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Original poster

How to handle this situation

18 replies

littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 10:29

I think I already know, but I'm interested in crowd sourcing thoughts / ideas.

My ex and I have finally reached a divorce settlement after about 1.5 years. He has DD4 every other weekend and alternating Sunday nights (he is too important to look after a child during the work week).

His birthday is coming up soon and it is during the week (so he won't be celebrating on the actual day).

He has arranged with his friends to celebrate his birthday on a weekend almost 2 weeks before the actual birthday. This also is a weekend when he has DD. He wants me to shift her weekends around to accommodate his plans.

What would YOU do?

OP posts:
Arbadacarba · 28/03/2021 10:31

Will it inconvenience you to change the weekend?

Iloveacurry · 28/03/2021 10:34

Would he do the same for you?

Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 10:35

He might do the same for me, but I feel it would come with a price.

He wants to switch to a weekend where DD and I have plans.

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KingstonTownThePlaceILongToBe · 28/03/2021 10:39

I wouldn't switch to a weekend that I had plans so I would probably say he has to forfeit that weekend or make up for it another day, maybe during the week, so as not to change the weekend schedule.

Hermanfromguesswho · 28/03/2021 10:44

I’d explain that you have plans that particular weekend but offer to exchange it for a different weekend instead (and this is what I actually do)

Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 10:59

My big fear is that he won't respect the schedule ever - like why would he have said he was free when he has a commitment to see his child? This makes me think I should be totally rigid about the schedule.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/03/2021 11:02

I wouldn't be totally rigid incase it ever suits you to not be. But don't change your plans.
You have her odd weeks say, he has evens. You have plans week 3, he doesn't want her 4, swap 4 and 5 not 3 and 4. That's the offer.

DDiva · 28/03/2021 11:08

I wouldn't rule out being flexible but no I wouldn't change if we already had plans.

The biggest point is it's his weekend so surely he needs to arrange her care before making alternative plans.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 11:13

@DDiva he has form for being totally selfish and expecting the world to revolve around him.

OP posts:
crashbandicootwarped · 28/03/2021 11:22

Kings do and Herman have given you the best answer.
If you are ridged it may bit you on the bum when you need the flexibility.
You can be flexible without being a walk over.

I'd be tempted to say it's not my business how you arrange childcare on your weekend ex. I will swap if you have exhausted your other options but only to a weekend that suits me.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 11:33

Thanks all. I have told him that we can trade to an alternative weekend when DD and I don't have plans

OP posts:
Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 23:03

Now we have exchanged several emails as he angles to get exactly his wayConfused. He won't accept that this won't work as we have plans and he is needling at me to change the plans to accommodate him. I suggested that he have her on another weekend, and he said he will have birthday plans then too.

A reminder of why I need to be a total hardass!

OP posts:
expectopelargonium · 28/03/2021 23:07

He needs to learn that he has to sort out childcare before he makes plans then, doesn't he?

Starting now.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 23:11

Yeah, I'm standing firm. I will be flexible but I'm not going to change plans I've already made.

In our marriage, he always refused to plan ahead and it drove me absolutely crazy. he will now find that I plan ahead and I won't be messed around like I was then.

It feels like training a toddler to understand rules and boundaries

OP posts:
MahMahMahMahCorona · 28/03/2021 23:16

I've had so much experience of my DM doing this (changing goalposts when we reach the point of compromise) that when
my XH started doing the same I didn't recognise the behaviour for what it is.

How about saying "ok well if we can't agree on switching out the weekend, why don't you collect her from school on your birthday, and take her out for birthday tea? She would love that and can bring your card and present with her to school. Drop her back around 7pm?"

Sometimes you just have to kill them with kindness to enable them to learn how it's done - and I agree, it's like teaching a toddler.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 23:26

@MahMahMahMahCorona that's a good idea. I might try it, but he's angling to have her as many nights as he can get away with as his longer term goal is to have DD enough nights to lower his CMS payment - so seeing her on his birthday and not overnight would just be a nuisance for him. Problem for him is that he wants to have her more than 2 nights a week on average but also see her at his convenience Hmm

OP posts:
Bipitybopityboop · 28/03/2021 23:41

Set the standard now.
Of course he can reschedule, but on your terms.

If you put him in the driving seat now then he will always try and be the one in control.

Also you want to retain some goodwill so be very polite about it and offer a short list of alternative dates.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 28/03/2021 23:45

This is so helpful.

He's having a big strop but I have remained polite but firm about my boundaries while being clear that we can reschedule his time for a day when I don't already have plans with DD.

It's so hard when he's such a c*nt Grin

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