To push the self destruct button or not? Is it just lockdown?

[UtterlyLost]

I’m really not sure if my mental health is nearly pushing me to press the self destruct button, and that lockdown has finally broken me.. or if I genuinely need to press it?

Nice life, financially comfortable, just bought a house, supportive dp, have one lovely dc and was ttc for another until this all hit me.

It started off with just feelings of, is this it? I started thinking about ex’s from my past, what life would of been like if I’d stayed with them, not bailed on them. Ex’s that I hadn’t thought about in years, and was suddenly thinking about and having this sinking feeling in my stomach that I shouldn’t of ended things with them.

Then it became questioning dp. Whether I’ve settled. Whether this is enough. Missing the flirtatiousness with ex’s that dp and me don’t have anymore. We still have a good sex life, just not that flirty early days feeling I think I’m longing for.

Questioning whether I should of had my DC. Led me to stop ttc for our second. I love him but I’m at home with him 5 days a week on my own and I just don’t feel like I’m enjoying it anymore. I just sit on my phone obsessing over these thoughts.

I very nearly called off my engagement and moved back to my parents house. With no job. Would of had to sort out custody. Would of had to pull out on the new house. I opened up to my mum about how I was feeling who told me to seek mental health help and not to make these drastic decisions at this time and that she thought leaving is the last thing I should do.

So I stayed. I went to gp. I’ve been on 10mg citalopram for 4/5 weeks. I’m still constantly obsessing over the past, and the future. Feel detached from my own life. I’m not looking at dp the same way. I’m picking him apart and focusing on any negatives. I’m almost giving myself the ick

I feel detached from my dc. I feel like I want to go back in time to when I was with one of my ex’s where I had no commitments and enjoy it more now that my life is this.. nothingy

I feel totally disconnected from my life. I can’t stop obsessing that this isn’t what I want. I don’t know what I want I just feel like this can’t be it and I must have made a mistake. I’m not sure if it counts as suicidal thoughts as I’m not thinking of acting on it but for the first time in my life I’ve started thinking a lot about suicide and how that’s probably where this will end up if I stay feeling this way for years and don’t just leave

My mum thinks that I’m depressed and using my family as the scapegoat for it all. She thinks if I pack my on paper nice life in and move back into my teenage bedroom with no job and trying to split custody that I’ll feel even worse than I do now

I just can’t turn my brain off. I spend my days online reading threads about relationships and should I leave threads and I mean like all day. Compulsively for hours on end.

I try and tell myself that I’m just sabotaging my life but then this thought pops into my head that actually this is my gut telling me to leave and seek something more

What does it sound like to someone who doesn’t know me or my life. Does it sound like typical clear as day gut telling me that I need to start fresh or does it sound like lockdown has just worn me down to the point where I’ve ended up here

I’m really lost

Desperate bump..

I'm sorry, I didn't want to read and run. It does sound like classic depression. Obviously I'm not a Dr but feeling flat/empty is one of the symptoms. I would perhaps postpone making big decisions just yet. Perhaps go back to the Dr and get your meds upped, or even ask for some counseling to help sort through your thoughts.
Best wishes to you.

Thank you.. it honestly feels like my life has just broken

It sounds like you are feeling really unsure and uncertain about your feelings. It may be helpful to speak to a counsellor to work out what it is you want / need?

I’m sorry you feel
like your life has broken. Please remember that what ever decisions you make, you won’t feel like this for ever. Change is possible. ( whatever that change ends up looking like)

I think this is definitely your mental health rather than your true feelings about your relationship and life. I've been exactly where you are but when my mental health improved I could see more clearly and my opinion on my current life was so different. Depression is like a fog that stops you seeing clearly.
I've never taken medication for depression but have you noticed any change yet since taking yours? Did the GP say how long it would take to notice an improvement?
Things that helped me were talking to someone (my employer has a counselling telephone line but if you don't have that there are lots of services available to the public. I'll try and find some for you), also guided mediation to fall asleep to, taking vitamins, regular exercise, and just doing small things that make you happy (watching your favourite comedy film, listening to songs that make you want to dance, watching You've been Framed!). I hope you feel better soon x

Phonelines including Samaritans here:
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

A confidential text service:
giveusashout.org/get-help/

Ask your GP to refer you for a course of CBT. They will help you to control your thoughts.

I think it's very hard with young children, it's very repetitive, how old is your DC??

Sounds like your burn out. I’ve thought ALL of these things. Don’t think it’s abnormal. Think you need a higher dose of citalopram thought. 10 isn’t very significant. Speak to your go again. This will get better.

