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Original poster

Funeral next week - what to expect?

17 replies

butterry · 10/04/2021 09:36

I’m going to a funeral next week. I have never been to one before and have no idea what will happen. It’s a cremation not burial. All I know is that I should wear black.

She died from cancer and the family requested charity donations which I have made. Do I need to bring a card and bunch of flowers to the funeral?

I have no idea of funeral etiquette and don’t want to upset anyone. Covid may also have changed the proceedings so recent experiences would be helpful, thank you

OP posts:
Jenthefredo · 10/04/2021 09:42

I'm sorry for your loss.
You don't take a card to the funeral, no.
Generally, if the family have requested donations to charity it means family flowers only and these should be ordered and sent to the funeral home by the florist prior to the funeral to be included in the hearse with the coffin.
Due to covid there will be 30 or fewer mourners in the Chapel and you will need to socially distance unless you are sitting with people you live with.
You will need to wear a mask unless you are exempt.
Usually there are prayers, music and sometimes a eulogy from a family member.
Alternatively, there may be no religious observance depending on the deceased views/wishes.
Crematorium funerals are usually quite quick - 20 minutes or so.
I hope that helps.

SoosanCarter · 10/04/2021 09:43

Don’t take anything. Get there before the family and coffin arrive. The crematorium staff will tell you where to wait.
At the end of the service, the family at the front leave first. They wait outside, usually with the minister, and everyone else says something nice to them on the way out.
“Beautiful service” etc etc. In normal times, if the family haven’t met you, tell them how you know the deceased.

Black is not essential unless the family have requested it. Navy or grey is fine. Make sure your phone is switched off!

Loveisthehope · 10/04/2021 09:46

Be early

RichardMarxisinnocent · 10/04/2021 09:58

At the end of the service, the family at the front leave first. They wait outside, usually with the minister, and everyone else says something nice to them on the way out.
“Beautiful service” etc etc. In normal times, if the family haven’t met you, tell them how you know the deceased.

I don't think this bit is happening at the moment due to to covid restrictions. It certainly didn't at my dad's funeral in December, we were told it wasn't permitted, and that we should leave the building and then try to remain in our households/bubbles. We didn't fully stick the this, I did end up having at least a brief conversation with most people there (who were all family). We did try to socially distance outside as best as we could.

As people are currently having to be invited to funerals I would assume that the family does know you as they will have invited you, but yes in normal times you'd let them know how you knew the deceased.

If charity donations have been requested there will probably be a collection bag or plate or box available as you leave the building.

missymoomoomoomoomoo · 10/04/2021 10:01

I had my Nans funeral last week. If they have requested donations then no flowers. You wait outside until the funeral directors ask you to take a seat. The seats at the front are for family. You aren't allowed to sing. I was allowed to wait by the flowers at the end and people came up and said a few words.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 10/04/2021 10:03

When you arrive the funeral directors will ask for your name. This always catches me because I forget they do it.

I suppose it’s so the family knows who came. But in covid times, I suppose you have to be invited. So be prepared for your name to be added to the list.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 10/04/2021 10:05

Also, to add, we were given full instructions /info on what to do, where to sit, how to leave etc by the funeral director and minister before and at the end of the service.

Please don't worry too much about etiquette or upsetting anyone by doing something wrong - I was just glad that people had come to my dad's funeral, I wouldn't have known or cared if they had somehow breached etiquette.

I am sorry for your loss.

GrumpyHoonMain · 10/04/2021 10:10

Some crematoriums do allow mourners to convene outside after the funeral provided you socially distance and wear masks. But if you aren’t closely related it’s best just to pay your respects and leave.

Whether or not you bring flowers depends on how close you are to the family. I personally would for close family even cousins. I wouldn’t bring a card - that’s for before the funeral

TSSDNCOP · 10/04/2021 11:02

Be early.
Switch your phone off.
It's not about you. You probably won't think that, but it's surprising how many people do.

denverRegina · 10/04/2021 11:09

"When you arrive the funeral directors will ask for your name."

Unfortunately I've been to a lot of funerals and nobody has ever asked my name! They'd be there all day at some of the funerals I've been to

denverRegina · 10/04/2021 11:09

Also a definite no to flowers and cards.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 10/04/2021 11:25

@denverRegina

"When you arrive the funeral directors will ask for your name."

Unfortunately I've been to a lot of funerals and nobody has ever asked my name! They'd be there all day at some of the funerals I've been to

I wonder if it’s an optional thing? Certainly a lot of funerals I’ve been to have had a list as you walk in. Church and crematoriums.

That’s why there’s frequently (pre covid) a queue to enter.

Original poster
butterry · 10/04/2021 11:27

Thank you so much everyone for your replies, very reassuring to be prepared with an idea of what will happen. Sorry for all your losses too.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 10/04/2021 11:31

You can send a sympathy card to her address or care of the funeral home

RichardMarxisinnocent · 10/04/2021 11:43

@GrumpyHoonMain

Some crematoriums do allow mourners to convene outside after the funeral provided you socially distance and wear masks. But if you aren’t closely related it’s best just to pay your respects and leave.

Whether or not you bring flowers depends on how close you are to the family. I personally would for close family even cousins. I wouldn’t bring a card - that’s for before the funeral

That's interesting what you say about flowers, I've only ever been to close family funerals and have never taken flowers. I have organised flowers for my dad's funeral, and sent flowers to a grandparent's funeral in advance via a florist /the funeral director. Taking them to the funeral seems too late as the funeral director won't be able to arrange them on top of or around the coffin in the hearse.
Rillington · 10/04/2021 12:56

I've never been asked my name at a funeral either before or during Covid and I have been to at least 50.

We always send a wreath to the funeral directors or if they specify no flowers then a donation.

peak2021 · 10/04/2021 13:10

Sorry to read of your loss OP, and I hope you have happy memories of the deceased.

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