I'm pretty sure that my eating disorder has reared it's ugly head again, and I'm terrified

[NoLeafClover]

I suffered with an eating disorder in my teens until my mid-twenties. Started with bulimia, then turned into anorexia. I became really unwell and was very close to being admitted to an in-patient unit. My now husband, parents and siblings rallied around me, supported me, and with their help I got it together enough that my Drs thought I'd cope okay. And I have done, for years now. I've always been teetering on the brink, I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food, but I've maintained a healthy weight.

I lost a lot of weight, unintentionally, following a period of being ill earlier this year. And it's like that has kicked my brain back into eating disorder mode. I eat once a day at most. I plan to eat, want to eat more, but I just can't. This morning, for example. Woke at 6am, told myself I'd have breakfast at half 6. When half 6 arrived I told myself half 7, then 8, and so on until 9pm tonight, when I finally had soup and an apple (having not eaten since 4pm on Saturday). When I eat more I'm physically sick, it's like my body is rejecting my attempts to eat.

I don't want to be like this and it's frightening me. I walked to the shop and back earlier (5 minutes each way) and was shaking like crazy. I'm constantly freezing, shaking, and anxious. And hungry, but I just can't eat. Which is the really scary bit. Last time around, not eating allowed me to feel in control of my life. Now the not eating is in control of me.

I can't do this to my husband and family again, the last time almost broke them. But I can't eat. I try so hard but I just can't.

It's time to look for help again, isn't it? Fuck, I thought I was past this.

Yes you need to get help. You are also older and wiser and you know that this isn’t just about food. You can beat this, but do call your doctor and get help now before it gets worse.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, op. Of course you need to seek help, as quickly as possible. This isn't your fault and I hope you feel you can go to your family for support.

How old are you, op?

Thank you, @MixedUpFiles. I feel like such a failure for being back here again. I know for sure now that it's not about food (the past year has been a nightmare, which I know it's been for pretty much everyone, but it's taking it's toll now).

Thanks @aquamarine1029. I think I need to have a serious chat with my husband tomorrow. I just hate doing this to him again. Oh, you asked how old I am. 36.

Yes you definitely do need help. Well done for recognising that. Please don’t beat yourself up about it or feel bad. It’s beyond your control at the moment. But with help you will get back to you.

Open up to your family - I’m sure they would want you to. Don’t feel guilty. This isn’t you. You are not doing it deliberately. You are not a failure. You are just someone who needs some help.

I asked your age because peri-menopause popped into my head. At 36, you aren't too young for it. If your hormones are a factor in all of this, fluctuations can cause horrible anxiety which would definitely exacerbate everything you're dealing with. My point, which I am doing a bad job of making, is that perhaps you and your doctors need to look at the whole of you, not just your history of having an eating disorder. Given this shit year, and the awful illness you had which caused you to lose weight, you've been brought to the end of your tether, I'm sure. I very much hope you start to feel better soon.

You should definitely seek help but in the meantime have you tried CBD oil it can reduce your anxiety significantly enough to kick start appetite?

Thank you, @Peridot1. They would definitely want to support me, but they have so much going on in their own lives (illness, small children) that I really don't want to put upon them again.

@aquamarine1029, it's interesting that you have mentioned peri-menopause. I actually suggested to my husband a few months back that I thought I might be in peri-menopause. I've had really bad night sweats, periods have been irregular and awful. So I guess that's something else to mention to the Dr.

@picknmix1984, I've been taking CBD oil for months now for restless legs. Unfortunately it hasn't helped my appetite at all. Which is another reason why I think my inability to eat is psychological

Could you try a couple of nutritional supplements a day until you can get on top of things a bit better? Fortisip is good and they aren't big drinks but have lots of nutrition. It sounds like you don't want to lose weight it's more you cannot stand to eat. Definitely seek help ASAP. It's a horrible illness when it gets its grip on you, a close relative of mine had it for a long time and it was so hard. Hope you can seek the help you need op x

Thank you, @TangoWhiskyAlphaTango. That's it exactly, I'm not looking to lose weight, my stupid broken brain just won't let me eat. Fortisip is a great idea, I'll ask DH to pick up some today. I really don't want to go back to that dark place, I'll do anything to avoid it. It's just so ingrained in me that when I'm stressed, I stop eating. I hadn't realised how bad it was until now, I genuinely want to eat but can't.