@JustSleepAlready

Sounds like your burn out. I’ve thought ALL of these things. Don’t think it’s abnormal. Think you need a higher dose of citalopram thought. 10 isn’t very significant. Speak to your go again. This will get better.

This 👆🏻

Maybe your relationship will end but I’d give it some time, let lockdown ease and bear in mind that your relationships in the past ended for good reasons. Rose tinted glasses aren’t reliable.

I would recommend reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.

It's about a woman with lots of regrets about past decisions and I found it very comforting.

Most certainly sounds like depression. Lad you have started some meds - do not do anything drastic before you get straightened out
A few suggestions:

• sort out some therapy - you need a space to talk things through and be challenge
• stop reading crap online, it would drive anyone crazy
• check excercise, sleep and food habits are ok (ranjan chatterjees book on stress is good)
• think c going back to work PT
• get more social contact going soon as possible
• get date night going w partner soon as possible
• stay in touch W GP re meds - dose is low
• put off tTc for 6 months to a year

I feel EXACTLY the same way OP.
It's shit and i don't know what i want either, I am on 40mg of Citalopram have been for a year now and really don't feel much better.
Sorry I have no advise but just wanted you to know you aren't alone in your feelings. X

It also sounds like mental health issues to me, and like you need to up your dose of citalopram - 10mg is a low introductory dose. It's hard to know for sure, but I don't see anything in your post to indicate this is your gut telling you that things aren't right. Sometimes life can just wear you down and deplete your brain chemically over time and you need some help to get it back on track. It's been like that for me this past year.

Go back to your GP.

Definitely sounds like depression. The telling thing is that you feel detached from your child, not just your husband, so it's not your relationship. Your GP obviously also thinks so. Another tell is the obsessive compulsive behaviour.

10mg Citalopram isn't even the standard therapeutic dose- it's just the dose to wean you on to it so you don't get side effects. You need to be on at least 20mg (obviously discuss with your GP first).

If it wasn't depression I would recommend moving in to that teenage bedroom to see if the grass is greener, but this isn't about that.

@Bananadramallama

I feel EXACTLY the same way OP. It's shit and i don't know what i want either, I am on 40mg of Citalopram have been for a year now and really don't feel much better. Sorry I have no advise but just wanted you to know you aren't alone in your feelings. X

Tell your GP. Maybe an alternative antidepressant is needed. Have you had counselling?

I know exactly how you feel and have gone to the same place you describe. A lot of people on here mention medication a therapy.
I have a different take.
The pandemic shook everyone’s sense of security and reality and made a lot of people stop and think about their lives. When talking about your partner you mention lack of flirtation and whether you settled. You relay that you hanker after the good from the past and the potential life paths those relationships could’ve generated for you. But what you don’t say is anything negative about your partner. If that’s the case, that he’s a good guy with good qualities, I am glad you are not dealing with being treated poorly on top of how you’re feeling. Is there perhaps a dynamic whereby the more you drift away, the closer he gravitated towards you sensing this and that it makes you feel more put off him? You could try being a bit more needy and he could then back off a bit and then it could work on a reverse psychology way.
A lot of time on your hands coupled with google searches can make a niggling thought all consuming. But you’re right to explore that feeling.
Can you balance looking at the past with remembering the offputting things about them and really remember and feel it. Not so sexy now huh? It could be one instance where you were like ‘yuck’.
Maybe look at your partner as a free agent who can do what he wants, as we all can (with consequences).
I’ve fantasised about another life with other people. I’ve asked myself if I’m settling. I’ve mini sabotaged my ttc efforts (drinking coffee when for me I don’t think I should, and smoking a few cigs, working out energetically). But these are all to rebel against the humdrum of life, not the humdrum of my partner.
Of course the buzz is gone but I’ve been so lucky for so long I don’t remember that the buzz was often just a fear of losing the guy or him messing up. I don’t remember feeling anxious being in a bad relationship. Because I’m in a good one. It’s something you’ve not clarified.
Often when I feel down on my life the first thing I want to change is my partner but it’s not real because other days I’m chuffed to be with him. It helps to view your partner as an individual and not yours by default.
If you need, decide to take a time out. Sort out childcare, go do something, away from home. Maybe you feel paired with him and your life as a mother and feel like you’ve lost some individuality and autonomy? My mum followed her dreams and the example was invaluable to me as a woman as she did things not common for women of her generation.
Can I ask you, if you split from your partner, would you look for a man like your partner?
If you need flirtation, go on a night out on another town and flirt away. Do not feel guilty because somethings gotta give, better be a safe/positive outlet.