is this what a mid life crisis feels like??

[yellowDahlia]

I'm really not sure what's going on in my head at the moment. I’m 43, live a very normal life, DH, 2 DDs, decent job, all very average. Even up until a couple of weeks ago I was very focused on what's right in front of me - work, family, my usual interests, just daily life really, folding laundry, putting the bins out blah blah... But in the past few days I find myself feeling quite trapped by it, sort of amazed by how mundane it all is. I feel drawn to images of parties, new countries, different men even (and I am very settled with DH!) - I feel like running off to start a new life on a Greek island, becoming a version of myself that really doesn't exist! This sounds a bit nuts writing it down, but it's like I'm craving some kind of parallel life which is very different to my own. And even more nuts when you consider that this is completely not in my nature - I'm a homebird, an introvert, I enjoy socialising only with close friends and like routine, familiar things - travel, partying, meeting new people is never high on my agenda!

Why on earth am I feeling this way? I had a very sheltered, ordinary childhood and to be fair limited life experience until I went to Uni and even then I hung about with a very safe crowd - drinking and relationships were not even the focus at that point. I married DH fairly young and have never had any other significant relationship apart from him. I wonder have I missed opportunities which I may now never have? Or will I get the chance later in life - the older I get the more confident I feel, I know myself in a way I never did when I was in my 20s/30s. But not about this - do I actually really want to have these experiences or is this just some kind of weird mid life crisis?? I mean, my rational brain knows I would never find satisfaction in any of this really - if I suddenly got on a plane to Brazil to go and ‘find myself’ (disregarding current global circumstances) I would be terrified and so out of my comfort zone! Even if I was just to go clubbing on a weekend I KNOW I wouldn’t enjoy the reality of it. Up until about a week ago I fully expected - and hoped in fact! - I would end up partially reclusive, surrounded by cats and plants in my old age - now I find myself hoping I’ll have some freedom, some independence, that I can go and do anything I like, anywhere I like. The thought of caring for ageing relatives, being tied to an average job, or when I’m retired shuffling about the house making cups of tea and reading the paper makes me feel really sad. I find myself daydreaming a lot - as an escape I guess? - it’s actually helped me to detach my brain a bit, it’s a nice distraction and I’ve stopped obsessing about work and getting annoyed by housework or whatever, but I do worry what if these are real feelings and not just a coping mechanism.

I think I have been quite stressed lately - work has been very busy, there’s been quite a lot of upheaval there and I’ve been very absorbed in it and the idea of getting a new job; the pandemic and lockdown has obviously been hard, though we’ve been lucky compared to many - up until a few weeks ago when we lost my FIL to Covid. I’ve managed to look after myself by taking walks, enjoying nature and my garden - these are all things I love - but just now I’m going through the motions and I just feel...weird. Even if I can write this off as some kind of mental coping thing during a difficult time, what do I do next? I’m a fixer, I need to take action if there’s a problem - but I have no idea how to address these feelings? Or do I just ride it out? Why do I feel sad about experiences I may never have that I previously never wanted?!

Has anyone else had similar feelings? Is it realistic to wish for freedom and some excitement, maybe even to explore a different side of yourself later in life? Although I just don't see how it's possible when I'm in the middle of a very average life - one which I think/thought I'm pretty happy with ... Thanks if you've made it this far, I don't even mind if there are no responses to this post - I feel a bit better just writing it all down...

I’m tempted to blame lockdown op! If you say that you’ve always been happy being a home bird, then I can’t imagine that’s changed- what has changed is that you’ve been forced to stay home. No matter how much you love it, a year of staying indoors has to take its toll.

All the people who love partying and travelling would probably feel the same if they weren’t allowed home once for over a year, were forced to go out every night- if you don’t get a break, anything can become relentless.

I suggest you give yourself another year. Lockdown is lifting, life should hopefully be back to normal soon. You can start going on holiday again, start exploring, and once you can leave the house maybe the lure of being comfy and cozy at home will come back. If you still feel like this next spring, talk to your husband, maybe suggest a few lone trips, but I really think this is an effect of the pandemic, and if you ride this wave you’ll come out the other side your old self.

Thanks Ginvere, I think you are probably right, some kind of lockdown madness. It's a bit unsettling though, on the outside I'm going about life as usual but in my head I feel like I'm questioning all my life choices! And wishing for something else that's not even realistic or likely. Even though I have a great life already. It's weird... I guess it will probably pass in time.

I think it's partly lockdown but also the pandemic generally has made people reevaluate their lives and think 'is this really it?'. When you realise your own mortality I think a common response is to quickly think about all the things you haven't done that you wished you could do before you die. Life is so uncertain now, people are reconsidering their priorities and trying to do the things they always dreamed. I think that's part of it.

I wouldn't dismiss your feelings but would instead pay attention to them, see if there are themes emerging that you can make sense of, and maybe write down some things you genuinely would like to achieve during this part of your life. Maybe there are ways of working towards the things you want right now?

Yes that sounds sensible. And I can't act on anything right now anyway - but like I say, I wouldn't even if I could because my rational brain knows it wouldn't really be 'me' or make me happy. Thinking about it, I think it's the fear of being trapped by my circumstances, now and in future. Maybe I just need the reassurance that I will have choice, freedom, possibilities in the future. And of course I surely will. Paying attention to it now seems like a good idea rather than dismissing it.

