I'm so sad and fed up

[justdone99]

I'm going to ramble so I apologise in advance.

I have bought and sold 3 houses due to area and bad neighbours. With all of them. The last house we moved from had really toxic attached neighbours who made our lives hell. It nearly destroyed our marriage, as my DH was adamant we stay in the house but I couldn't do it.
We moved and put every last penny in to a detached, we are in so much debt, and struggling financially but we have no attached neighbours. A couple of months ago a family moved in at the back and they have been having loud parties, music blaring etc. Basically everything we moved away from.

The other neighbours have called the police for a previous incident, it's happened about 5 times now. I put a complaint in with the council but they phoned me to say nothing could be done unless it was more regular disturbance.

So as not to drip feed I have anxiety disorder and ocd. These were diagnosed in 2015 and I received at least 3 rounds of counselling. I'm currently on medication and it's been increased as a result of anxiety over the neighbours.

I've felt sick all weekend, can't eat, can't sleep. It's all happening all over again and there's nothing I can do about it. I think about it constantly (part of my ocd) and then worry about it obsessively (anxiety disorder). It's ruining my life. I can't enjoy my children or the weekend, I feel like I can't do anything.

I've been forced to work from home due to covid and I'm here 24/7. There's no break for these thoughts in my head. I won't step foot in our lovely big garden because I don't even want to hear the neighbours talk, as it will set my anxiety off.

DH and I agreed that the goal for us is to buy a small patch of land and build our own home, or look for a fixer upper on some land so we have no immediate neighbours. He's made it clear he wants to stay in this house until the DC are at college (they are 4 and 1!) and I just can't wait that long.

I need peace in my life. I can't spend it in continuous turmoil.

I've thought about ending it because what life is this? I'm constantly on edge, crying, filled with anxiety. I'm miserable. My children must pick up on it. I don't want to give them some awful childhood.

I'm struggling at work as my medication has really reduced the sharpness of my mind. It takes so much more concentration to do the basics at work.

To make matters worse, lockdown has really highlighted the lack of friends and support I have. My closest friends moved away after uni. My sister is here but I rarely see her. My dad died a couple of years ago.

DH doesn't have much contact at all with his family. I feel as now we can work remotely, that we can move anywhere.

I'm not sure what the point of this thread is, I'm just struggling, I can't see the point anymore

Sorry your going through this. Don't end it all your children love and need you ❤. I say that as someone who has lost a parent to suicide. I hope things improve for you soon. Go to the doctor for some support with medication.

Could you do something about it? If the garden is large, could you put some sound insulation panels, and use large plants or trees to visually hide their house?

@35andThriving I'm so sorry about your parent, I really am :(

I've had such a bad day with the 4yr old. He's been nothing short of hideous. He isn't happy or thriving, I'm doing something wrong but I don't know what. I try so hard.

@Pinkcadillac I don't know anything about outdoor sound insulation, we could plant trees but again it's not something I know much about. I have looked into trees as I wanted them anyway and they are just so expensive. It's a new build estate so no trees anywhere yet :(

Sorry you're struggling op. I'm not sure I understood the first post. Have they only had 1 loud party?

To be honest you'll get a bit of this wherever you live, unless you're in the middle of nowhere.

If you're worrying and anxious about it happening when it's not even currently happening then it sounds like the issue is more to do with your MH issues than the neighbors. I have longstanding anxiety issues too, and as you know, your thoughts are not always rational.

In the nicest possible kindest way I suspect after 3 moves and what sounds like a couple of loud parties? This is not actually the neighbours but your illness, and as much as you don’t need turmoil neither does your DH from the constant moving.

Ending it would be unendingly cruel to your children, whatever you are feeling they will adore you, there are always other options.

Go back to the GP and a psychologist, your medication needs reviewing, it takes a while to get it right

I feel for you. Long-term, we have a plan to move from where we are because of a similar issue, but it won't be for a good number of years (and we have been here for almost 20).

What I will say is that for me, the main issue that troubles me about this house precipitated a spiral into about of anxiety for me and I was quite unwell for a bit, and I can relate to the not even wanting to go into the garden in case you are 'triggered'. I was a bit the same. I did learn to calm my intrusive thoughts with help from medication, counselling, CBT and relaxation. The CBT helped get it in proportion (like yours it is an issue that only arises some of the time and more often is not there.) I did need to remind myself quite sternly that a lot of people have it worse and no power to escape. I also secured a promise from dh that he too would prefer to move to where this issue was likely to be less. One day. That did help and I hang on to that when I get irritated now.

