HOW do you raise a 3 year old well?

[Babyspiders]

I want to be a confident, kind but firm parent with a DD who feels supported and understood but has clear boundaries.

What really happens is that she seems to ignore everything I say! I'm not sure how much is age appropriate and how much not (she's just turned 3). She's not horrendous but does love a tantrum.

She's at preschool three mornings and apparently very good there, as she has been for her grandparents when I was in hospital.

Is this normal or am I getting this all wrong?

I think fairness and consistency is key, explaining reasons and knowing boundaries.

How do you respond when she ignores what you’ve asked her to do?

If she's good with other people then I'd say you're doing well! It's a lot of pressure to be good all of the time and often home is the safe space where they can release their emotions. And no 3 year old listens, it's their job just be consistent with your boundaries and it will all fall into place (hopefully, but if not then you will adapt for what works at the time).

Sounds completely normal! At 3 she's still working out her place in the world and has very little emotional regulation, everything is approached at a hundred miles an hour! I'm sure you're doing a great job. Pick your battles and embrace the ridiculous.
Mine was (and still is at nearly 4) exactly the same. Little incentives for listening may help, stickers etc

My ds is 3 in June and an absolute delight at nursery and with his grandparents. He is still delightful at home but also a terror! It shows that they are comfortable.in their home so a bit less inhibited if that makes sense.

A 3 year old job is to push a boundary to see what happens, then push it again to see if the same result happens - it's how they feel safe.

My rules to live by are only make a threat you will follow through on (ie: if you really need to get out the house, don't threaten to cancel the park trip if xy and z aren't done), and pick your battles (what matters is that toddler wears shoes, what doesn't matter is if they match)!

With behaviour I either go with "if I get to 5, this will happen", and rarely get past 2, or for example if ds won't help tidy a mess he has made then that's fine, but he sits on his little chair until he is ready to help (usually a min or so).

Plus lots of getting out, one on one time and some slightly structured free play.

Sounds normal! Just turned 3 was my least favourite stage with DD so far. She's 4 now and her listening is much better and most of the time she's lovely. At 3 I thought I was raising a sociopath

I was worried about my DS at 3. He’s now a kind-hearted, respectful, witty, confident 10 year old. He was quite a willful child who needed boundaries. Consistency is key.

It sounds like you're doing ok, they all throw tantrums, it's part of their brain development. how are you putting boundaries in place? If she starts throwing things or refuses to help then what is the consequence?

We use the naughty step, which has gone out of fashion, but it is a clear way to draw boundaries and DS is a lot happier and more settled since we started using it (before I would just get more and more frazzled and moany, 'WHY won't you pick up your toys, that's not very nice' and so on, he would get frustrated listening to me going on, it wasn't pleasant for either of us.) now it's easier, help me with tidy up time or you'll go on the naughty step, he rarely chooses the naughty step, when he does we discuss when his time is up what went wrong and what to do next time. You can call it a thinking step or whatever if you don't want to use the word 'naughty.'

I did read the how to talk so little kids listen book but found it didn't really have much impact, loads of people find it helpful but I think it depends on your child. Some children respond to words and some respond to physical actions, like the naughty step or toys being removed if they're being chucked about or whatever.

Just to add to my post, I don't ever naughty step for tantrums. If he's overwhelmed enough to tantrum then I think that's probably my fault for letting him get into that state in the first place. I let him feel his emotions, then encourage him to talk to me about it all, and offer big hugs.

Being clear in your reasoning for boundaries. Children are new to the world, they don't know the rules and an awful lot of people seem to forget that. I also think tone of voice is key. Too many people are a bit sugary sweet when they are telling children they can't do something and kids will definitely ignore that.

Consistency and persistence! Being very clear about (age-appropriate) expectations and modelling the behaviour you expect from them (even if you feel like a right plum at times!).

The best advice I was given was to remember that the times that you wanted to hug them the least was probably the time that they needed it the most. Give them roots, and wings.

Be consistent in your rules, they are trying to work out what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. It's a complicated world they have to learn to understand.

I read a book called Playful Parenting when dd was a toddler and it was amazing. It's all about how children learn through play, why they play, how you can de-escalate conflict through play, how you can teach behaviour through play, etc.