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What to do about friend

4 replies

frenchdoorsopen · 02/04/2021 17:04

I have a friend who I've known for over 20 years, we aren't best friends but been pretty close over the years. It's been one of those friendships that has kind of ebbed and flowed depending on what's going on with our lives.

About 5 or 6 years ago, after breaking up with a pretty awful boyfriend, she met a guy. Seems a nice chap, I've met him a few times. Fairly early on in the rship, they had the conversation about the future and he said he didn't want to get married or have kids. Fair enough, his choice, and he's never changed his mind about either.

My friend however very much does want both marriage and kids. She thought that he was such a good guy and they were such a good match he would come around to it eventually. She moved in with him and seem to have a fairly normal rship at least from what she's said. He's not abusive or anything like that, fairly laid back, pulls his weight at home, up for doing things etc.

That's the backstory because gradually over the past few years she has turned into a bit of a drama queen about how he won't marry her and how her womb is ticking away (she's nearly 40). It got worse and worse, to the point where she just didn't care about anything going on in my life and just wanted to badmouth him. Even though she has made the decision to stay, he isn't misleading her, she just thinks he will eventually change his mind. I was sympathetic to start but quite frankly it all got too much.

I've gradually pulled away contact recently as I've been really busy and my dad has been fairly ill. She knows my dad was ill (yes, covid related) and has asked after him, so she's not completely self absorbed or anything like that.

She now wants to meet up for coffee but I really don't want to as I don't want it to end up in yet another rant about her boyfriend. I feel bad as we've been friends for such a long time, but I can't do anything about her decisions. We don't have any mutual friends I can ask either.

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
Cipot · 02/04/2021 22:04

I never understand why people dont just say something. Ok but please can we not talk about your dp as it drives me a bit mad. Problem solved. No need to ghost or distance or whatever else.

Thatwentbadly · 02/04/2021 22:27

Maybe as a one off have an honest conversation and ask her what does she plan to do? Stay with the man and resent him or stay with him and get counselling or do whatever she needs to deal with it or move onto to someone else.

Then after that when ever she bring it up well you know my position on it is you need to make a decision about what to do and then quickly change the subject.

HollowTalk · 02/04/2021 22:28

You have to say, "He told you that right from the first day."

Presumably he's a similar age - if he was in his 30s when he said that, it was very unlikely he'd change his mind. If she wants a family she needs to get out now and do something about it.

Ingridla · 02/04/2021 22:48

You could end up being the friendly shock she needs to face up to her decision.

By that I mean if she starts ranting about her dp take a deep breath and just say it straight - 'you knew this was how he felt so why are you now cross and acting surprised it's the situation you're in'

If it doesn't shock and make her think I'd just tell her you're fed up with hearing her moan about it. I don't think there's much wrong with that on your part.

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