Overwhelmed mum tips

[WarwickAvenue]

I am feeling very overwhelmed and on the verge of burnout. It's all come to a head and I feel I need to do something. Not sure what steps I can take in my situation. Looking for ideas for things I could do or change to support me better.

I'm a FTM to a nearly 10mo. She has been sleeping terribly for last 6 weeks, and I mean there are nights in a row where I've got zero sleep at all, or just one or two hours. DH is wfh due to Covid in a very stressful / high pressure job working long hours. I do everything with dd from morning through till she's in bed. DH does his fair share at the weekend but during the week his job takes over. Due to Covid we haven't organised a nursery place and I've extended my maternity to 1 year - due to all the uncertainty. I feel I am mum only and have zero time or headspace for me or anything else. We now have a nursery place from July for half the week enabling me to work and also get a break / headspace. Until then we have no other support. No support bubble, I don't have a relationship with my Mum and DH isn't that close with his plus she lives other end of the country. No other family to help or bubble with so we are coping just the two of us.

Some days I feel so sleep deprived, overwhelmed and tearful I don't know what to do. I love my dd so much, she is a joy, but she's now at the age where she's crawling everywhere and looking after her at home all day by myself is hard work as well as repetitive. I've struggled to keep on top of daily tidying, cleaning, laundry, cooking etc, and we do baby led weaning. There's not that much open round here in terms of baby groups yet, except I've met a friend for walks a few times. There's no-one else to look after her so I can't ask anyone to babysit while I go anywhere. But with things opening up I'm starting to look around for any kind of respite. I'm also thinking of booking a cleaner to blitz our home.

If you were me what would you do/ what steps would you take to help yourself from feeling overwhelmed?

Not sure I can be much help but I understand and am having same issues so can give a handhold.

I have two, two and four months. I had to sleep train the older one at 14 months for similar reasons. Would I do it again? Yes. My only regret there is not doing it sooner. I hugely underestimated the benefits for both her and I of proper, good quality sleep.

In the end I cleared a week to focus and sort it and it took about three days.

Once sleep is better everything else gets easier, it really does.

Saying that I now have a non sleeping four month old but she's way to small for that so coffee, lots of coffee.

I like your idea of a one off clean, that's a great idea. I might try that. I mange the sort of day to day meals and surface mess but deep clean is beyond me.

It's hard.

Can I ask what sleep training you did please @brokengate ?

Sorry to hear this op. Parenting is so lonely and overwhelming. I get this. I’m just about to go back, and I can’t wait to get some grown up time at work and ds to be at nursery. I’ve been climbing the walls, tbh.

Mines a bit older, and we have almost cracked night time (I say that, but it basically means I know when he will go to sleep, and know I’ll be woken only twice in the night) I didn’t sleep train. I co sleep. I found everything else too stressful tbh.

Focus on one thing at a time - sleep is probably the main one. Take lots and lots of naps. If she sleeps, you should too.

If she’s waking lots in the night, try working on bed time routine. Bath, book, feed, snuggle/rock. Whatever works. Put her in her own bed and take yourself up to bed too.

If she’s sleeping lots in the day, try and drag out some naps until you get into a routine of 2 naps a day.

If she’s not sleeping and has too much energy, get out the house. Lots. Go for walks, sit on the grass and let her crawl around. Take her shopping with you. Absolutely anything to stimulate her.

In the house, do you have a playpen she can be in safely whilst you clean/tidy? Alternatively, I bring ds with me round the house whilst I potter about.

Invest in a robot vacuum if you can. They are awesome. Don’t stress about the housework. It never ends, so try not to focus on that right now.

When you get some energy back, maybe start some dance videos with dd. Dance with her, do some yoga with her there. You’d be surprised how engaged babies are with what we do. Plus, the exercise is will help lift your mood.

If she’s bored, go round the house and explore with her. Remember that having a baby means showing kids the world for the first time! It’s so exciting for them. Try and join in the fun.

At the weekend, Have some time that’s just for you. Go for a bike ride, go swimming (once pools open). Or have a bath and read a book. FaceTime a friend.

