What does your 11yr old do after school?

[Annoy]

I feel that my 11yr old (12 in Sept, so not yet in high school) is in a bit of a gaming rut of an evening, as in that’s all he seems to want to do. I allow it after homework, then pull him off it before dinner, he’s not allowed on it again for the rest of the evening. But then he just winds his sister up, watches telly or occasionally goes out for a run.

My DH is concerned that he has no variety during the week, but I am knackered from work, dh is knackered, and we get in too late for most after school clubs. My ds hates clubs or teams sports anyway. He tried guitar but wouldn’t stick at it.

Tbh I don’t see an issue with the lazy evenings.

On weekends we’re very outdoorsy, scrambling, mnt biking, climbing mostly so he’s active.

What is it like in your house after school?

Mine had dance 2 nights after school and piano another, the free nights she often goes out with friends straight from school or has them here (when allowed). At home she's usually dancing or singing with the music deafening the whole house or she might watch a bit of TV if the babies are upstairs or in bed. Then once its supposed to be lights out she can usually be found reading or drawing in her room until the early hours. Oh, and she usually announces when I try and send her up to bed that she has homework/ piano practice and buys herself another hour that way

@ShinyGreenElephant

Mine had dance 2 nights after school and piano another, the free nights she often goes out with friends straight from school or has them here (when allowed). At home she's usually dancing or singing with the music deafening the whole house or she might watch a bit of TV if the babies are upstairs or in bed. Then once its supposed to be lights out she can usually be found reading or drawing in her room until the early hours. Oh, and she usually announces when I try and send her up to bed that she has homework/ piano practice and buys herself another hour that way

Oh I’m looking forward to this stage with my dd 🤣

Swimming pretty much every evening if for any reason he isnt swimming then playing out with friends.

Thinking back to eldest

After school was choir, fencing and orchestra. Out of school was tap dancing (to improve coordination) another orchestra, sailing in summer, youth theatre. Swimming.

Youngest was ballet, tap, jazz dancing most evenings and at weekends. Swimming.

Ds (age 12) doesn’t really have time for gaming on school nights. He gets home about 5pm (has catch two buses), sometimes later if he has stayed for a club (twice a week usually). He has a snack and drink, quick bounce on the trampoline, then it’s homework.
We eat dinner at 7 then he chills out on the settee or finishes last bit of homework. We like him to be in bed reading by 8.30 - 9.

What does your son like doing (ie not "what does your husband think your son ought to be doing!")

Doing activities can be meaningful. But it can also be a mindless filling of time which is nothing to do with the child's real interests or developing personality and everything to do with a parents anxieties of various kinds - to feel like a good parent, to feel in control of how a child is turning out etc etc.

Sometimes it is the chilling which is the most meaningful and where the child has space to discover something about who they really are.

Why is an hour playing football or doing art necessarily more meaningful than an hour gaming? I find it strange that we rank activities in this way (although I did sometimes think like this too when mine were younger). I read a lot when I was a child, but it was mainly trash (Sweet Valley Twins, Famous Five) and I don’t think it’s made any difference to me as an adult, compared to dh who mainly did gaming!

It’s good to have a bit of variety and for kids to have the opportunity to try different things. But in my experience, left to their own devices they find their own way and try things they really want to do.

Ds (14) got really into piano in lockdown and now this is a big interest - but prior to that, being forced by us had the opposite effect! He’s also become interested in mixed martial arts, so he started ju jitsu pre covid and spends time working out and practising moves. When he was around 11 he got really into trampolining by watching YouTube videos and spent lots of time learning tricks and he still does some trampolining when the weather is nice.

Dd decided she enjoyed singing at about 14 and asked for lessons, which she’s been doing ever since. She then realised it would be good to be able to play alongside so we bought her a guitar and she’s teaching herself.

The hobbies and interests they choose for themselves are the ones that are meaningful to them. I also have no problem with gaming - it’s sociable, not at all passive (lots of thinking involved) and fun.

@Bumpsadaisie

What does your son like doing (ie not "what does your husband think your son ought to be doing!")

Doing activities can be meaningful. But it can also be a mindless filling of time which is nothing to do with the child's real interests or developing personality and everything to do with a parents anxieties of various kinds - to feel like a good parent, to feel in control of how a child is turning out etc etc.

Sometimes it is the chilling which is the most meaningful and where the child has space to discover something about who they really are.

I totally get this! But my DH can’t seem to see past the gaming!

