I’ve been having counselling for four or five weeks . A lot of skirting around issues and not really knowing what to talk about .
Something happened this week that triggered off a huge panic in me and brought back lots of bad memories .
I had a horrendous operation down below as a teenager (what they’re now calling corrective surgery) that bothers me every single day . It was ten years ago but I think about it every day, as if it happened yesterday . Because of it I don’t eg have romantic relationships at all (or even entertain the idea that I might), I don’t care for myself as well as I should, I don’t go for healthcare when I should (eg smear tests), or if I do I need diazepam first . I get sudden memories as if it’s all happening all over again even when I know it’s not .
GP surgery rang earlier this week and told me I need to do a swab as I think I have thrush . Said I need to do it at home, they can’t help because of COVID. Have been in floods of tears at the thought . When I think about that I just shut down .
I blurted a lot of this out to counsellor earlier - said I’m desperate to know what to do - and she said what I’m describing is PTSD .
I’ve asked for help with this before and always been told I just need to get over it (from GPs, hospital consultant etc) and that there’s no NHS treatment, I’d learn to live with how I felt.
But counsellor just now told me there is NHS help, she might be able to help, and I could feel less trapped by my thoughts and I could learn to like myself again .
Feel totally thrown as I’ve never discussed this with anyone in real life at all - only on here - but she listened, and didn’t judge, and understood, and it’s only taken ten years to get that far, can’t believe it, she actually wants to help . Can’t believe it .