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Have you met half siblings as an adult?

13 replies

AlpacaMaJammas · 24/03/2021 22:21

I have recently been in contact with my half sister that I've never met before. We're talking about meeting. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Her dad had an affair with my mum then went back to his wife. I never met him either. Is it a good idea? Will it open up old wounds? Will I regret it if I don't meet? I feel a bit confused to be honest, I'm not sure what I'm even looking for here, maybe just getting it off my chest. Did this happen to anyone? How did it turn out?

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 24/03/2021 22:27

I'm confused, is the sibling your mum or dad's child?

What is the age gap?

My DD met her half sister at the age of 16, because they did not have a shared upbringing they had almost nothing in common but still talk occasionally.

How long have you been talking to her for?

It is possible that even though it opens up old wounds it could also be healing in some ways.

WaterBottle123 · 24/03/2021 22:34

DH did, age 30, half brother was 35, he was from a relationship FIL had as a teenager but then claimed not to be the dad (we made FIL get a test).

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 24/03/2021 22:39

Badly. They didn't like my take on our father. He was a shit, and I said so. That didn't suit their narrative, even though I was the one who had lived with him by far the longest.

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EBearhug · 24/03/2021 22:41

Sort of. I was mid-20s when I found out my aunt was my half-sister. Didn't see her often, but had seen her every few years since I was a baby, so I did know her, and suddenly it was a whole different relationship.

For me, the thing that changed most was my whole understanding of my place in the family, and the trust - if my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles had all kept this from me for so many years, when I had never had any hint of it, what else could they be hiding? Who could I trust? So for me, that was the most difficult thing to handle.

Your background sounds different, but it could be the whole situation stirs up other thoughts and feelings that are more challenging than the "mere" fact of having a sibling you didn't know about. Only you can work that out, but counselling could help with that. I think it also makes a difference if your Mum or her Dad are still alive, and if either knows you have contact, because then there's a whole load of questions about do you want them to know you know and so on.

Meanwhile, with actually meeting - it should be okay to sat, "I'm not ready to meet, I need more time." Take time to think things through. There isn't a right or wrong answer, but don't rush it if you're not sure. And if it takes weeks, or months or years or never, so be it.

Take care - it's a very confusing time.

AlpacaMaJammas · 24/03/2021 22:44

She's my biological father's child. She's four years older. We're in our forties now.

I think that's what I'm hoping for, healing. It's very recent contact.
I hope your daughter got some closure and I'm glad to hear they have a relationship albeit occasional contact.

OP posts:
AlpacaMaJammas · 24/03/2021 22:45

Thanks for your responses. It is very confusing!

OP posts:
SionnachGlic · 24/03/2021 22:46

I have...mid 20's...lots of tensions betw original parents, new partners, each trying to influence & test the waters...r'ship betw half siblings respectful & interactions friendly but never close or really comfortable. Now all grown up, have own families & no contact with some, very little with others..it all just felt a bit awkward & forced after initial few wks/months. I don't think it can lead to bosom buddies if first quarter of century they were not at a part of your life. My experience anyway, no regrets about knowing & meeting but that's the way it has turned out.

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/03/2021 22:52

@AlpacaMaJammas

I have recently been in contact with my half sister that I've never met before. We're talking about meeting. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Her dad had an affair with my mum then went back to his wife. I never met him either. Is it a good idea? Will it open up old wounds? Will I regret it if I don't meet? I feel a bit confused to be honest, I'm not sure what I'm even looking for here, maybe just getting it off my chest. Did this happen to anyone? How did it turn out?
One of my friends did in another country but only after she had married and had a child with him. It was an arranged marriage but their dad (and his family) fucked off both times, so they didn’t realise until much much later. The families have taken this as a ‘meant to be’ and kept it all really quiet by not dealing much with extended family.
HerRoyalNotness · 24/03/2021 22:54

I met mine in my mid 20s. They’re quite a bit younger than me and we live in different countries. It was fine but at the time I lived a couple hrs drive and their was a lot of pressure for me to play happy families every weekend with them. Our father has since died and I keep in touch and would visit if I’m back in their country. I think of them fondly but there isn’t much of a relationship due to lack of shared history

Racquelscottish · 24/03/2021 22:55

No way @grumpyhoonmain

leavingtime · 24/03/2021 23:01

I have. A half brother [same father, different mothers] and we got on ok, nice enough man [but his wife didn't like it all I don't think]. We were both curious to meet each other [in our 40's by then]. Because he remembered me as a baby and I was told I had brothers elsewhere. But he saw things from his/my fathers point of view, I knew what things had been like for my mother [she had an awful time]. He filled me in on a lot of details about my father, who he was and his life and gave me a couple of photos. It helped me a lot at the time.

We tried writing and phoning after initial meeting but it dwindled out, there wasn't much in common, not much to say, different people, different lives. The background story wasn't a pleasant one and I think we mutually decided to let it go and not rake the past up. It was never really going to work.

JFCO · 24/03/2021 23:11

I have in my 40ies. DPs divorced and DF got married again and had my DHB when I was 19, although, my parents lost touch by then and I have never seen the baby or knew much about them. Then Facebook happened and DHB found me. First time we met we just felt connection and 10y down the line, speak on the phone at least once a week and used to meet every couple of months pre-covid. Can't wait to see him after lockdown! He is great!

minniemoocher · 24/03/2021 23:28

Exh met his half siblings as an adult. His mum had prevented contact with his dad at a time when dads rarely got court ordered access

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