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Learning to sleep next to your partner again

17 replies

again2020 · 11/04/2021 21:19

Had anyone successfully gone back to sleeping with their partner after a long period of not?

Save for maybe half a dozen nights we've slept separately since last March 🙈
Mostly my choice if I'm honest. We had arguments, relationship problems and I had panic attacks at night which I take medication for, as well as DDs unpredictable night times. All of these things are starting to settle down now.
We do have slightly different routines at night but he wants to sleep together again and I do want to try. It's difficult as I love my own space and have gotten used to sleeping alone.
I used earplugs and an eye mask as not good with noise.

Sleeping with him never bothered me for 7 years previously so I don't know why it worries me now. I have tried to sleep next to him a few times recently but can't seem to drop off so I often end up in the spare room again. The mattress on the main bed is 13 years old and we are thinking of getting a new one with a free trial to see if it helps, but I'm not sure if this is more a psychological issue.

If anyone has any tips for me, or mattress recommendations let me know Smile

OP posts:
Steeringtherightcourse · 11/04/2021 21:24

No advice I’m afraid but following as in very similar situation. Youngest DC still a bit hit and miss with night waking but feel we should get back into habit of being in same bed but secretly dreading it!

LoveFall · 11/04/2021 21:27

My only suggestion is get the biggest bed you can fit in the room and afford. It makes a huge difference. Togetherness is nice but not when sleeping.

We also have separate quilts so I can kick them on and off without disturbing Dh.

Merename · 11/04/2021 21:28

We recently resumed bed sharing after years of small kid survival. It’s been fine for a couple of months and now youngest is going through an unsettled spell again so we are doing shifts at night and sleeping separately. Anyway, I have noticed that each time we resume after a gap, the first 3/4 nights are terrible and we wake one another up loads. Then we settle in and get used to it.

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Lostthetastefordahlias · 12/04/2021 10:06

We have done this having been sleeping shifts with a small baby - we started off doing one night together and the one night apart, it gave me that feeling of your own space as you say until I got used to being together again - could be worth a try.

TheVanguardSix · 12/04/2021 10:28

Me! Though mine was for different reasons (DH got Covid in December, went from bad to worse to nearly dying, was in ICU in the New Year, came home mid-Jan and was just so damn ill, he should have remained in hospital... anyway, I digress!).
I developed this total and utter aversion to sleeping with DH after he'd been so ill. Our bedroom had become a sick room when he had Covid. When he was in hospital, I couldn't cope with the idea of being in that room where he'd gone so bloody downhill before my eyes.

Our bedrooms can become real trauma boxes! Illness, relationship problems, miscarriages, newborns, getting up and down all night with our non-sleepers for children, snoring- bloody snoring partners (couldn't sleep last night for all the snoring) can make us want to flee the bedroom! Sometimes you just need your space! I often retreat to one of the kids' bunks for a long 8 hours of Zen! No snoring, no dealing with DH getting up and down for the toilet (which is like a Barnum and Bailey's elephant parade going down the corridor).

I have returned to the bedroom and it's been absolutely fine on the one hand, though I am struggling with insomnia, I find. My loosey-goosey theory is that when we have babies and when we're in menopause , women just need calm, Zen, a full bloody night's sleep, and space. Our bodies are so fecking under attack by our hormones, whether the oestrogen tide is high or low, it totally rules us- among other hormones (and when we're raising little ones, we've got them crying from another room or even the same one! This just adds to the exhaustion).

My best solution of late is to sleep with DH (which I really do enjoy. Pain in the neck that he is, he's a great cuddler and a lovely guy) but always know where the exit sign is. When the snoring gets too much, I sneak off to my Zen bunk in the kids' room next door (it's an amazingly calm room- it's got beautiful energy, if you're into that sort of thing). Always have an escape hatch! Unfortunately, when the kids are small and sleeping is unsettled, it's just hard to get a restful night, OP. But don't box yourself into thinking 'I must be a good little wifey and sleep all night in the marital bed.' Bollox to that. Years ago, DH and I made a pact when the kids were small: Sleep. Sleep when and where you can. Sleep is everything. Sleep makes people get along better and live more harmoniously in a household. So go ahead and learn to sleep again with your DH, but have a little safe haven that's yours- even if it's the sofa once in a while. It's ok to want a bit of sleep space from time to time.

