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Original poster

My four year old won’t play with my friends kids advice please!

22 replies

Waterbubble · 13/04/2021 20:08

Hi,

My daughter turned four about a month ago. She’s always been on the shy side but she has made good friends at preschool and is happy to go and will sometimes make friends in the playground or other places we go. I know she does have some anxiety about seeing people / playing and will say she feels nervous if we go to meet someone (even family) but generally she will interact and play. Recently it’s been really hard to get her to engage with my friends kids who all happen to be boys. On one occassion she asked me to help her ‘be brave’ but after an hour or so where she was moving away from him and refusing all offers of games we gave up. Recently she responded by telling a different boy she was playing on her own and he can’t play with her. She told me after that she felt angry and sad because she wanted to just play with me. She told me she felt sorry for being rude but she just can’t help it. We have recently welcomed her sister to the world (11 weeks ago) so that may be part of it but I’m concerned it’s part of a bigger social anxiety and I don’t know how best to help her. Do I keep persevering? It’s really hard being the mum of the kid that won’t play but I’m up for keeping at it if needed or do I just let her play with me and trust her social skills will develop through school etc. Any thoughts welcome!

OP posts:

Leapyleaffrog · 13/04/2021 20:14

I think you have to move past the mentality of “the children of your friends are her friends”. That’s cute when they’re toddlers. At four I’d set up play dates for her to play with her actual friends from preschool. I don’t allow my children to be rude, but my four year old son doesn’t enjoy playing with my friends daughters either. They want to play completely different things. That’s fine, I see my friends at other times, or we just let him do his own thing/play by himself. I don’t think it’s a problem and I suspect typing to do anything about it would be counterproductive.

Wellies54 · 13/04/2021 21:37

Sounds like you're putting her under a lot of pressure to play with your friends kids. I'm sure it's well intentioned but if you know she's sociable in situations where she's in control of who she wants to interact with, I wouldn't worry about her. Just let her play by herself. She's under no obligation to entertain anyone else!

Nora1978 · 13/04/2021 21:40

Maybe the boys are a bit boisterous and/or she just doesn’t have anything in common with them. Please don’t pressure her to please others, she’s not doing it to be mean. She obviously is capable of socialising, she probably just prefers girls at the moment.

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lastqueenofscotland · 13/04/2021 21:43

She’s starting to get old enough to have an understanding of people she likes and does not and I think you’re being unfair to try and put pressure on her to do so

Original poster

Waterbubble · 13/04/2021 21:44

Thanks, that’s helpful. I think I’ve been concerned her behaviour is rude but you’re right she doesn’t have to play if she doesn’t want too.

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 13/04/2021 21:47

I would just leave her to decide for herself who she wants to play with. As long as she isn’t being rude or mean to them there’s no issue with her playing by herself.

Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 14/04/2021 08:22

I hated being taken to my mums friends houses / having them to ours and being told to play with kids that I didn't get on with (one bossy girl in particular springs to mind, and a little boy who was always rough with my toys). Give her a break!

ADandyHighwayman · 14/04/2021 08:26

You daughter is already aware that she has choices and is exerting those. As long as she's not being rude (which she hasn't been) that's great!

Original poster

Waterbubble · 14/04/2021 08:40

Thanks all, so helpful, I think I was getting hung up on her shyness but you are right it isn’t that it’s just she doesn’t want to play with them! I’ll let her play with her friends and find ways to see my friends by myself or let her play on her own when we meet.

OP posts:

HoneysuckIejasmine · 14/04/2021 08:47

We moved to a new area when we had 2 under 2, so I have mostly followed my kids lead on who to be friends with. It's actually been lovely, I've got to know people I wouldn't have before as we didn't have things in common/different ages/etc. It's made me realise that you can form a friendship without needing to have the same life experience and hobbies, and I've really enjoyed it.

As the children have got older I now have friends of my own but I know that just because I like the Mum doesn't mean my kids will like the kids. I don't allow them to be rude to each other but I do explain that they don't have to play together, they can play separately in the same space. That works quite well.

TiddleTaddleTat · 14/04/2021 08:48

Unfortunately the way of the world is that the parents we want to spend time don't necessarily have kids our children want to play with...

