If you have a small family, who would care for your children if you died?

[RedPoppy89]

We have two DC aged 4 and 1 and embarrassingly we don't have a will. We want to sort this out but we're not sure what we should say about who would care for our kids if we die.

Both sets of grandparents are great, but they live at opposite ends of the country (we're in the middle). One set are pushing 70 and the other are mid-60s so I'm not sure how realistic it is for the kids to live with either of them long-term.

DH has no siblings and neither do I. We do have a couple of very close friends who I expect would be happy to take on a decision maker type role (money held in trust etc) but I'm not sure how they'd feel about taking full guardianship of a couple of extra kids...

Anyone else in a similar situation and how have you dealt with this?

We’re not exactly the same as my DH has a brother but our issue is that we live in Australia and all our family lives in the U.K.

We have asked him to be guardian and he has said yes but what a nightmare it would be to have to lose their parents and then move to a new country.
My plan is not to die.
You can set up a trust so that if you did ask a friend to be guardian then they would be financially compensated (ours covers school fees plus quite a lot extra but it doesn’t cost us much every month to pay).
Don’t forget it’s only until your oldest turns 18 and then they can be guardian. So maybe pick the nicest or youngest grandparents and then try to both stay alive for at least 14 years.

I have no brothers and sisters. If I died DS would live with my ex husband, if we both died he would live with my mum. Like PP my plan is not to die though

If there is nobody obviously suitable the decision would go to a social services guardian I believe, and they would go into foster care while any family members or family friends could put themselves forward and be assessed as potential adopters/long term foster carers. If nobody was considered suitable then an adoption or long term foster placement would be found I think.

My cousins hopefully, we are fairly close. I haven't asked though.

We have a sibling each but they would not be who we wanted our children to live with. It would be some friends instead, he don’t know our children very well but who we think would bring them up with the values we would like.

Have you any cousins?
Ideally it should be someone within the family.

The more I think about it and the practical issues, taking children to see grandparents and family occasions when the guardians aren't family could be very awkward.

I think I'd put your will as the youngest or fittest grandparents and review often. If it came to it proper long-term foster carers who are experienced and with access to support might be a better option than a friend.
Just because you put it in your will doesn't mean the person can't refuse later.

I have one cousin who probably wouldn't be suitable. DH has loads of cousins but barely knows them - hasn't seen any of them in over a decade!

I suspect that both sets of grandparents would want to look after the DC if it came to it. Certainly if the only other option was foster care. But it would have to be one or the other - they couldn't do it jointly as they live so far apart.

Would it be ok to put that the grandparents would need to fight it out between them (in suitably legal language)?! I'm leaning towards this but DH thinks that wouldn't be fair.

Talk to your sets of parents, you could make the arrangement, with their agreement that they would live with the D.C. in your house until kids reach a certain age or something.

Yea you will probably want to come up with secondary people but sounds I wouldn’t rule out the parents based on location, neither are particularly old.

Then maybe make a list of your nearest and dearest. Could they be joint with any parents? So maybe your children would live with them but your parents would get to sign off on major decisions.

I'd name the fittest set with the other set having access at holidays.

A bit like a split parents arrangement. Thinking about it the kids will need all the support they can get.

OP, you need to ask both sets of grandparents whether they would want to, or be able to. They might both say no, and your idea of “letting them fight it out” would be a non starter.
And don’t delay making a will. You never know what may happen. My DH died of a brain haemorrhage at 36, with no warning.
Colleagues of mine, a married couple, were both killed in an avalanche while skiing, leaving their children orphans. Life has no guarantees.