Do you argue or fall out with people much?

[itsalifetimesworkfella]

I think I'm a very nice person overall, all things considered. Try to do the right thing, listen to others, be kind, give more than I take, thoughtful and accommodating.

But

I do seem to be arguing more with people. Or am I being more assertive as I get older?

Some things I shrug off, a lot of stuff I let go as I can't be arsed, but more and more dickish behaviour is being called out. Especially with arsey men

Is this normal? Or am I becoming cantankerous?

Anyone else experiencing this?

PS. I don't regret any of it.

My friendships have tended to drift as lifestyles change rather than fall outs.
I accept that people have different opinions and don't expect people to agree with me or bow to my obvious wisdom Most of my opinions tend to be shades of grey rather than black and white. I don't generally display political or contentious opinions, but like intelligent discussion.

I've only once let rip at someone. We were travelling in a group and he was not an easy or practical companion. Was the type to be quite black and white and forthright with it. We'd been travelling over a week and it was the final day on the Trans-Siberian so had been cramped in a small cabin together for 4 days. He fancied a nap and thought we should sit silently and moaned about us whispering. The only time I've ever sworn at someone, and my rant was rather theraputic.
It later turned out I had PMT too (irregular cycle)

In nearly 20 years, DH and I have only had 2-3 rows. We can usually discuss and compromise. Only a few friends have seen my temper blow. Rare and spectacular.

@LubaLuca

I remove myself from people that I think I'm likely to and up arguing with. I don't like conflict, and I avoid drama when possible.

I haven't spoken to my sister for a year because she said something that she knew would make my blood boil. So much easier than a showdown.

This is like my husbands family. If they have a disagreement they just cut you out their lives. No contact for years between some of those family members. My family can offend each other, argue/debate and then call each other the next day to apologise, and continue to enjoy each other’s company. I’m so thankful we’re not a family so sensitive that we’d cut each other out if we said something wrong, like my husbands.

I must add we don’t often offend each other, fall outs are very very rare, but the next day we see sense.

@CheerfulBunny

I think about this a lot. Once you cross a line with someone and confront them, generally you can't go back and repair that relationship. For instance, I struggle with our neighbours and noise and really feel like going round and having a massive argument with them about it. However I know it would make things worse ultimately. As has been pointed out, it's about choosing how to react to a situation and however unreasonable you find it, you always have a choice. I'm only making myself unhappy so I'm trying to find a solution for coping that doesn't involve confronting them and falling out. It's very hard though.

What a sensible post.

'it would make things worse ultimately' - totally agree with that. I tend to think to myself these days "what will make this awkward situation better" and 99/100 it's to step back, be calm, be adult, don't do a thing you won't regret tomorrow, let THEM be in the position of looking back on it and feeling with some regret that THEY were the unreasonable/hotheaded/childish/badly behaved party.

@snowdropsandcrocuses

I used to argue with people a lot and call it 'debating'. Then I joined the police. Now I will quite willingly defend or stand up for my position if absolutely necessary but nine times out of ten I will show empathy or walk away. I have realised that nothing is black or white and there is very rarely a right way and a wrong way. I have seen neighbours kill each other over disputes, the very worst in people due to a total lack of understanding and empathy. You don't need to argue to stop yourself being walked over. Arguing is an action. It's rarely necessary.

Wow this is quite an amazing comment. Thanks for sharing.

I agree, standing up for yourself can take a lot of different forms. It doesn’t have to be falling out with people. It doesn’t have to be arguing. Standing up for ourselves can often be walking away, pulling back and taking a different tact.

If anyone is offensive or try’s to engage in conflict or confrontation - I respond strategically by shifting into the opposite low gear.

I withdraw, emotionally detach in my head and pan back. Maintaining my dignity is the most important thing and with increasing distance comes a new perspective.

It’s v powerful and disarming to be calm when someone else is kicking off or goading. I won’t give them what they want. Silence is my super-power. I will give them a opportunities restore and repair and if drama happens again I withdraw from the RS without even any explanation because IME these types don’t do resolution, compromise, insight or empathy - they just defensively double down. So I take myself out of punching distance which frees up more time and space for emotionally healthy, mutually radiant friendships.