I’m so sorry OP. I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through but couldn’t read this and not reply. I’m so glad you’re able to admit to yourself and us what’s going on. Please, please get help.

Thyroid disorder?

Oh bless you Op, I think this week with the death of poor Nikki Graeme this is so on the minds of everyone who might have had disordered eating.
Don’t wait for things to get worse, go to the GP ASAP and ask for a referral straight away, get on it. Like another pp says, this isn’t about food. Try to relax if you can, this blip doesn’t mean a full relapse. Try to eat when you feel comfortable (even if that’s in the bath) to and the fortisip drinks are an excellent idea. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you, @Vallmo47. My GP's practice opens at 9 so I'm going to try and call then. It stresses me out so much to call my Dr, but I know I need to.

@CoffeePhoenix, I actually have an underactive thyroid. Have been medicated for it for about a decade now (relatively low dose levothyroxine).

I second increasing your vitamin and mineral supplements to help stabilise your mood and energy. Particularly vitamin D (I take 3,000iu per day with K2 already mixed in spray made by BetterYou from H&B). Vitamin D is actually a hormone, so really important for mood. Also, get magnesium spray for your restless legs. Or take regular Epsom salt baths. It's possible you are deficient in vitamin D. It's a good idea from pp to get your thyroid checked out.
Improving your gut biome also helps with mood (gut-brain connection).
Fortisip on ice isn't bad at all.
If your GP won't test your blood levels for deficiencies, it's worth paying for a private test in my opinion. Come on a MN medical board with your actual numbers. NHS bands are wide and tend to have a low starting point. What the NHS says is at the lower end of the normal range might be extremely low for some people.
Have lots of nutritious, tempting food available for when you are feeling hungry. Get your favourite breads, dips cheeses in.

Thank you, @SandysMam. I will be honest, Nikki Graeme's death scared the absolute shit out of me. And I know that's self-indulgent, and I really don't mean to make someone else's death all about me. But I know if I don't sort my shit out, I'll go the same way. And I don't want to die. But I can't stop this. But I so need to.

I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through, I have the opposite problem of eating when I’m stressed! But I know for a fact this isn’t you failing, it’s an illness and you need to treat it as such so you can get better. Talk to your husband and your family, they will want to help. Do Not feel ashamed, Covid has fucked with us all in different ways x

If you stop eating when you’re stressed then you know your trigger. That means you can find help for reducing stress.

Could you drink Ensure or other meal replacement shakes (not Slimfast) if you’re struggling to eat your meals? You could drink it in between meals too, especially if you don’t eat enough. Good luck!

Hoping that recognising the problem is the first step for you, and tact you can get the support and help that you deserve.

I can't be much help and It's great you recognise you need help. You know this is about more than just eating so I would suggest therapy of some kind. Menopause is unbalancing (I know!) So this may be an added factor.
Rember you got better before so you can again.

My mother has had liver issues for decades, and I suspect a metabolic problem. If she hasn't eaten and her blood sugar drops then she can't tolerate food, just throws up. She learnt she needed to have glucose available so that her body could absorb enough to have enough energy to digest normal food.

Now, your situation is different but maybe not totally different. As well as fortisip type things, you could try getting glucose tablets or powder as another 'in' to breaking the cycle of don't eat / cant eat.

Good luck with those important conversations with people today.

@NoLeafClover several of your issues sound like hyperthyroidism - it might be worth asking for a check up with your consultant to see if your thyroid profile had changed? It could be contributing towards your problems and tipping the balance from being able to cope with a further eating disorder and tilting it back towards active?

Best wishes