Then make some time for your partner. Date night/picnic. Anything to have time to talk whilst dd is busy or sleeping. I think you might be missing the adult conversation, so bring him back into your world at the end of the day and weekend and make sure you get to have a real chat.

It’s a lot right now, but it will get easier.

First - BREATHE. Parenting is hard whether it's your 1st or your 10th, I don't envy anyone with a baby in these strange times. You're doing bloody amazing!

Second - can your DH book some annual leave? Even just a day where you get a long lie and take some time to focus on yourself.

What does an evening look like for you? Do you have a routine with DD and can DH help there? Even if it's just settling her for the night, letting you go to bed early to sleep/read/listen to a podcast for a bit before she wakes.

I agree with pp about sorting daytime naps and getting out and about whenever you can to keep her stimulated, if you can't be arsed doing that then create a safe space at home and let her go nuts with all sorts of fun house stuff - salad spinners, collanders, pots, wooden spoons, old remotes etc etc tend to keep them amused for a bit

My cling on #2 would sit on our backs all day in the sling whilst we got on with things if needed, she would absolutely not be put down so this was a life saver.

Third - get the cleaner!!! Then you can figure out a routine that helps you keep on top of things.

And remember, she will grow out of it and you will have a bit of freedom again!!

Thank you for all these tips!

With routine, dd does have a very structured routine as we have had nothing else to do over the last year. She has two naps, at 9.30 & 1.30 which are fine, and she has a bath and bed routine and goes down easily. Between 7-12 she sleeps peacefully. The problems start when she wakes up in the small hours and won't go back down. So she could be awake from 1-5.30 for example.

We have a robot vacuum but it's broken so I need to fix it. It's a good idea about swimming. I need to rejoin the pool now it's open. DH does give me time at the weekend when he can so I need to capitalise on that instead of doing chores.

OMG DH and I are hanging on by a thread. We love each other so much but the time together has just gone. And forget about sex or even time to cuddle. Whilst we could spend time after dd goes to bed, he generally works late and I finish chores and then try to get to bed early. We have bickered a bit more than usuals, but we know we are sleep deprived and not to take it out on each other. Babies are marriage killers!

A playpen is a good idea, I hadn't thought of that. It would help the odd time to know she's safe whilst I tidy round.

@warwickavenue if I may offer some advice it would be this, when your baby is having her morning nap, use that time to have a sweep around the house and get all your jobs done , instead of letting it build up and then spending a whole day cleaning. You will find your more organised this way. Then maybe now it's getting warmer get her out in the pram go for a nice walk even if it's just out round the block you are getting some fresh air and so is the baby, even call in to a cafe and sit in the sun with a nice cuppa you deserve it and it's a change of scenery. Then when the baby is having her afternoon nap, you have a sleep, I only learnt to do this with my 4th baby and I wish I'd done it with all of them! I use to have a mini afternoon nap and it was fab it was just a little boost for the sleep tank.

Hi OP, I know it's not to everyone's taste but I found the Little Ones programme really helpful re sleep, and also some of the tips in 7pm-7am sleeping baby routine book (but didn't follow religiously).

In terms of getting chores done, depending on how far and mobile your LO is, a play pen or just taking them around the house and doing bits that need to be done wherever you are. The key I found with this is not to get stressed if you only manage to do a bit of one task before baby errants to move on, and then a bit of another in another place. It's applying a mindset of, "well done me, I got a little bit done" rather than focusing on everything else left.

As your LO older you may well done she actually wants to help you with washing up or moving washing from the basket to the machine, or picking things up off the floor. It will go sleep but you'll be achieving something and keeping her entertained, which is nice!

Babies are such marriage killers! No one told me that and I wish they had.

We had an awful time until my older ones were at least 18mths. This time round we are much better. Lots of gratitude toward one another for the small things. Cuddles on the sofa. Taking turns with ds when the other is struggling.

You will get back to where you were. It just takes time.

When you can, maybe get some childcare and have lunch out one Saturday just the two of you. Getting out will really help, but I get it must be a struggle without family help. Or have a night where you cook together, or even just get takeout once she’s down. Anything to have chance to regroup, watch trash tv and relax together.