Live in Carers for elderly parents

[MrsLorimerlives]

I am a member of that much written about sandwich generation - my daughter is 11, I work full time, have 15 years left on the mortgage and my parents are 74 & 85 and need full time care.

They do have sufficient savings to have someone come and live with them - my dad has dementia, my mum has mobility issues, so someone is needed all the time these days. Its such a lottery and I'm really struggling, we are with an agency and there is a rotation of 3 ladies who do 2 weeks on in turn.

Can anyone help me reconcile myself to someone reorganising their house & treating them like gaga old people (my dad is still in there mentally, the vascular dementia is taking away his ability to articulate himself and move easily but he is all too aware of his situation, my mum is just immobile). We cant find anyone who actually drives so I regularly have to run them all around as there are no busses as they are in a lovely rural spot leaving me to work till late or not spend time with my daughter as I have to catch up at the weekend.
Its not an option to sell their house and move them - its all tied up in a god-awful family trust that also has to support my brother who is disabled.
Its not an option for me to give up work and care for them - DH is skirting on the edge of Covid related bankruptcy so I'm paying all the bills for the foreseeable.
Honestly, this isn't a pity party, can anyone point me in the direction of a great agency, or give me some hope that I might be able to recruit someone great who might be kinder and more able to let them live out this stage of their lives in their home with dignity which was the plan?

Have you tried Country Cousins?

They are the only agency I am aware of in that an elderly member of DH's family had someone living in. (That was on rotation, too, so might be the agency you are already using, but the carers here all drove. Mostly really lovely people, I only got an odd, slightly cold vibe off one of them). Not sure whether you can specify a driver, though.

Think country cousins looked after my grandad (nearly 20yrs ago) - he was well cared for generally. Helping Hands looked after my granny (more recently). Wouldn’t use them again I don’t think. I think, with the benefit of hindsight, I’d think harder than I did about taking time out of work, moving in, and being the paid carer.

Whatever you decide I would keep a very close eye on things - make the odd unscheduled visit, occasionally check the carer’s room(s) etc - I trusted ours to behave like grown ups but after my granny died I found that they’d wrecked their bedroom and bathroom.

Although the agencies have strict rules about carers receiving gifts/money, in reality I’m not sure that’s well policed and you need to keep a close eye on finances.

It gets incredibly expensive and that’s worth considering. Fortunately my granny was financially ok, but she survived years longer than we’d initially thought she might based on her diagnosis and it was a bit stressful thinking about what might happen if the money ran out.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit gloomy. Most of our carers were lovely and kind, but they don’t get paid very much (even though the agencies charge a fortune) and it’s work that attracts a mixed bag of people.

Can I ask what specifically makes you think that they need 24hr care? Dementia and mobility issues don't automatically mean 24hr care.

Can your mother get herself to and from the bathroom independently ect?
Is your father an absconding risk?

Could they manage with 4x daily visits from carers. That's a more standard type of package which would make finding and keeping carers easier.