At what age do you stop housing older kids?

[MangosteenSoda]

Prompted by my cousin’s situation. Her 2 children are 20 and just about to turn 18. She’s been single for about four years and the children live with her.

It’s been a struggle to pay rent since the benefit/support for the eldest stopped and this will soon get worse when child support stops for the youngest. Obviously, she still wants to provide a roof over their heads!

The dad lives with new gf and afaik, neither of his children sleep over. He’s been a bit of a shit financially, getting my cousin to counter sign loans for his business then defaulting and leaving her in a difficult financial situation upon the breakup which she’s still recovering from.

Tbh, I think she needs to rent a cheaper/smaller property, but she won’t consider losing a bedroom because she can’t imagine not housing the children if they need it. The eldest recently finished a college course and is starting a full time job soon and does pay some keep.

I wondered what others do in this situation. I only have one DC who is disabled and expect to house him for ever so I can’t really imagine what it’s like to have to make that decision.

I’m also a single parent and actually stayed with my parents for a year at age 39 when I was renovating my house and will be forever thankful for that. I suppose, as a parent, you always want to be able to house your children.

Well I suppose the children get jobs and pay towards the rent/bills. If they move out and she can’t afford it on her own she either ups her earning power or downgrades her house to a cheaper one she can afford.
Not really a lot of other options!

There will always be room in my house for my DDs if they need it, I can't imagine ever turning them away. Obv I want them to be independent (and they are, 1 at uni, 1 working), but if needed they can return home when they've left.

If she can't afford to keep them for free then she can't. In MN land this is tantamount to child abuse but on Planet Reality you can't magic up money.

It’s pretty obvious that in these circumstances you need to charge rent to adult DC. They need to contribute financially. They’d be paying way more if renting privately.

If they leave home and you can’t afford to pay for 3 bedrooms but only need one, then the answer is pretty clear!

So it's a 3 bed house?

Are the DC different sexes?

Yeah, different sexes. And both have long term boyfriend/girlfriend, so after Covid I guess they will split time between houses. In a way, that might make it easier to ‘offload’ one of them, but also tricky to ask your child to move in with their boyfriend’s parents.

Tbh, don’t really know why I started this thread because other than quite general advice and kindness, there’s not much I can do. It just struck me as a horrible situation to be in, one that goes directly against parental instincts. It also annoys me that, even with much older children, it’s the woman who’s left in the difficult situation and the man who gets a new start. I know it’s not always like that, but I’d guess at more often than not.

My friend with 4 kids is on benefits and has been for many years. Now the youngest has finished his education she has been told they will only pay for a one bedroom flat max, she's had to move into a shitty bedsit.

The dad lives with new gf and afaik, neither of his children sleep over. He’s been a bit of a shit financially, getting my cousin to counter sign loans for his business then defaulting and leaving her in a difficult financial situation upon the breakup which she’s still recovering from

My DC are 18 and 21 at University so both live at home . We maintain them , they have their University Fees /Loan .

The HUGE elephant in the room isn't the adult DC , it's the money her Ex has skimmed off her by getting her to countersign loans which he's defaulted !

@70isaLimitNotaTarget Yes, you’re right. Though tbh I don’t know if defaulted was the right description. They were together for years but never married. I think all of the assets were in his name and all of the liabilities were split
Then he went something related to bankruptcy which also affected my cousin. Anyway, the outcome for her has been harder than the outcome for him.

I guess it’s one of those situations that won’t be easily/happily solved. She must be under a lot of stress and the more I learn about it the angrier I become

@Shehasadiamondinthesky That’s really sad. I hope your friend gets a lucky break soon!

I have 5 dc. The eldest 32 finally left home 8 years ago but there was a bit of boomeranging before she finally got settled.
DS 20 lives at home and his long term girl friend also lives here. DD 18 is still at home. All three are at college but also have jobs. My dh and I are very lucky that we don't actually need rent from them but all three pay towards food and bills because they need to learn responsibility.
We have two younger dc age 15 and 13.
There will always be a home here for them until they choose to leave.
If I'm honest I absolutely love having them all around. There's so much laughter.
That's not to say I didn't do a little jig last Tuesday when I realised I was alone in the house for the first time in a year.
Op I think your cousin needs to charge rent. They are adults and should be responsible for their upkeep.

Mine will always have a home with us if they need it but it won’t make any difference to us whether children or adults as we alone support them.