question about your welfare but something more like saying 'hello' The correct response to “how do you do” is “how do you do”. Under no circumstances should you say how you actually are doing.

I know, it's madness!

Every time someone greets me and they say “how are you?” I feel like I’m obliged to say “all good” just so I don’t come across as negative when in reality sometimes due to the shitty MH I have at times I just want to be honest and say “no I’m not fine”

The point is, as you've said here, at this point, it isn't a question, it is a greeting.
Blimey, even the Doctor catches people out with that one

If you are sitting down with a friend, for a netter, then the words 'how are you?' become a question.

It is an anomaly with the English language, it is true, but you have recognised that the first one is a greeting, so it seems you understand that.

No I don't think we can normalise it, as PP have said, it's a non-question really and it's one not to be answered with anything other than 'fine' or some other positive acknowledgement.

If there was a movement to normalise truthful response to this one then I reckon that people would just stop asking it altogether.

I think that is a point Lying.

There is one person I don't say how are you to. Sadly they are never happy but won't seek professional help - I don't blame them for that decision but just in case it's thought we haven't suggested it.
So I ask if they've been out recently. Then the conversation at least has a chance of having some positive element as they do go out a lot.

It's not an invitation to talk about how you really are though. It's just a greeting. Same as ca va or que mas or countless other greeting phrases used in different languages across the world. Apart from anything else you'd not get anything else done if you spent ten minutes listening to everyone you met in a day telling you about their piles or bunions or their feelings about their parents.

Depends who is asking and what the situation is. And how much they know about you and any issues you're having.

As PPs have said it's not generally an actual question but a thing to say.

Round here it goes

Alright?
Yeah, you?
Not bad ta

The idea that I might actually start talking as if it's a real question is ???

The postman, next doors teenage son, or the random bloke I've seen in the pub a couple of times... ???!

I suppose it's the way you say it. No I wouldn't go into detail with our friendly busy postie but I might go upbeat if it's a bright day and were both looking happy.

I have a brisk sister in law who says it very formulaically in a kind of sing song : that dictates the tone and I just mutter fine!

I think we all know that there is a different intent to 'How are you?' based on context.

If your best friend is asking, answer the question honestly. Ditto if it's your GP or your SO.

Not if it's the woman behind the till at Tesco. She just meant, Hello.

It's not a question. They aren't asking how you are, they are saying hello.

If you want to talk about your feelings then do so, but not indiscriminately to anyone who only said hello to you.

So why are people saying it when it's not what they mean? What's the point?

I agree OP, I hate it. Why can't people just say hello and leave it at that?

So why are people saying it when it's not what they mean? What's the point?

That's how language works? When you say Goodbye, you don't actually mean "god be with you" do you?

I do wish my mil and sil would stop saying it as they was are not interested in discussing anything. It grates after these years. Hello would be preferable.

Agree with others, How Are You? is a generic greeting and shouldn't be taken too literally. It's small talk and not an invitation to offload all your woes in most circumstances.

Obviously, mental health should not be a taboo subject and opening up to people close to you would help you enormously. Context and situation is everything here.

I'm sorry you're struggling with your mental health Op and have some support

it totally depends who is saying it. if its someone random that you hardly know and arent trying to get to know, or is busy, then thats different to if you see someone that youre on going-for-coffee terms, then thats different, but i dont think a short greeting like that warrants therapy session either.
If I see a friend or someone i get on with, and im not OK, I would probably say something like "ugh dont ask" or "no, but I will be" or something along those lines.
That then opens it up so they can either kindly and nicely get out of the conversaton going further "oh, one of those days, hope it improves for you", or you can arrange a catch up later, or go for coffee.

Some people must be awfully confused if somone said "How do you do?"

I think as a general greeting "how are you?" demands a single sentence answer, but very occasionally I substitute "ooh, don't ask, we'd be here all day!" for the usual "fine". Feels more real than lying, but lets the asker off the hook if they're not ready/willing/able to have a proper chat.

@Daisiesarecute

Every time someone greets me and they say “how are you?” I feel like I’m obliged to say “all good” just so I don’t come across as negative when in reality sometimes due to the shitty MH I have at times I just want to be honest and say “no I’m not fine”

Anyone else the same?

Agree with you.

I was on a call this morning with work and found myself saying fine, I've even said this to family. The reality is, I'm far from fine.

I thought this already was normalised. But maybe my area is just ahead of the curve.