Seeline · 14/04/2021 08:48

She is only just getting to the age where children actually start playing with another child rather than just doing things alongside.

Too much pressure. I think the conversations you have described having with your DD are very advanced for a child just turned 4 - very in depth analysis of feelings and emotions that most kids of that age are not really aware of. I'm wondering if perhaps you are projecting your childhood experiences, or even some current social anxiety, on your child?

UhtredRagnarson · 14/04/2021 08:50

My best friend and I have DC a few months apart and we were neighbours since they were born but our DC just never really wanted to play together. DC are 15 now and Bf and I are still great friends despite our DC having no interest in each other.

PineappleUpside · 14/04/2021 08:55

Now it's getting warmer I'd try to arrange some casual 'shall we go to the park' after pre school meetings with her friends from there.

Freddiefox · 14/04/2021 08:56

My ds was very nervous, suffered from lots of anxiety had Tummy aches and similar. We tried a book called what to do if your worry to much. It’s aimed at older children but it gave me some ideas on how to support him.

He struggled going to school and we would do some work based around that and his fears. Trying
to give him strategies to use.

The school also helped after a while.

He’s 8 now, he still gets anxious but is more able to deal with it.

Itstheprinciple · 14/04/2021 10:17

Oh yeah, I hated the mums get togethers and the words 'Go and play' when I was young. I didn't have anything in common with these other kids. I liked to play with my friends, I had no issues there.

Camomila · 14/04/2021 10:19

I think the conversations you have described having with your DD are very advanced for a child just turned 4 - very in depth analysis of feelings and emotions that most kids of that age are not really aware of

DS1 would have had that sort of in depth conversation about feelings at that age. I always saw it as a good thing that he could articulate his feelings. He wasn't shy - but he was scared of loud noises and would tell me things like "sorry mummy, I know I shouldn't do XYZ but the noise made me feel wobbly inside and think about volcanos/fireworks and I forgot".

As well as setting up playdates with her friends for DD, if its more practical for you to see your friends in the day time with DC around maybe you could bring some colouring/toys for DD and she can practise saying things like "no thank you, I'm just doing some colouring now"

Saying no doesn't have to be to be rude. I've heard kids say no to playing with DS1 at the playground politely before
"Do you want to play fire engines with me?"
"No thank you, I'm playing ninjas" etc.

SE13Mummy · 15/04/2021 01:22

It's OK for your DD to feel shy and it's also OK for her to not want to play with children whose interests and games aren't the same as hers. If she likes colouring, sticker books, simple card games like Uno or a travel game such as connect 4, perhaps she could have something like that with her to do whilst you friends' children play. She may find that there are moments when others may be interested in joining her in whatever she is doing (so having a spare colouring book or sticker book available will be handy) but if not, she's got things she likes doing.

RebelByLight · 15/04/2021 06:56

We had this with my Dd around that age. She liked colouring so I'd always have a colouring pad with tear off sheets to take with us. If she didn't want to play, I'd send her off to do some colouring. More often than not, another child would want to join in (easier with tear off sheets than a colouring book) and eventually they'd go off to play together.

UniversitySerf · 15/04/2021 09:07

I only had this once and that’s because my DS and this other boy were just very different. DS was 10 so was extremely vocal about it. He was very unkind about this boy not to his face I hasten to add he just told me in no uncertain terms. There is no way I was going to relay it to my friend so I had to gently rebuff.

FelicityPike · 15/04/2021 09:09

Yeah, your friends children aren’t her friends.

BogRollBOGOF · 15/04/2021 12:37

DS and our friends' DS are a few months different in age. Similar interests. No interest in each other.

I suspect for a multitude of long-running reasons that the other child is on the Autism Spectrum, but whatever the wider situation is, they are not actual friends and that has to be accepted and there is nothing to gain for either child to force them to interact as friends. They'll do the same activity such as Lego in parallell, but just don't interact in the ususal way for age (Junior school) and DS gave up trying years ago, and tends to gravitate towards the other pairing of his sibling and other child.

At 4 there tends to be a bit of a gender split creeping in and more development of personal interests. It's best to make sure children can entertain themselves and let them dip in and out of interacting with others rather than forcing it.

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