again2020 · 12/04/2021 15:57

Thanks everyone. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Hope it goes well for you @Steeringtherightcourse It's hard for me not to dread it aswell! Maybe I'm overthinking it.
@TheVanguardSix Thank you very much for sharing your story. So sorry to hear your DH was so unwell. It sounds like you've had a hell of a time, and I hope things are better for you now. I totally agree, sleep where you can! As a young woman I lived alone for years and had a big double bed to myself every night and loved it! Grin
I'd be happy sleeping separately for the foreseeable, but there are practical reasons to sleep together again too....give DD the spare room (she's in the small room at the mo) and it can be her playroom too. I plan to put a sofa bed/TV in the small room in the future, but there may be a few months/year overlap before that can happen. We do have a very comfy sofa ( I occasionally have fallen asleep on that) and having had a young child I know that a few unsettled nights aren't a problem. Having an escape hatch is a good plan!
Luckily I'm not the sort of person who needs tons of sleep, I'm fine on 6 hours, so I'm hoping we'll be fine eventually. All the best to you Flowers

OP posts:
Tal45 · 12/04/2021 16:02

We have just bought a new mattress after a long time of not liking the old one (but still wasn't as old as yours!) and I would definitely recommend it. Knowing you have a new mattress might be the positive encouragement you need - they're not cheap though! (Plus you have to get rid of the old one).

again2020 · 12/04/2021 16:03

@Tal45 Ah what was the new mattress? We are definitely going to do this, and have a bit of money put aside for it.

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 12/04/2021 16:09

Omg I could have written this. My partner and I don't live together and haven't spent the night together in 14months. I don't want him back! Well I do obviously but its the sleeping. I just don't want to share my bed. Hopefully we will get our holiday together this year. I'm fine with hotels because its not my bed. Which is where I get a beautiful 8 hours sleep when I'm alone. I don't want to be cramped listening to breathing and snoring or someone tutting because I'm still reading. I do love him. I just don't want to share a bed with anyone. Not even Tom Hardy.

again2020 · 12/04/2021 16:11

@Northernsoullover Are you me?! Grin I'm exactly the same!! It's a taboo subject isn't it? I wish it wasn't.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 12/04/2021 16:18

We mostly slept separately in our old flat but when we moved into our house in February 2020, DH asked if we could share a bed again. I gave it a year but I was on my knees with exhaustion because sleeping next to him is like bunking with a one-man band.

We have our own rooms again and we’re both happy. I can sleep in peace with my white noise and DH is no longer being elbowed in the ribs ten times a night because he’s snoring/talking/stealing the duvet.

BobBobBobbin · 12/04/2021 16:21

Watching with interest as in same boat!

BobBobBobbin · 12/04/2021 16:24

Our reasons are illness + poor sleeping DC but I basically prefer my own space now!

again2020 · 12/04/2021 16:25

@amusedbush Sorry it didn't work out for you. I think like you, as long as I give it a good try it's ok. I do plan to convert my daughter's old room to a little spare eventually to give me the option.
My partner isn't a terrible snorer most of the time and I wear memory foam earplugs...I think it's just the feel of someone's presence next to me.
I must be quite odd Hmm 😂

OP posts:
again2020 · 12/04/2021 16:26

@BobBobBobbin me too!

OP posts:
amusedbush · 12/04/2021 16:35

[quote again2020]@amusedbush Sorry it didn't work out for you. I think like you, as long as I give it a good try it's ok. I do plan to convert my daughter's old room to a little spare eventually to give me the option.
My partner isn't a terrible snorer most of the time and I wear memory foam earplugs...I think it's just the feel of someone's presence next to me.
I must be quite odd Hmm 😂[/quote]
I'm the same, definitely not odd to me!

I can't relax when I know someone is next to me so my sleep is even more broken than normal.

Frokni · 12/04/2021 16:36

OP, it is only a taboo subject for certain people as they deem not sharing a bed to be equal to a failing relationship- this is just not true.

Between kids, work stress, general adult life, sleep is still 1 of the most important self-care elements we can give ourselves.

Cut yourself some slack and build it up gradually. Below is a list of how other people, and myself and DH have sorted sleeping arrangements:

  • 2 double beds (1 each, massive bedroom)
  • 2 duvets (1 each, super king- me and DH in first flat with NB)
  • mother (me) in super king with 2 kids, DH in spare room on worknights. Swap it out when it's my time of month and I feel rotten!
  • 2 separate rooms unless it's a night of some of good stuff Wink

All these and more are options. Just don't worry about it so much, you will find your rhythms. Good luck!

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