Difficulty making friends

[Notsandwiches]

I have always had difficulty in making and then keeping friends. It appears my daughter has the same challenge. Having the same problem myself, I don't know why or how to help her. Can those of you who are good in this department shed any light on what makes you decide that someone isn't someone you want as a friend. What puts you off?

I think that whenever people ask on MN about how you make friends, it strikes me as a bit of a strange concept.

I've always been friendly to people wherever I go.
So, when I was at school, college, work. Hobbies, as a parent taking my dc to things, etc etc,
Then I look back over time, and realise that A or B or C have become a really good friend over time.
However, it has never been a conscious decision to "become friends" with people. Equally I don't remember deciding that I "don't want to be friendly with" anyone.

Obviously, you tend to prefer the company of people that:

• like doing the same things as you,
• people that have the same sort of moral code as you
• people that have the same sense of humour as you
• people who have same sort of political outlook as you (not party political, but more general beliefs and aims).

Therefore you put some distance between people that you disagree with on really big fundamental things - like if someone is racist and you aren't, but also in terms of someone who is into binge drinking and going clubbing if you are a cup of tea and early to bed person. If you are a person who likes to spend the weekends wandering round the shops, you are more likely to spend time with someone who does that than if you are the sort of person who likes to spend the weekend rock climbing, or whatever. Doesn't mean either person is 'nicer' or 'a better friend' but it just means you aren't compatible.

I find people that always agree and can’t have their own opinion annoying. I don’t like people pleasers.

If someone starts bad mouthing another person in an attempt to be matey I also don’t like it.

I actually don’t mind some mild differences of opinion but similar values are needed.

My own morale code is quite strong, I refuse to speak to one of my sisters because she has been having an affair for years.

I despise flashiness with money.

In my experience you start talking together and if you enjoy it and have a 'spark' it deepens into a friendship.

Friendship is a form of attraction.

I always get alarm bells in my head if someone seems eager to be firm friends straight away. Solid friendship take time.

How old is your daughter? I think with young children then friendship can be nurtured by parents and I would try to cultivate friendships with other parents yourself. Like PP have said it’s finding common ground, and not taking it too far at first, letting it develop organically from a playground chat to a coffee to a night out, or not if you don’t have so much in common but you can still have the playground chat!

Could you invite another nice kid (with a nice mum/dad) for a play date and then just chat to the parent a little when you drop them off home after? Could you tell us a little bit more about your struggles and how your daughter has struggled?

I’m always open to friendship, common ground can be found with people of different ages, life stages, cultures, beliefs, language etc. Being friendly and open to the idea of friendship is a great start.

Sounds like you both have Aspergers.

I had to tell my DS when he was in Yr 7 to just go up to a group of kids from his class at lunchtimes and just either sit with them and start chatting or state that he was going to sit with them but not to ask them if he could (in case a smart arse said no). He did this and it worked for him.

People don’t make friends for lots of reasons, ASD being one of them. Presents differently in females

Try asking questions of people and showing an interest. Really listening to them

How old is your daughter?

Lots of books on how to build friendships if you look.

How old is your daughter OP?

My youngest DD really struggles with friendship at primary school. She was assessed for ASD but the doctors decided she had some traits but not enough to diagnose.

She has really blossomed at secondary school as she has found more girls who like the things she likes.

I have often seen this with kids that when they go to secondary school they find like minded friends as there are just more people to meet.

Primary school can be a bit cliquey I think with both parents and kids.

I also think that TV and media hypes up this sex and the city idea of friendship and it’s not like this in the real world.

I think ultimately you need to find your tribe. It's very difficult to forge friendships with people who aren't a good fit.

Other than that how are your social skills?

She's 12. She is vert friendly, bouncy, enthusiastic and so it's not so much an issue of meeting potential friends as keeping them. She has started telling herself, and me, that she's not sociable but I don't think she's being honest with herself.

I struggle with this.
My advice is to go to a club ( whether adult or child) where you at least have a mutual interest and discussion points to start off connection.

Is there a familiar pattern to the making but not keeping friends? Does she lose interest? Do they seem to lose interest?

I also think people have different expectations about "keeping friends" too.

Is your dd "falling out with" the friends she makes, or is she perceiving that she has 'lost' a friend, because they might do other things without her sometimes ?
I've rea lots of threads on MN over the years where people get all offended or even angry because they saw on social media that Friend A and Friend B went somewhere together without them and it's just not the way my mind thinks. I'd think "Oh, that looks a nice place I might try that soon" or "Looks like the had a great night. How nice". I don't expect anyone to invite me to everything they do as I expect people to have all sorts of different combinations of friends that they spend time with in different ways and at different times.
It wouldn't cross my mind that I'd "lost" friend A or Friend B, because they happened to do something without me one day, which is something that I've seen posted on here more than once.

I've got some really good friends that I can go a couple of years without seeing in person.

I can make acquaintances but struggle to move them to the friendship or close friendship stage.
I have also lost some closer friendship over the last few years.

One thing I’ve reflected on is that I can often be negative and that maybe people got fed up of me always moaning or being negative when I saw then (not being too hard on myself because I did have PND). Noticed now I’ve made and effort to be more positive people respond better. I also have been bad as focusing on myself in conversations, not because I’m awful I eased but because I am not always sure what to say to get others talking. I’ve noticed that people I am responsive to always seem to ask about me or what I’ve been up to and remember what we’ve been talking about .

There are techniques you can learn to cultivate friendships. Often it's just a case of brushing up on them. People like to think you respect them, value them and care about them. If you can show that it tends to be attractive to people. If you're anxious or lack confidence, you can struggle to show it.