@crazycrofter

Why is an hour playing football or doing art necessarily more meaningful than an hour gaming? I find it strange that we rank activities in this way (although I did sometimes think like this too when mine were younger). I read a lot when I was a child, but it was mainly trash (Sweet Valley Twins, Famous Five) and I don’t think it’s made any difference to me as an adult, compared to dh who mainly did gaming!

It’s good to have a bit of variety and for kids to have the opportunity to try different things. But in my experience, left to their own devices they find their own way and try things they really want to do.

Ds (14) got really into piano in lockdown and now this is a big interest - but prior to that, being forced by us had the opposite effect! He’s also become interested in mixed martial arts, so he started ju jitsu pre covid and spends time working out and practising moves. When he was around 11 he got really into trampolining by watching YouTube videos and spent lots of time learning tricks and he still does some trampolining when the weather is nice.

Dd decided she enjoyed singing at about 14 and asked for lessons, which she’s been doing ever since. She then realised it would be good to be able to play alongside so we bought her a guitar and she’s teaching herself.

The hobbies and interests they choose for themselves are the ones that are meaningful to them. I also have no problem with gaming - it’s sociable, not at all passive (lots of thinking involved) and fun.

This is a nice post, and gives me hope 😀

Swimming one night a week, dance one night a week but otherwise chilling out during the week. That can be reading, drawing, gaming or watching tv/YouTube.

Why is gaming less worthy? For us living rurally it's a good way to connect with friends.

In normal times ds1 who is 10 does athletics and cubs on one night and swimming on another. Its enough I think. He wants to give swimming class up now though so I might encourage something else in the summer.

The kids I know of similar age do Scouts, swimming club (but on a fairly serious level several times a week), badminton, play musical instruments, after school cookery club, and karate.
At the moment I think they're all spending much more time in PJs and plugged into devices though!

My two are on screens today, its cold and wet and I am feeling ill!

They have come down for lunch but have buzzed off back again to their rooms quickly as they are in the middle of building sth on Minecraft. I think its a good sign that they are involved in something and have got their own plans and lives, really.

Why should it be "less good" that it is Minecraft than if they were ... I don't know ... doing origami?

@Bumpsadaisie

My two are on screens today, its cold and wet and I am feeling ill!

They have come down for lunch but have buzzed off back again to their rooms quickly as they are in the middle of building sth on Minecraft. I think its a good sign that they are involved in something and have got their own plans and lives, really.

Why should it be "less good" that it is Minecraft than if they were ... I don't know ... doing origami?

I don’t know @Bumpsadaisie it’s just the way dh feels.

We’ve been out for a wet and windy 10km walk today in the hills so he’s playing on fortnite now. But I know when dh gets back from work he’ll want him off it

My DS is nearly 10 and loves Fortnite. He loves the team work, speaking to his friends etc, all the funny dances etc etc. He is friends with boys he knows of varying ages on there, and he keeps in touch with cousins on the other side of the world too through it.

He does do two sports on two evenings a week, which he chose as his friend (and principal companion on Fortnite!) does them too. He loves those and asks to go. Other than that when he gets home from school he has a snack and goes on screens or watches TV or messes around outside.

My eldest is 12 - Y7. She is up at 6.30am for school and back at 4.30. In ordinary times she does a school sports club at "interested participant" standard and then guides.

I don't police her screen time at all during the week - she does her homework carefully and then the rest of the time might be on screens or might not (she is v into drawing etc so often she uses you tube for ideas alongside drawing). She absolutely loves free time to potter around and do whatever the fancy takes her - usually drawing or making something cute out of paper or whatever.

She has always been very averse to parent led activity (DH was the same!) which surprised me as I was a child whose parents organised loads for them. I could potentially very much have been that kind of parent but then DD turned up and she wouldn't let me :-)

My DC are the same (8, 9 and 11). They do their homework, read and practise spellings then they’re free to go on games so they do until dinner time. After dinner they draw, read or we watch something together.

I don’t really fret over it anymore, they love gaming so as long as they don’t play too much I can’t see an issue.

Mine used to play in house or garden with friends, do some homework, chat, play music, watch TV, read, talk on phone, be on computer for a while, eat.

I think you just need to observe whether whatever they're doing (not necessarily gaming) is becoming detrimental to them - e.g. it might be that they're putting on weight due to lack of exercise, or they're distracted by said activity and don't take part in family life/you can't get their attention, or they're losing friendships, failing at school etc etc... As long as they're healthy, doing their schoolwork and are not 'obsessed' to an unhealthy degree (and I don't think it's just gaming people can become obsessed with), I wouldn't worry too much.

I would hate it if someone dictated what I did with my free time after I've finished work and cooking the tea, and took my phone off me when I was in the middle of reading something!