Dealing with controlling ex, co-parenting

[Bluecandlewick]

I need some sane advice please MN.
My ex and I have been split since DC was very young, for some reason I thought my ex deserved as much time with DC as possible, so we agreed on 50/50 split. We were very amicable for the first few years and it worked well (split is one week with me, one with ex)

He ended up with his affair partner and things started getting difficult. 5 years on, it's almost impossible.

They control me-- they have separate parents evenings, she is a huge voice in the school (has children now above and below my DC in the school) all the teachers know her, they've taken my DC abroad & I've bent over backwards to give them extra time for holidays etc, but when I've asked for anything they've told me not possible.

They keep changing the goal posts, we have handover at a set time, and I've now been told it won't be at the expected time, but later, meaning the plans I have are ruined. I've told him I shall be coming at the normal time, now ex is ignoring me.

I cant keep living like this. Its caused a huge argument between my DP & I. Ruined our plans together, im so sick of being treated badly, all because I let my ex have rights - dp is angry at me for letting them walk all over me and I'm the mother so I'm the one with rights, apparently.

This has never been through a court - please can anyone give me advice? I have no parents to turn to and no friends can advise anything about the position I am in. I've been living like this for years and I'm exhausted. I can't have anymore children, and I'm missing out on so much already, this is just making my life so miserable.

I just want to get DC back and tell ex that he won't be seeing him again until he can treat me with some kind of respect, co-parenting like this really is not working at all... but I can't just do that can I?! Im starting to think irrationally, that I can just get my DC back and tell my ex he needs to see me in court if he wants access..
But then there's school, and disruption to DC and a whole battle started.

Apologies if this is in the wrong place! If there's another board best suited to this please point me to it.

Is there any chance you and him can talk privately about this.
If not then maybe you should think about seeing a solicitor/ one that practices in Family law.
And apply for a court order to set out some rules.They will help with form filling out and tell you what to expect.
And when you go to court it’s not actually IN court just a room with ‘officials’ and you and partners.
I would be concerned he’s heading towards full custody of the children.
Keep a log of EVERY communication you have with him.It will help to show how unreasonable and awkward he is being.

I've tried to talk to him 1 on 1, in the very few instances I actually get to see him (his P does most of the collections etc now), I've even got upset in front of him and reminded him why this was our set up of choice to begin with, he pretty much shifted the blame to his partner "You know she won't allow me... XYZ"
Since then we haven't been able to talk 1 on 1, before we was officially with her, we used to meet up 1 to 1 to discuss our son, this hasn't happened for years not. Ditto phones calls.

It's really not working. There is no getting through to him on a personal level. Even through messages, now he's is just not replying to anything and I'm spending the weekend wondering what will happen at collection time.

Unfortunately last year I managed to delete 5 years+ of messages! Kicking myself as there was some great messages for showing how reasonable/unreasonable he has been.

Now I only have about 6 months of message which the majority has not been too bad (whilst homeschooling, lockdowns etc)

If I apply to courts, does it cost money? I don't have much (unemployed due to covid)
I would like to end 50/50 because having this over me is absolutely killing my mental health, but after 5+ years of 50/50 split I cant see it even being changed.

Plus I want the best for my DC, and not to confused them. This is why I keep bending over and letting ex call the shots, i don't want to rock the boat for my DC.

I feel so helpless and utterly worn down.

Anyone? I'm really struggling.

Bluecandlewick

Sorry to hear you're in such a difficult situation. I too would advise speaking to a solicitor and possibly going to court.

Re the cost, I am not sure if you might be entitled to legal aid. I am not sure what the rules are where you live but a solicitor should know. Speak to someone who specialises in family law.

I suspect if you retained your child your ex and his partner would be quick to try to take you to court. They sound quite pushy. That would have you on the 'back foot' a bit I think as they would portray you as being unreasonable in withholding your DCs contact with their Dad.

A court order (initiated by you) even if it ended up as a 50/50 arrangement) could define handovers and holiday arrangements so may make life easier for you. For example you could each have set dates each year within which you could book holidays and a set handover time and place each week.

Also there may be valid reasons 50/50 should be changed. It's not working for you and causing you stress (although defining arrangements may improve that). The Court will want to look at how it is for your DC. For example, how is your DC with the current arrangement? How is DC's relationship with you/them? Who are they most comfortable with? What arrangement would be best for them? The Court will always look at what is in the best interests of the child when making any decision.

I hope your ex and his partner are not trying to undermine your relationship with your DC. That can happen and would be a major red flag to a court that something is amiss and your ex and his partner are not prioritising your DCs needs.

Even if the court decided to maintain a 50/50 arrangement I think defining the arrangements would help you not be 'pushed around' anymore.

I hope that helps a little.

I think sadly seeing a solicitor for advice and a formal arrangement is the best way forward.

It seems to be some form of revenge or nastiness from your ex or maybe the woman he is with now, not I think targeted at your DC at all.

I've read that a Child Arrangement Order costs £210 and you need a mediation session too.

Say you end up with a 50/50 order. If they try and much you about changing collection times etc will you be able to stand up to them? If he gives you the emotional blackmail, will you be able to say "No. Thursday is my day so you can't see them" There's a long history of being controlling so they will try and keep that going and it will cost money, time and effort to prove that you mean it after 5 years of this.

How old are the kids? Do you think they'd chose to keep 50/50?

Solicitors used to give a free hour, not sure if that still happens now.
Mediation would just be you and him, and I think this is a requirement. But It does sound like his new partner is calling the shots and he’s going along with it to keep the peace his end. It seems like they’re trying to wear you down.And that’s not good for the children or you.
The children will be spoken to about the situation aswell, these people know how to speak to kiddies and will know what to look out for.