2 Daughters - have another pressure

[BlessedDD]

Hello - I’ve name changed for this - I come from a community where boys are seen above girls. Traditionally girls are ‘married off’ and become part of their new family and boys stay home etc and look after the family.

My Grandfather moved to England in the 1950s I was born in the 80s - during my childhood boys were definitely ‘revered’ but not by my family. I was loved and allowed to follow my path - I was ‘allowed’ to go to university and there I met my white English husband and now have the two most amazing daughters. My family and extended family adore me/my daughters.

However when I bump into people from my community - so this is generally on the street because of COVID or at events pre pandemic I get comments like ‘oh you have everything now what else do you need ...’ or when will you have another - they don’t say it directly but they’re all trying to say have a Boy it’s a well known tactic by ‘Aunties’

Honestly I adore my daughters I can’t describe how blessed and lucky I feel to have two daughters.

Even if I had a third I would of course want a healthy child but another daughter (and btw I won’t have another baby). So my general come back to these people is to laugh and say I’m too old - I feel blessed with what God has given me etc the response I get is if God wants to gift you with more children he will - my response is (by the way this is all in our native language so doesn’t sound so odd) God doesn’t choose if I have another baby nowadays we have control/choice. This generally shuts the conversation down as any talk of sex is unaccepted.

I don’t feel pressure not sure why I’m even posting just wanted to get it off my chest and if anyone has any other useful responses perhaps people from communities where boys are so wanted.

OP, you can be part of changing those old attitudes, simply by existing, and showing how happy you are with your daughters!
Britain is by no means a feminist paradise- we are still fighting the patriarchy on many fronts, and lots of Brits still celebrate “It’s a boy!” much more than having a baby girl. So there is a long way to go for both cultures.
But you are doing your bit, and your DDs will be glad they have such a mum, who values them.

Thank you @Babdoc yes we are giving our daughters all we can. I want them to have the choices my parents gave me - I always grew up knowing how important education was and knew I was to go to university. My mum in particular is just out of this world - very different to others in the community and has stood by me even when I married out of faith/culture. I know my Father (he passed away) was incredibly liberal in his views too and always wanted me to go as far as I could.

It just grates me that these ‘Aunties’ who themselves would have been teens/young adults when coming with their parents to this country have these attitudes having spent most of their lives here!

I'm not from the kind of community you are but with two girls I get the odd comment about having another. Tbh I wanted two girls so for me the set up is perfect but some people cant see that others are happy in lives different from their own. If I'd wanted 3 I'd have wanted another girl (but would have been happy with whatever)

My go to response is now

Person "dont you want another? It could be a boy"

Me "I know, it's not worth the risk"

It gets their back up and they think I'm rude which allows me to explain how rude they were to start with. Or I dont get the chance to explain and we each think the other rude, doesn't bother me

Well, the Aunties may have spent their lives within their own cultural group, and not mixed much with new ideas, OP. Or they may have internalised the misogyny, or were afraid to rock the boat. They may have had controlling fathers, who would have reacted harshly to any sign of feminist views.
We can’t really judge them, but just try to be agents of change ourselves. As you are doing, brilliantly!

Yes thank you @Babdoc and love your response @Everyday21 - I do have my amazing nephews though so that might be seen as a slight against them.

My father wasn’t a mysogynist but our community god it’s awful. I even hate going to our events as the women do the cooking etc and even the men eat first.

My DH is from this kind of culture, OP - I suspect the same one.

He tackles it head on, saying something along the lines of "Oh, come on, auntie, you're not doing that old fashioned thing of thinking we need to have a son, are you? I think we've all moved on from that kind of thinking now, haven't we?" All said with a smile and in good humour. It usually shuts them up.

Not sure if a woman could get away with saying that, though.

Thanks @paralysedbyinertia that’s a good one - dependant on how it’s said - intonation /expression as with any language accounts for a lot so in my native language I could say it jokingly/but seriously. I am known for my wit but these comments annoying just floor me - it’s exhausting.

Reading your comments I think I am from the same culture as you. I have 3 daughters and I have always had various negative reactions. The one I hate the most is the look of pity from people. Not sure why they’re so concerned for us when dh and I are perfectly happy with our dds. They’re such a blessing.

I remember years ago when I had dd2, someone asked me who will stay with us in our old age as we have only girls. Looking at present times even the boys don’t stay with their parents after marriage.

I think I am from the same culture as you OP. Its frustrating. I would challenge it all the way. Its one of changing this small minded thinking.
When I was younger, an auntie asked how many siblings I have. I replied: one sister. And she made a pitying face and remarked how sad it was that I didnt have brothers. I retorted back that I would hate to have a brother! (This was based on the many stories my friends had told me of their nightmarish bros!

I know the pitying look!! My daughter’s will be trailblazers!! Whatever they choose to do in life - they’ll hopefully be strong and know their worth and minds.

My maternal grandmother suffered similarly had 6 daughters before my Uncle was born. I feel so sad for the pressure those pregnancies put on her body and also the lack of worth/love my aunties/mum felt - pushed into arranged marriages in their teenage years to equally mysoginistic men chosen by my Grandfather. Thankfully my mum got lucky with my dad although he died when we were young. Mum still single handedly brought me and my brother up - and didn’t bat an eyelid when I chose my husband and stuck by me all the way.

@BlessedDD I have nephews to and they're amazing and I'd never want to put them down and that's my point. Why is okay for someone to suggest daughters wouldnt be enough but would take offence if I suggested I didnt want sons. You've had some good other comments though, probably less likely to cause friction then mine

Try to ignore it and focus on your girls. I have 3 boys and get the "don't you want to try for a girl" or the worst one was people being disappointed DS3 was a boy when we were delighted. It's rude, hurtful and nasty for people to make these comments but I tend to just raise an eyebrow at them.