Long awkward silences

[jazzyroll]

I was chatting to a family member and they asked if I'd remembered something funny that happened at their wedding. I said no I didn't attend as you had a childfree wedding. I then has to sit there through a very uncomfortable silence while her and her husband kept glancing at each other and eventually changed the subject.

Now I dont mind that they wanted a child free wedding and I was not offended in the slightest but I was told later that there were kids there who cried and had tantrums throughout the ceremony. I have never mentioned this to my family member or her husband.

Similar thing happened at work. Colleagues looking through photos of one of their house parties and mentioned that I must be camera shy because I wasnt in the photos. I said I didnt know about the party until the monday after when everyone in work was talking about it. Again they glanced at each other and then all sort of dispersed. Now I'm really not fussed about not being invited but I do mind when I'm then made to feel I'm being awkward by mentioning the reason why I wasn't there.

Im not nasty about it. Just a matter of fact response. Does this happen to anyone else just me?

It sounds sad that you were excluded in both cases but I am not sure what response you are expecting when you say those things. It is going to be awkward and they are going to be a bit wrongfooted by being confronted by something uncomfortable in the middle of a previously lighthearted conversation.

I think you're right to say. You're basically calling them out and so obviously they'll be an awkwardness.
I'd be ready with something to carry on the conversation, then you come out of it feeling good and no silence. May still be a bit awkward though

@MrsTophamHat it's not about what response I'm expecting. They made a decision to have a child free wedding and I respected that. I just think as adults it shouldn't need to be awkward. They make it awkward with the glances and silence when they should just own it and say 'oh yeah' and move on.

I just think if you want an honest conversation about it, that's fine but blindsiding them like that is going to create awkwardness.

You seemed to be asking why they react like that. That's why. It's a handbrake turn in the conversation.

Missing the point really. Im not asking for an honest conversation. Just a normal one. Child free weddings come up a lot on MN. Are we never to mention them once the event has taken place? But never mind. I won't say anything. I'll just smile and nod in future.

I'm not sure what point i'm supposed to be missing. It's not a normal conversation if you're bringing up awkward and uncomfortable topics. What do you want them to say when you raise these things and catch them off guard?

Either

A). you want a normal, chilled conversation with these people in which case, don't mention it.

B) You want to make them squirm because you're pissed off with them, in which case carry on as you are

C) you want to address the issue properly, in which case approach it like a serious conversation.

You've just said it. Awkward and uncomfortable. Why do you say I'm bringing up awkward and uncomfortable topics? I'm merely stating no I dont remember what funny thing happened because I wasnt there!

Why are you not thinking that THEY are bringing up an awkward and uncomfortable topic when they talk to me about their wedding which I clearly wasnt invited to because they wanted a child free wedding?

I get your point OP, you didn't create the situation and it must feel unfair to have it seem it's being turned around on you, however, it's obvious 'calling someone out' is going to yield that response, unfair or not.

I think I'd just pick my battles. Ultimately you can't be that close if they can't even recall whether you attended their wedding, unless it was years ago. It's just small talk.

The colleagues thing is a slightly different context, and feeling excluded is horrible but unless you're going to bring it up at the time properly and discretely on your own terms (who do you think should have invited you or why weren't you) and then deal with it and move on, it's pretty socially awkward to bring it up in the way you have, off the back of someone else discussing it positively. It will only ever be seen as negative and uncomfortable and as though you hold a grudge.

Life isn't always fair but it could be made easier by simply saying 'that sounds so funny, I actually wasn't at the wedding but what a great memory' is a lot different to 'I dont recall that because I was excluded because it was a child free wedding' type of comments.

Your just saying how it is/was. Can't see a problem. It's obviously a sensitive subject for them and I don't see why you shouldn't state a fact 🤷. They're problem if they feel embarrassed

It's hard to understand what you're confused about. Asking someone if they remember a detail of your party, and then having to be reminded that they weren't actually there because you didn't invite them, is a bit embarrassing. It's their mistake, not yours and their problem. But completely normal to feel awkward.

It seems it was more Embarrassing for them, than for you. Makes me wonder why they were embarrassed: if they were happy with that decision at the time then they knew people wouldn’t be able to make it. That’s fine, but why be embarrassed.

I’ve had this happen to me too - a leaving party at work to which I was not invited, and an evening wedding party at different place of work. Horrible for me at the time but didn’t see why I should spare their blushes by dancing round it when asked ‘am I going to the party’ or ‘where were you at the wedding’ etc.

I've had this OP and I think your response is right.

For me it was a family party of a close family member that I was secretly uninvited to. I was told it was a shame I couldn't come as I didn't have a babysitter when I'd already organised a baby sitter.

After that not one person at the time ever brought up the party with me before or after, not to ask what I was wearing or ask me where I had been afterwards, so it was clear to me that they were all in on it (including my DP).

I didn't ever bring it up at the time because if I had I'd have been accused of creating drama and making it all about me.

But every time now someone mentions back to that party and how great it was, my response is that I wouldn't know as I wasn't allowed to go.

I don't want to create drama but I'm certainly not going to pretend I was unable to make it due to a problem on my side when it was clear that I wasn't invited in the first place.