More thoughts on this... I wonder if what I'm craving is some kind of 'higher level' experience simply because of the utter monotony of recent months. You know that high you get when you're at a gig or a club listening to amazing music, about two drinks in - or when you're in a really beautiful place and the sun is really warm, and you just feel everything, you feel alive. I sometimes feel similar when I'm alone on a work trip, visiting a bigger city like London. There's something slightly thrilling about it, a sense of freedom and possibility. Maybe that's what I'm looking for and missing. As much as my life is good and has not been as hard in the past year as it has for many people, I've still felt like I've been in survival mode for a long time - trying not to think about the pandemic or trying to keep my head down and do a good job at home or work when things are quite hard.

I'm recording this here for myself as much as for an update - and also for anyone else who might read it and it helps to figure out what they're feeling.

I'm definitely having 'is this it' thoughts. I'm deep in perimenopause and have very low self worth unfortunately. Therapy is my next destination as I have problematic relationships and feel like I've become the invisible woman. It's as if I want to be anyone other than the person that I am. I wouldn't be without my dc, I absolutely love them but there is a lot of monotony involved...and I do crave a bit of excitement...just not sure in what form or what it would entail.

Walnut sounds like you're in a worse place than I am.. I hope therapy helps you to find your way through it.

I'm still trying to put my finger on these feelings this morning, today I'm reflecting on the fact that I've never really been my own person in a lot of ways. I went straight from school to uni to a relationship with DH and then being married and all that entails in terms of joint decision-making and compromise. It's something I've struggled with a bit as I've traditionally been a people-pleaser and hate confrontation, so I'll always choose the thing I think will keep the peace or which won't annoy or disturb another person's perception of me eg my parents or DH.

For example, even if I decided to go off on a day trip myself for some solitude and headspace he would find it weird that I'd even want to do that, and probably be a bit hurt/upset that I didn't want to spend it with him and the family. And then it would just be weird and I wouldn't enjoy it, so I would never even ask. I guess that's why I've enjoyed work trips in the past - it's an excuse to travel alone without any questions asked! But it's so stifling to have to account for everything you do and the reasons for doing it. I even felt irritated when he appeared at my office door yesterday when I was posting this message - wondering what I was up to, was I working. Why the need to check, why can't I just sit at my laptop and do something without explaining myself? It's that feeling of not being able to make your own decisions without impacting others - I know this is part of any relationship or family life and we all have to do it, of course, but maybe it's just wearing me down at the moment because of the extended period of lockdown and my brain is trying to kick free of it in some way, which is manifesting itself in craving more extreme scenarios of escape and excitement.

It will be interesting to see if the feeling wears off as things unlock and we can travel about more and do more things. I hope it does, because I guess I'll always put family responsibilities first, and it's going to be a long wait until I'm free of those to enjoy some kind of late-life rebellion/freedom phase...

The other element here is that this could be a crazy lady hormones as I've just checked the dates and I'm pre-menstrual and I do occasionally experience quite 'existential' and negative feelings before AF arrives... nevertheless I'm still paying attention because it doesn't necessarily explain the feelings, it's maybe just making them more acute.

I may be rambling now... but it's helping to write it down and put it somewhere. Thanks to all who've messaged, I appreciate your input.

I think it's natural to reflect on things at different life stages, and the last year has meant that many of us are evaluating our choices.

However your last message makes it sound like your husband is part of the problem, as he's not giving you much room to breathe or grow as a person in your own right. He might not realise that he's even doing this, but it seems life it's stifling you.
You are yearning to travel by yourself and just be you, alone, without anyone else. This is not unreasonable. Maybe think about making plans to do that in the few months/ year or so (once restrictions are lifted). How would your husband react?

Rhubarb's advice upthread was great -
I wouldn't dismiss your feelings but would instead pay attention to them, see if there are themes emerging that you can make sense of, and maybe write down some things you genuinely would like to achieve during this part of your life. Maybe there are ways of working towards the things you want right now?

This is your gut telling you that something is not ok. Feeling stuck is a sign that maybe it's time to change things, but you don't need to make radical changes straight away, just don't ignore your feelings.

Thanks mullet that's good advice and I'm certainly taking time to think about what I'm feeling and why.

How would my husband react if I told him I wanted to travel alone? I think he'd be baffled and a bit disappointed. I feel like I can't share any of this stuff I'm thinking as he really wouldn't understand it. I'm not sure I do! Like I said upthread, I'm the kind of person who wants a quiet life and usually very content with my home life. He's really not doing anything deliberately and is not especially overbearing I think, this is more like a misalignment between what is expected in 'normal' family life and how I am feeling at present (albeit quite out of character).

Perhaps this is all part of growing older and knowing yourself better... life events suddenly waking you up to things you didn't realise about yourself.

Perhaps this is all part of growing older and knowing yourself better... life events suddenly waking you up to things you didn't realise about yourself.

I certainly think this is true. If you stumble on any further realisations I would be glad to hear them.

Thanks walnut