What I am trying to s ay in a roundabout way is that I have learned to live with it, and scaled it back to occasional annoyance, not dominating my life as it did for a bit. The issue has not gone, it is not in my power at all. But I mind it a whole lot less. So, it was definitely a mental health issue for me. I am also prone to anxiety about other things and have had bouts triggered by other things. The counselling has taught me to notice when I am over-reacting, and recognise that the 'threat' is coming from inside myself. When I see it as 'the anxiety talking' it is easier to disregard the feelings of horror, and to stop the spiral.

I do feel for you though. It's so horrible while it is happening.

@PoutineQueen sorry if I wasn't clear I was rambling. They have had 4 parties and one backyard fight/bust up where the other neighbours next to me called police.

I do appreciate that it's my mental health, aside from the last house. I think that's why I'm getting to the end of my tether, I just can't cope with my mind, the racing thoughts, the catastrophic thoughts.

It's ludicrous to get so upset over neighbour noise, part of me knows that and feels so guilty that I put my husband through it. I get so tired of myself feeling this way. I've had a lot of therapy and my medication has been upped to 150mg (sertraline). Yet here I am, still a mess.

@candycane222 I'm sorry you have been and are going through something similar. I want to do exactly the same, I want it to be a minor annoyance rather than dominating my life. I've done CBT, and it's helped somewhat. But when it actually happens it's awful. My stomach churns, I feel sick, I can't sit down, I think irrationally and it's really, really hard to 'shut it up' .

I worry I'm putting my children thorough seeing a mentally ill, struggling mother and it's affecting them somehow.

Thank you justdone1999

I really hope things get better for you soon. I wish I had some helpful advice for you. I just wanted you to know that your children love and need you, because I had quite a bad upbringing really, my relationship with my dad was very complex. Despite all the bad stuff though I still wish he was here.

Go to the doctor and get help. Take care x

I have no advice really, but giving a handhold and a hug as I also have anxiety disorder so know exactly what you’re dealing with.

Please go back to your GP and review your medication. Also ask for a different type of therapy - that can also take trying a few things/therapists to get a combo that works for you. I have had CBT, EMDR and IEMT therapy for anxiety disorder.

The CBT was “ok”, EMDR very helpful, the IEMT was life changing, and I now have the anxiety under control 95% of the time with no medication.

Please hang on in there - you can learn to manage it and get the right medication balance for you. Please ring your GP first thing in the morning

Neighbour issues are awful. They’re unpredictable, totally out of your control, and make you feel powerless. All those things are so stressful. Add in lockdown and young children, plus money pressures, loneliness and not feeling united with your DH about this and you’ve got a recipe for anxiety.

Are the neighbours privately owned, or social housing?

Did the parties break COVID restrictions..?

Did the music go on beyond 11pm?

Do all your other neighbours agree that it’s awful?

All these things give you some leverage.

I think a good start might be to chat to your neighbours about it (the ones who complained, plus the others - not the noisy ones!) and create a united front. Joint complaints are MUCH more effective than singular ones. Plus it’ll give you a feeling of support, and your neighbours might become friends. It also might then help you associate your garden more with the nice neighbours than the loud ones.

I don't suppose you can reframe this noise from neighbours into a good thing? People, life, music, laughter.. years ago I rented a house which backed into a beer garden. It was a gastropub in a nice area, so not a scary, aggressive crowd. I came to love the sounds from next door. It was so much better than the awful plane noise (Heathrow flight path) that constantly droned overhead.
What I mean is, some people will love the sound of seagulls at the coast or stormy weather. Others would hate that. Can you work out why you hate those particular noises? Would you also hate ice-cream vans, trains, dog barking etc?

@ThatOtherPoster
On Saturday they turned the music off at 10pm. They have broke covid restrictions every time, which sort of adds to me hating hearing it. I'm really struggling in lockdown but these people aren't.

My other neighbours, I have spoken to one set about the time they called the police on them. I haven't discussed what happened at the weekend. There is a Facebook group for the neighbourhood and nothing was mentioned on it at the time so I have approached anyone.

@DianaT1969 I can't work out why I hate this noise so much. I considered misophonia, as the sounds trigger me and make me want to leave. I was coming up with all sorts of excuses to leave the house on Saturday.
However if I'm at someone else's house, or sat in a park or beer garden, the same sounds don't trigger me.
I fear the noises will wake the children and they will be scared, or it will stop us from getting sleep.

I took a long drive yesterday on my own and just cried for 2 hours.

Aww OP you can really make this more bearable with the right help, I'm sure of it. Please talk to your GP. Your mental health doesn't have to be this rotten. Please don't just think you have to endure it

I know this sounds harsh, but this is nothing to do with your neighbours