11 yo stole sweets from shop - help me with what's next...!

[MinecraftMother]

We're having trouble with our 11 yo. He's becoming defiant and him and his dad are clashing so much.

He's obsessed with sweets. Obsessed with sweet drinks.

After another fight with his younger brother, he lost his Go Henry card and so after school today stole a packet of Millions from the local One Stop.

He goes to a smallish provincial school in a small town, and reputations there are easy to come by.

He doesn't care when he loses his tech, apparently, doesn't care about his phone being gone, or card.

How on earth do I manage this child? I feel totally out of my depth, and so am appealing to mothers who have been there...help!

Ime you take him and the sweets back to the shop... He needs to fess up and pay for the sweets. Every time he eats Millions now he will remember...

Take him to Supermarket with his pocket money to buy donations for the food bank. Might give him some appreciation of what he has.

Hello, I'm a mum who's been there! My DS is 19 now but he was caught stealing chewing gum from the local shop when he was 11. How did your son react when he was caught? Mine was scared witless as he was taken out the back and held there while they called me. He was then spoken to by the store manager and security guard who told him he was very lucky they didn't call the Police. I didn't punish him, but we talked about what happened and we very sorry for what had happened. The consequence was he was banned from the local shop.

11 is a tricky age as they start testing the boundaries. It's also a time they have a bit more freedom; mobile phone, being allowed to meet up with friends, etc. Quite a few of my son's friends started to go off the rails. I think it's important to try and build a good relationship with him, talk to him and show an interest in the things he's interested in and try not to always be on his case. Make sure to set boundaries and be really consistent with him. Good luck!

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad absolutely this.

Once I had money go missing. Ds denied it. I took his school photo to the shop and asked the assistant if he had been in prob looked a right loon !! He had and was suitably punished...
He quickly cottoned on I was taking no shit!

Thanks all.

He wasn't caught by the shop. His buddy saw him and told his mum, she called me.

I wonder if I should take him back to the shop?

How shall I punish him?

What's happened to my lovely boy?!

Yes you should take him to the shop. He needs to pay for what he took, to explain what he did and to apologise to the person working in the shop.
That'll be punishment enough.

Take him to the shop and tell him he has to apologise and pay for the sweets. Hopefully the embarrassment will be a good enough deterrent.

What are you and your husband doing at the moment to address his behaviour.

I agree with taking him back to the shop to pay for the sweets that he took.

I do wonder what is behind it all. Will he talk to you and have a conversation about how things are at school, if there age things he is getting angry or frustrated about? If he doesn’t talk will be do anything with you and your husband for quality time when you can connect with him, even if it is computer games or something?

He’s on the cusp of being a teenager isn’t he. Wanting freedom and all that. I don’t think any child/parent gets through that age without some chaotic moments.

Have you heard of therapeutic parenting?

www.naotp.com/

I wouldn't necessarily take him back to the shop.

We all hope everyone is on the same page with 'it takes a village'; but you could get either of the following response: a so-what? -shrug, completely destroying the message; to 'call the police'.

I wonder if I should take him back to the shop?
Why are you wondering? Of course you take him back to the shop!

What are the actual chances of meeting either of those responses, Miljea?

I would take him back to the shop, make him apologise and pay back the shopkeeper, and then make him pay me ‘compensation’ through pocket money. DN and I use compensation and interest - when I give her pocket money I give her a bit of interest on top provided she saves. Similarly if she does something like this she pays me compensation - it doesn’t have to be monetary. She’s currently doing all post-dinner washing up for 2 months because she lied to me.

@Easterbunnyishoppingmad

Ime you take him and the sweets back to the shop... He needs to fess up and pay for the sweets. Every time he eats Millions now he will remember...

That's what I'd do.

Take him back to the shop make him pay and apologise.

And take the bar off him.

Yes, I think taking him back to the shop and asking him to apologise works. Give the shop keeper your contact details in front of your son and state the shop keeper can call you if your son comes back and does this again. This way, your son is fairly embarrassed, ashamed and know he can’t do it again as the shop keeper will be looking out for him

If possible call the shop before you take him in and ask who best to speak to when you get there.
As a shop owner, whilst I hate shoplifters, I also hate it when parents say ‘if you do that the lady will tell you off’ putting me on the spot!
Having warning that you are bringing him in to apologise will give them a chance to think about what they would like to say to him

Yes I'll defo call them, I wouldn't spring that on them.

Hopefully they'll be open tomorrow and the two of us can head down there.

I can't believe he stole so easily. He didn't have any money and wanted the sweets so just took them. Cheeky fucker!

Thanks all x

I also hate it when parents say ‘if you do that the lady will tell you off’ putting me on the spot!

I took my child back to the shop when they stole something minor, not because I wanted anyone to tell them off but because they needed to return the item and apologise. I’m very able to tell my own child off if needed. The child concerned was impacted more by the shop keeper being kind to her and thanking her for bringing the item back than any telling off.

Natural consequences, if you steal you need to go back and either return the item or pay for it.

My now 16 y/o reluctantly told me he'd been banned from local shop at 11. I'd asked him to go pick up a tin of tomatoes and he told me he'd been wrongly accused of stealing and banned. I wasn't having this. I marched him round to clear his name. The very lovely man told me he'd been observed and then found to have cans of coke in his bag when trying to leave. The dressing down I gave him outside that shop is now ingrained in his memory. As is having to hand write a note of apology. I don't imagine he'll ever do it again. Never underestimate the power of a public humiliation when they've knowingly and willing done something very wrong

I'd march him back to the shop and make him pay and apologise. If you really want to show him the consequences of his actions I'd speak to the shop privately beforehand and ask them to ban him for a year or something.

Its less than what would happen if they caught him in the act and he is above the age of criminal responsibility so I'd be looking to teach him a lesson about adult consequences.

My DS is 19 now but he was caught stealing chewing gum from the local shop when he was 11

Been there, done that. That awful juicy fruit that I used to love. Mum would not buy me any so I nicked some. She found out because I had sat on the loo eating it and the wrapper was in the bin. Despite me doing that she let me go to my friend's house. Whilst I was there I saw the police come to my door. To say I was petrified was an understatement....

Turned out something had come off my dad's scooter and they were returning it!

I never stole again....

Sorry, that sounded flippant, wasn't meant to be , just showing that I did not go on to steal again.

Some of the advice re taking him back to shop and his pocket money going toward food bank items is good.