I teach my children to diplomatically swerve difficult people.

Agreed @Sssloou

I had to get counseling for being in an emotionally abusive relationship. They gave me some good advice, as my Ex was always trying to argue with me, always putting me on the back foot.

They said next time, mentally observe what is going on, take your mind out of the argument, notice what the person arguing with you is doing, notice the patterns. Don’t engage at all, be boring, don’t defend yourself.

I’ve tried this in other circumstances, and it is very useful, stepping back mentally every time.

Another good technique is repeating what someone says back to them in a different way, if you can’t get out of the argument easily. But I do agree, most people arguing are not after a resolution or compromise. It’s just learned aggressive behaviour or something else bubbling under the surface.

I'm quite argumentative and 8 times out of 10 it gets me in a worse position. My DH is always calm and never argumentative and very very rarely raises his voice. He generally comes out of any dispute very well. He's an SEN teacher in a pupil referral unit. He's used to being challenged but it's impossible to wind him up. What's interesting is the kids are never violent to him. Most other teachers get lamped weekly but never him!

Interesting hearing about the viewpoints from people who have jobs that require dealing with conflict, how being even-tempered and calm is a benefit.

I don’t argue with people, and sometimes get walked over but I like helping others so don’t mind most of the time if it’s for the greater good. My parents are very argumentative so my position probably stems from that. I try to point out behaviour and its impact on me to try to get others to understand my point of view.

If someone pisses me off I may make a thinly veiled sarcastic comment but more often than not I would just make a mental note to avoid them in future.

I'm so glad someone has posted this. I think I'm becoming less tolerant and I've been calling people out more, but it has lead to me falling out with people, recently.

My previous approach was just to roll with that punches, but it always left me frustrated when I've been walked all over.

I think I need to work at re establishing my boundaries.

No I don't. I'll absolutely stand my ground but as I've got older I've learned to have difficult conversations with people without necessarily arguing or falling out. I'm a teacher and would be falling out with kids and parents every bloody day if not. I make it clear with people if I don't agree with them but it doesn't need to lead to a 'falling out'.

The last person I 'fell out' with was a good fucking awful friend who behaved in an appalling way to me and my children but I couldn't be bothered with the drama of a screaming argument, so I told her exactly what I thought of her and just cut her out of my life. The only person I've ever just cut contact with and it was a surprising relief. Not every person you lose is actually a loss.

I don’t argue with people more but I do lose people more often out my life due to weeding out the chaff. I honestly cannot be bothered with entertaining people I don’t like.

I'm really good at not engaging or defending myself. People just take the piss. I've lost so many 'friends' because of this.

One thing I’ve noticed is that some people have great models as kids for how to stand their ground well, without shouting, and have more confidence as a result.

I was bought up to not have my own voice, and to appease others. It’s taking me years to learn how to stand my ground in a way that doesn’t cause lots of conflict. There is a self assurance that someone have from inner security I think. My childhood and early adult hood were tough and insecure, and as a result I do end up feeling either repressed inner rage from being walked all over, or being accused of being opinionated if I do speak up as it’s difficult to jump out of the ‘unconfident insecure’ person box!

Thanks for the replies. I'm talking more about acquaintances or semi professional settings. I'm involved with some local community committee groups and, honestly, the behaviour of some is appalling.

I think I need to learn not to take the bait.

No, I don't fall out with acquaintances. I suppose I could.

I very rarely argue with people. I prefer to keep the company of like minded people who have calm temperaments. I know that risks living in an echo chamber but I can't see many positives to rowing.

I definitely ‘step back’ from acquaintances if they get on my nerves. But I don’t argue generally. I don’t know if it’s the same as ghosting, but I have little time for rubbish these days so I just duck out. If I can’t physically duck out, I ignore many comments.

Local community committee meetings are bit rife for rubbish! You can have an excuse to only stay for your part of the agenda and just leave. Or bring some paper and write your shopping list.