NC for this as outing. Sorry this post is long as I don’t want to drip feed. Everything after the first paragraph below is just background.
I am looking for some ideas to help PiL get/feel more involved with my DC (six months). I’ve included specifics of our situation below but I’m really just looking for general advice rather than specific advice on my particular PiL. DH would be very uncomfortable with any “have it out with them” type conversations - they aren’t really a “let’s talk about our feelings” kind of family!
I have never had a great relationship with PiL (mostly MiL as always!) but we can chat perfectly happily and we don’t argue at all. When I was first with DH I wanted to be closer but they didn’t really approve of me and we just didn’t click - not a massive issue, I’m a grown up and not looking for surrogate parents. Now I’m happy with the status quo between us - friendly but not close works fine for me.
However, I don’t want DD to miss out on a good relationship with her grandparents because I’m not close to them. It’s really important to me that they have a good relationship as I want DD to have the most people caring about her possible.
There are a couple of particular points of tension:
- We see my parents a lot more than PiL. PiL have made it very clear that they resent this. We have stayed with my parents about one week a month since we were allowed to form a support bubble with them. I have been struggling with PND (I am largely recovered now) and having my parents’ support has been really amazing. They are also happy to look after DC while DH and I go out for a walk/have a lie in etc. so being there is a real lifesaver. My parents also work flexibly so are available to help during the day. I can see why PiL would feel a bit left out by this but I really don’t want to reduce the time I spend with my parents to placate them. PiL don’t know about the PND - MiL has made comments about people making too much of mental health issues these days so I don’t think she’d be very sympathetic.
- PiL visiting - I am aware that PiL shouldn’t be visiting due to COVID restrictions. However, they are both vaccinated and isolated and other than seeing them we are following the restrictions completely so the risk is minimal. I would say they have seen DD around 5/6 times since she was born. They are frequently late, just sit and drink tea and occasionally hold DD and leave quickly. I suspect they don’t want to be pushy but are taking it too far. They often announce that they want to visit the next day, twice we have said no (once because we already had plans and once because MiL had a cold) and MiL has snapped and sulked for days on both occasions.
I definitely don’t claim to be the perfect DiL - I’m polite and make an effort when talking to them but I don’t really think about them when they aren’t right in front of me. I still hold a bit of a grudge about them not being welcoming when I first met them so I’m not very sympathetic to them though I am 100% never rude. I’m sure they always feel welcome when they are here but I don’t think to specifically invite them as it doesn’t occur to me and when it does I see that as DH’s responsibility. However, when they are here I always encourage them to come round any time whether DH is at work or not, just let me know when they are thinking of coming - I’m desperate for company and help with the baby!
Basically just don’t want DD to miss out on them if I can help it. They are hard work but they love their family and it would be good for DD to be close to them.