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How do I shut down an over demanding mother?

20 replies

Ilovecreamycoffee · 25/03/2021 16:26

I live at home with my mother. She definitely had some narcissistic tendencies while I was growing up but she mellowed over the years. I pay rent and I pay my way at home and I help with bills and other stuff. I just can't afford a mortgage. There's not a lot of rental properties in my area either.

She's often over demanding. She has no skills in technologies or Internet and she often gets me to help her with online shopping. I like helping her but sometimes the job is just too much. Especially on top of a working job that is high stress. I often help her but I will admit, it is a huge headache. I helped her more recently with sourcing more shoes from online. She's not deficient in shoes. They were delivered and she tried them on but unfortunately they they not fit. I am now tasked with the job of returning them. Not only returning them but organising a replacement in a bigger size. No where in their policies does it state they offer replacements. Its states they give refunds. So it looks likely I will have to return the shoes and buying more shoes in a bigger size (as if I have the money to buy more shoes for her and on top of everything else).

I am feeling poorly lately. I don't know what it is but my whole entire head aches. From my ear to my jaw. I'm not concerned it's covid. I'm following the guidelines and there is no one in my physical contacts who are positive or have symptoms. It isn't covid. I am not sleeping well at night time because of the pain. My sleep is broken. I have to continue with work though and I am just absolutely shattered.

My mother wsnted me to sort a return last night but I couldn't. I did not feel well and I told her so. I was rushing out the door to work this morning and she told me we will do it tonight. I read the return policies and there is very little to do with this except for a print off label and then to drop off to a designated collection point. That point is 12 miles away in the city and I am not free or available until Saturday. I said we will do it on Saturday when I have more time and she wasn't happy with that. She wants to sort out the return as soon as possible. Even though there is no need to do it ASAP. There is a 28 day returns policy. She still wants to do it tonight. Isn't it fantastic she wants to organise my time. I don't know what time I am going to be finished work. It could be 8 or 9 at night tonight.

I'm dreading going home. I'm tired. I am sick. I am so so so sore. I need to go to bed buy my mother will be on my back to sort out her shoe return even though they are going to be sitting in a packet anyways until I am free.

How do I shut my mother down and her ridiculous demands when I get in home? She knows I am poorly but she doesn't care so long as she gets more shoes. I am hoping by Saturday I might be at a better point. I won't have work to attend to anyways so I will be more free. I am hoping I won't be as sore in my head.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 25/03/2021 16:30

While you live there, she's got a captive audience. Can you look further afield for a rental?

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 25/03/2021 16:34

Why are you paying for them?

Just tell her you will do it, but not until Saturday when you will actually have time to drop them off. Say if she wants it doing earlier she can do it herself.

I would show her how to do things herself or she'll be forever asking you even when you don't live there. Or just refuse on the basis you need some down time outside work. A lot of businesses have customer support lines so she could always ring them herself instead of waiting for you to have time.

Ilovecreamycoffee · 25/03/2021 16:44

She knows I have been freely poorly and I am sleep deprived from being in pain at night. It should be a simple task to box the shoes up and tape the parcel and wait til Saturday but she won't leave it at that being so simple. She wants me to source the next size up in shoes for her. The shop doesn't allow that as far as I can see. They give money returns and that's it. She will expect me to rewrite the shops policies to suit herself. I don't have the energy to deal with this right now. Maybe if my work was just to let me off at a reasonable time of the evening, it might be manageable but that won't happen. It will probably be 8 or 9 at night by the time I am free. I am working since morning.

OP posts:

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Kenneldogsrock · 25/03/2021 16:55

You need to try and get out and put boundaries in place. I have been where you are and she may throw her toys out of the prom but so what? The most important issue for me is your pain, which I had when living at home. It’s stress and anxiety. Are you clenching or grinding your teeth at night? Or so tense that it is causing this?

Kenneldogsrock · 25/03/2021 16:56

Sorry pram!

TeeBee · 25/03/2021 17:01

Just keep repeating over and over again 'I will look at it on Saturday. I will look at it on Saturday. I will look at it on Saturday'. If she asks you anything about it say: 'I will look at it on Saturday'. Say it over and over until she gets the message you will look at it on Saturday.

Ilovecreamycoffee · 25/03/2021 17:04

No it's not clenching or grinding. I have no teeth on one side of my mouth on the lower so there is no grinding or clenching. I think maybe it's sinuses.

OP posts:
Yodeldodeldo · 25/03/2021 17:12

I have a similar mother, although I don't live with her. I deliberately inconvenience her a bit with the response time to her requests so that she only asks for what she really can't do herself. Otherwise I end up doing all her internet banking, shopping, searching for deals on car insurance (And then complaining at whatever price I find), DIY, etc. I work full time and have two kids, one of whom has SEN, I struggle to keep on top of my own life admin and running a home. I've come to the conclusion that she will happily work me until I drop dead of exhaustion. Yet she's not stupid or frail and if motivated enough can go abroad on holiday by herself. So recently I've stopped being so helpful and decided to put myself first, I recommend you do the same.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2021 17:16

First of all, you need to get the hell out of her house, as quickly as humanly possible. Secondly, you need to make boundaries and be assertive. "No, mum. I am not doing that tonight", end of conversation. Stop enabling her and stop allowing her to control you.

thenewduchessofhastings · 25/03/2021 17:28

@Ilovecreamycoffee

To use a well worn net mums phrase

"No is a complete sentence".

At what point have you essentially become her carer?;she's way too dependent on you.Where's your father (or her partner if she and your dad aren't together)?

GreggsScaryTeeth · 25/03/2021 17:40

You need to move out.

How old are you? Can you get on the local council list, even if it takes a while? Are there no studio flats around?

BoomTastic1 · 25/03/2021 18:28

I read a strategy for dealing with naricissitic people, it's something like this:-

Narcissistic person: 'We really need to sort out returning my shoes, I need you sort out the return'

You: 'I'm poorly, I will do it on Saturday'

NP: 'But we need to get it done, I need you to do it so I can order the other ones'

You: 'Yes it's frustrating waiting. Oh well I will do it Saturday.'

NP: 'But darling you are being selfish'

You: 'Yes I suppose I might be a bit selfish. Oh well I will do it on Saturday.'

Etc.

It's sort of taking some of the energy by acknowledging what they are projecting a little bit, but also not budging.

gamerchick · 25/03/2021 18:31

I'm pretty sure in your last thread you were given the answer to this OP.

It's time to move out of that house.

Ahbahbahbah · 25/03/2021 18:34

Yes I think a sort of calm restatement of what you are willing to do is helpful. Google “grey rock” techniques for more examples.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 25/03/2021 18:39

Just take the shoes and put them in your car....tell her its done...gets her off your back until saturday...going forward dont order anything else online for her.

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 25/03/2021 18:40

it sounds like a tension headache, or jaw ache, caused by stress.
get some time to yourself op.

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 25/03/2021 18:42

how many hours o you work a week op?

you need a break, give yourself a break

CoraPirbright · 25/03/2021 18:43

I think maybe it's sinuses

It’s entirely possible that it is Covid. I tested positive when it felt like a sinus infection.....

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 25/03/2021 18:43

lock yourself in the bathroom and have along soak op.
wear headphones so you dont have to listen.

KilljoysDutch · 25/03/2021 18:52

I have severe Deja-vu, am I imagining things or have you posted this exact scenario before?

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