Desperately need help with my toddler

[FedUpFailing]

This may end up being a little long, but if you do feel you can offer advice please please do. I'm a first time mum who's not had any support from health visiting services throughout the pandemic (like most!) and I really need help. It's impacting my mental health and my work and I need to know what I'm doing wrong with my 21 month old and how to do this better.

I'll start by summarising the normal behaviour my toddler displays, he is affectionate, gives lots of cuddles/kisses, he walks/runs/climbs well, his words are coming on more and more everyday, he knows animal noises, colours (well, green, yellow and blue so far), he eats well but is becoming more fussy (I think this is normal for his age?) he plays well, obsessed with vehicles, sleeps well (12 hours + nap!) etc. So I don't think he's overly behind in most developmental areas. I'm just absolutely exhausted with the difficult behaviour. He can go from being the sweetest little boy, giving you kisses and playing nicely to just the absolute opposite. I'll break it down into points

Temper/frustration - When he flips, he FLIPS! It can be set off from something so minor, something frustrating will start him off in an absolute rage, throwing things, screaming at the top of his lungs. It'll go on for so long you can tell he's forgotten what he was upset about but he's just too far gone. This morning my partner simply took him into the toilet with him for 5 mins and he didn't want to be in there so he screamed and headbutted the door until he let him out.

Over attachment to dad/under attachment to me - I'm not sure which of these is the case. He is obsessed with his dad, all day it is just daddy daddy daddy. He will go and look for him (he is at work so he doesn't find him) he will start grabbing my hand and walking me to the door saying daddy. If I say, no, daddy is busy, we'll see him later he will start head butting the door or floor and having a complete screaming fit. If I am downstairs and his dad is upstairs, he will headbutt stair gate and scream trying to get up there. He will reject me for his dad frequently, daddy was one of his first words but at nearly 2 he hasn't even said mama/mummy. If we say it he says "no, daddy"

Male preference - This seems to of stemmed further into a general preference to men, if we are with his grandparents it's his gramps he'll ask to pick him up. We had to take him to A&E (all fine) and he wouldn't go near the nurses but put his arms up to the male doctor to be held! His childminder is a women and has had to get her husband to calm him down when he goes as she isn't what he wants.

It's just wearing me down now. The length of his meltdowns, and the head butting doors/walls/floors is having him sent home from the childminder and me having to miss work. If we don't fix it I won't have a job. I'm at my absolute wits end and I just don't know how he can be so Jekyll and Hyde. Just total extremes. I do understand toddlers have tantrums, but this is beyond what I ever expected and is even beyond what my very experienced childminder can handle to the point he's being sent home.

I phoned my GP earlier in the week saying I need to be put in touch with the health visiting service as they haven't seen him in over year and I need help. They said someone would phone me back (3 days later - nothing yet) I've booked my toddler in for cranial osteopathy in a week or so, he sleeps really well it's literally just this behaviour that I need to address. I will try anything to avoid him being unsuitable for childcare, I couldn't handle this full time at home. He is so difficult I need my break at work, as bad as that sounds.

I don't suspect additional needs, based on the better behaviours he displays being pretty close to standard for his age. I may be wrong. I'm clueless really. Can anyone offer any advice?

What activities do you do with him in the day? Does he do more fun things with his dad? (If it’s just at weekends he is with him?). Might be he is frustrated at not being able to communicate his needs / wants.

Firstly, you aren't doing anything wrong - it's really difficult when you don't know what to do and have no support when you most need it. I found that my DD would throw a fit if she was frustrated with something she couldn't do or she wasn't getting the attention she wanted (if DP and I were having a chat for example). In the times when she was frustrated that she couldn't do something, I would say "can you ask for help? If you say "help" mummy can help you". This was game changer for us because eventually it got her to see the connection between asking for help and getting what she wanted (in most cases I'd show her how to do whatever she couldn't do on her own). In terms or wanting daddy, it is most likely because he is at work all day and you become 'boring' (sorry, not to be mean - DD was and still is exactly the same). This is just something they eventually grow out of and we've found that whoever gets DD up for the day, she likes them 'best'. If he is headbutting etc, how do you deal with those situations? Do you cuddle/remove from the area/leave him to it? My DD has never headbutted but when she was having a temper tantrum and not getting her way, I'd either just ignore her until she got the message or gently hold her face, look her in the eyes and tell her "it's OK, you let it all out" and distract her with a toy or activity when she calms down a bit and explain why she wasn't getting her own way. They understand a lot more than they can express through words so explaining things on repeat will eventually sink in, it just takes time. I hope this helps, and makes sense - sorry if it's completely useless to you!

I don’t think it’s unusual for toddlers to have a preference for adults of the same sex. My son made a beeline for men at age 2 as well, he was not drawn to women at all. He would walk past all his aunties to get to my brother (which offended them!) I know of many children who have been the same at that age — it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his mum. I think it’s probably fascination more than anything. From about age 4, my son had a better relationship with his lego-loving auntie than with any uncles, as he became able to establish shared interests and have conversations.

Does your son have friends his own age that are both boys & girls?

The temper and head butting is not unusual in toddlers but if he is hurting himself and continues to head bang, then speak to your health visitor. Keep phoning up until you get an appointment. You could try the families hubb centre if you have one near you, as HV often work out of Hubs. You might find some useful articles online too — it sounds similar to the toddlers who are so determined to get their own way that they hold their breath until they pass out. There are techniques you can try to distract/redivert/give alternative attention which might help.

Is he spending a good amount of the day active? I know it’s hard when you’re trying to work and so many toddler groups are shut, but screens, lack of physical activity and lack of company can all fester in a child and contribute to angry, frustrated behaviour.

Two year olds can be incredibly difficult. There is no reasoning with an angry toddler! Which is hard for parents, but I imagine it would get better as he gets older. If you have preschools near you, you could explore paying to send him a bit earlier than 3. Maybe your son would benefit from being in a different environment where there are lots of children and they all have to follow the same rules for behaviour. A nursery/preschool might be better than a childminder as there are a number of adults present so there is more chance of him finding one he relates to, or one who understands his behaviour and can work with him and you to improve it. Your child minder might be experienced but she might not have the time or energy to spend with him if she is looking after other children too.