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Original poster

Controlling husband

21 replies

Jacobanddarcy1 · 05/04/2021 19:38

I have been with my husband for 24yrs years and he has worked for 13yrs years on and off. He is controlling, verbally, financially and sometimes physically abusive. I used to think it was my fault, still do in some ways. He is convinced I'm cheating on him. I made the decision to split up a yr ago, he is asking for £30.000 before he leaves, I feel trapped as I dont have that kind of money, any advice would appreciated, thanks.

OP posts:

HerMammy · 05/04/2021 19:39

You’ve to pay him to leave? Where does he suggest you acquire £30k?
Do you have marital assets? ie house, savings, pensions?

SelkieBoru · 05/04/2021 19:43

I would tell him you don't have 30k and put the house up for sale tomorrow. Use whatever you have for a good solicitor. If he gets violent, ring the police immediately.

You've put up with him for 24 years (heaven help you).

He is blackmailing you as you know. I bet he'd deny having received the 30k in a divorce settlement.

Original poster

Jacobanddarcy1 · 05/04/2021 20:12

He's told me to sell the house, but I'm reluctant as I wanted to sell it when the kids are old enough to help with a down payment for their mortgages.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 05/04/2021 20:13

I think escaping an abusive partner is more important than helping your kids with a house deposit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2021 20:15

30K to leave or 30K as a divorce settlement? Have you had legal advice?

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 05/04/2021 22:53

My adult children wouldn't want me to stay with someone controlling so that I could help them onto the property ladder.

Original poster

Jacobanddarcy1 · 06/04/2021 17:09

I understand that, my husband was the one who asked for the money before he would leave, when I said I didn't want to sell the house

OP posts:

Oldraver · 06/04/2021 17:17

If you are married then you may not have any choice but to split the proceeds of your house

gobbynorthernbird · 06/04/2021 17:42

How much equity is in the marital home?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 06/04/2021 17:46

I totally understand you don't want to sell, but you may not have a choice in the matter.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 17:46

Have you retained a solicitor?

Insomnia5 · 06/04/2021 17:51

You may have to accept the fact that you’ll need to sell and split the assets. Have you seen a solicitor?

DinosaurDiana · 06/04/2021 17:53

Get a solicitor NOW. Do not agree with anything to him.
Do you have your own account ? If not, open one online.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/04/2021 18:06

@Jacobanddarcy1

I understand that, my husband was the one who asked for the money before he would leave, when I said I didn't want to sell the house

You don't just hand over cash to make someone move.

Get legal advice!

Elieza · 06/04/2021 19:37

You defo need legal advice. It could be that you come out of this financially better then you think

Don’t worry about kids mortgages just now. Who knows what the world will be like by then. You may want to downsize to a flat or may have married someone else and be in his mansion and your whole house can be sold!

Don’t think of stuff that may never need to be thought of. Do this for you. Now. With legal advice.

Embracelife · 06/04/2021 19:38

See a lawyer
Get proper legal aDvice

Newestname001 · 07/04/2021 04:52

@Embracelife

See a lawyer Get proper legal aDvice

Absolutely THIS ^^ @Jacobanddarcy1.

Please do not make any promises to your abusive STBXH which you may end up regretting, both in your own behalf and your children's.

Giving him that £30K pre-divorce settlement confirmation, even if you had it, would be such a bad idea and would put you, financially, in a poor position.

Your next step, as other PP's have said, is to get a divorce/family law solicitor. If you can, get recommendations from others you trust or check "Find a solicitor" on the Law Society website.

Time to worry about your children's mortgage deposits further down the line. The best thing to do now - for you and your children - is to get out of the situation you are in now. 🌹

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/04/2021 05:25

Don’t give a manipulative abuser 30k!!!!!! See a solicitor !

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/04/2021 05:36

So you are refusing to sell the house but you want him to walk away with nothing except the shirt on his back whilst you stay in the marital home?

I don't think it works like that.

Regardless of who is right or wrong or whether he is a shit person or not, he is entitled to a fair share of the marital assets.

I think you need to be realistic here.

Original poster

Jacobanddarcy1 · 07/04/2021 08:04

Thanks for the advice I will try a divorce lawyer

OP posts:

Original poster

Jacobanddarcy1 · 07/04/2021 08:14

I'm not refusing to give him any money, I understand he is completely entitled to a fair share, I wouldn't leave him with nothing. I've been the one consistently working throughout, I get a higher wage, and am expected to pay all the bills, anything the children need, holidays, furniture etc. I guess what I'm saying is I've worked extremely hard to ensure the kids don't struggle like I have in later life.

OP posts:

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