Moving area and 7-year-old upset. Anyone been through the same? Feeling so guilty.

[Moveable78]

Our London flat is under offer and we’re going to move to a new area. We don’t know where yet (which doesn’t help!).

Our 7-year-old, who has been very up for this for the last year when we’ve been considering it, is now upset. I think because if feels real!

When I was a child, my family moved when I was 9 and I was devastated and - honestly - didn’t like where we went so I have an absolutely enormous amount of guilt and worry that it will be bad for him!

And 7-year-old told me that he thinks he won’t be able to make any new friends. And that he doesn’t like the idea of someone living in his home.

Has anyone moved with children of around this age? Did they adjust ok at school? Good and bad stories would help, so I can figure out how to make the move easy!

I’m so worried because it wasn’t a good move for me at age 9 and this particular DC (others are younger) is very sensitive and shy and does find making friends hard because of that.

Would it help to make some (able to be kept) promises - eg we're going to move to a house with a garden and we'll buy you a trampoline?

In the last month. A little bit easier for us as schools stayed the same but my child was more upset than I thought they would be. Things that helped

• letting them choose their own bedroom and / or decor (ahead of my older child!)
• explaining that while we were decluttering all the toys would come with us (this had provoked a lot of anxiety particularly as all the marketing for our old house had no toys in it ... I had to explain that was so the new tenant wouldn’t expect all the toys to stay in the house!)
• going to the new house and taking them to the new playgrounds literally every day for a week which they absolutely loved

I would say they were settled within a few days and it’s been absolutely fine.

Lean heavily on the positives of the new house - is it bigger / nearer a park / nicer garden / own room etc? They'll adjust really quickly once you're in, it's just a big change to get your head around. Also bear in mind that they've had no say in this so any opportunities to let them make decisions, e.g. colour of their room, what kind of bed to have etc, might soften the blow.

My parents moved house a LOT when I was young. Consequently I moved schools a lot. The only time it was really hard was in secondary - I did 2 years at I’ve school then moved and started at a different one. That was tough as everyone had known each other for years.

I’ve moved my DC once, and they’ve been amazing. I think moving boosts resilience.

I’d look into nice ways to celebrate and remember your old home. Don’t minimise your son’s feelings, but also do what’s best for you all longterm.

I would create a simple mood board with your child to make a wow type of bedroom (fairy lights maybe teepee tent type of thing if money and space allow)
Try not to talk about things in front of them too much. Deffo agree about new playgrounds and fun stuff nearby.

We had this last year with our 6 year old, initially eager, then as it got closer began to waiver. I think the pandemic and all the disruption and uncertainty made things feel worse.

We actually stayed in the local area so school stayed the same so can't help on that front, but we had weeks of tears and anxiety which was distressing.

It was the small things that upset DD that we couldn't have predicted, the wall stickers in her bedroom she couldn't take with her, the view of the moon from her bedroom window, the tiles in the kitchen (which were there when we moved in and hideous to us!) So perhaps don't under estimate those type of things are gosport.

But overall, whilst we listened and were empathic to her concerns and tried to address them, we were very clear from the start that it was okay for her to feel sad, but we couldn't change the decision to move, and we also didn't hide or apologise for the fact that DH and I were excited for the move.

We did stress all the fun stuff like being near a playground and one of her friends and giving her free rein to decorate her new bedroom later this year like others have suggested. Hard when we can't get to the shops yet to look at bedroom stuff though.

She settled in surprisingly easily, despite it being a smaller property and garden, which was what I was most worried about. She has got upset once or twice but rarely talks about the old house now.

These are all such good tips, thank you everyone! While we do know the area generally we’re moving to, we haven’t found an exact spot in it or a house - which means we haven’t put down on lists for school in September. I think that’s probably adding to it! All unknowns!

But I love the ideas you suggested of special things in the new house! I know he’d like a pet of some kind.

I am especially nervous about the new house and new school combination for him!

Take your child to view the new house (once you find it) and don't tell them if you are viewing properties without them.
My brother cried until he was sick when he and I were left with our grandparents for the day when our parents went 'to choose a new house'. He got it in his head that they were looking for a new house without us.

Teaching your child to navigate endings and acknowledge difficult feelings is hugely important and you have a great opportunity here. You can talk about what she will miss, what you will miss, how she wants to say goodbye to important people (card for teacher etc), make some theoretical plans about keeping in touch or a visit back next Easter say. All before you start to think about how to settle in at the new place (photos of the new school /Street, make it visual and real and build familiarity. A good ending is a real confidence builder, but you have to be confident about what's happening and open to your child processing that and not panic about the decision. None of us have crystal balls but we make life decisions with good intent.

scarby your poor brother! That’s so sad!

gowalkabout that’s such a good point and great advice.