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Original poster

2nd birth partner, should I have one?

25 replies

Babypea21 · 24/03/2021 07:43

Hi everyone, I am 33 tomorrow with my first baby. Recently the rules have changed again and you can have a second birth partner in with you.
I wondered what everyone's thoughts and experiences were, did you have a 2nd person? Who was it? Were you happy they were there or regret it?

I'm really unsure what to do.
Thanks

OP posts:
MrsCaptainJakeBallard · 24/03/2021 07:44

I had my mum with my and I'm really glad I did. Her and dp get on really well & he was glad of having her there too as my labour went on for days! She was a great support to us both.

Same4Walls · 24/03/2021 07:46

Truthfully the only people I know who did this or considered it had partner's who were beyond useless. If you don't trust your partner to be able to properly care for you and advocate on your behalf then by absolutely have a second birthing partner.

RizzleRazzle · 24/03/2021 07:47

Hi OP, I'm 34 weeks although DD will be here in 3-4 weeks.

Can I ask if you are in the UK and is this a nationwide thing or just your specific trust?

My trust seem to still only be allowing one birth partner from 4cm dilated and then just 3 hours visiting time a day.

If I had the option for a second birth partner I still probably wouldn't go for it as I'm wanting as few people around as possible.

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Families
IHateThinkingUpANewUsername · 24/03/2021 07:51

I only had the one birth partner and there were moments I found him too much! There were definitely times when just him and the midwife felt like too many people.
What are you like when you are sick / have bad period pain? I’m the type to withdraw to a dark, silent room so in hindsight it’s not surprising that I was similar in birth.
Also, (assuming second birth partner is your mum) are you comfortable to poo in front of her? Grin

MrsCaptainJakeBallard · 24/03/2021 07:53

@Same4Walls

Truthfully the only people I know who did this or considered it had partner's who were beyond useless. If you don't trust your partner to be able to properly care for you and advocate on your behalf then by absolutely have a second birthing partner.
You do know that some people don't need to have a useless partner to want someone else there? My partner was fantastic and I mean fantastic when I was in labour but being in the hospital for days and having mum there doing things like going for coffee and just generally being there was nice. I'm very close to mum and was glad to share the experience with her. Absolutely nothing at all to do with my parents ability of being a birth partner!
Ohdoleavemealone · 24/03/2021 07:54

Just my husband. Didn't feel the need for anyone else and if I had chosen my mum to be there MIL would have been upset.

MrsCaptainJakeBallard · 24/03/2021 07:54

*partners ability

Same4Walls · 24/03/2021 07:56

You do know that some people don't need to have a useless partner to want someone else there?

Of course I do but my response was me sharing my opinion and experiences. I honestly don't know anyone who had a second birthing partner alongside a competent partner. I'm sure some people do but I was just sharing the fact the only people I knew who had done so were those who wanted someone there who would advocate for them as they knew their partner wouldn't.

Original poster
Babypea21 · 24/03/2021 08:13

@RizzleRazzle I am in the UK, I presumed it was for all of the UK. It changed a few weeks ago and now your birth partner can be with you straight away aswell. Hopefully yours will change too x

OP posts:
Heyha · 24/03/2021 08:17

For me, no way. There were more than enough people in the room that knew what they were doing to help. Having DP, midwife, student midwife and doctor in at the end was a squeeze!

Flittingaboutagain · 24/03/2021 08:25

That's great. Each Trust is able to make their own plans though. My local Trust UK is still not doing home births, the midwife led unit is remaining closed til at least May and they are only letting partners in for the "final stage of labour" and then they have to go home with strict short visiting hours. For that reason I'm hiring a private midwife for a home birth.

If I had to give birth in hospital, even if partner could be there, I would definitely bring a private midwife. My partner is not useless (he'd be very caring and encouraging) but is not an assertive character, so will not question interventions suggested or ask for alternatives etc.

Original poster
Babypea21 · 24/03/2021 08:36

I'm not too concerned for me its more for my husband, I don't want him to feel pushed out as my mum is quite a strong character although they do get on really well.

OP posts:
Enko · 24/03/2021 08:44

I had dh and a female friend (different one) with my last 2 and it was amazing to do. Really helped both dh and I. Dh saidnhe felt he could go for a wee or a break without worrying I had been left alone. He felt someone else was there to support him to advocate for me and he felt he was not so alone as someone in his corner.

For me I felt supported by 2 people who both cared about me and baby. I felt safe when dh went to lil room or for a smoke (thankfully he has stopped smoking now as eugh) as someone i was comfortable with was there.

I do not regret it one bit and would highly recommend you do so

PawPatrolOnARoll · 24/03/2021 08:49

I obviously didn't know I would be like this beforehand but my way of dealing with the pain was to completely withdraw and just stay in my own head. I got really pissed off every time DH spoke to because it broke my zen Grin. So another birth partner would not have helped me, but of course everyone is different.

RampantIvy · 24/03/2021 08:58

The rooms are usually quite small so if you had two partners and there are two midwives it could feel quite crowded.

FTEngineerM · 24/03/2021 09:04

The thought of that sends shudders down my spine.

Ignoring the fact I wouldn’t ever want my mum there, even a second person i was close with would be a big no.

Writhing around in pain, vag out, doctors and nurses going wrist deep.. no thanks. Just my DP was enough.

Mamamamasaurus · 24/03/2021 09:09

I can't imagine having anyone but DH with me whilst I was labouring, maybe that's because I'm NC with some of my family but DH was the only person I wanted there, during and afterwards.

If I were you I'd speak to your DH and see his thoughts, he might want someone there, he might not. I appreciate that YOU are giving birth but you seem to be concerned for DH, not yourself.

NerrSnerr · 24/03/2021 09:12

I didn't have anyone else- I actually had my second child by myself as he came early and he ended up coming at my eldest child's bedtime and felt she needed him more than I did.

I couldn't be arsed with the fuss of having someone else there. My husband is very chilled and so am I and we wanted minimal stress. We didn't tell anyone I was in labour/ having the c sections until afterwards (apart from very local friends who helped with childcare around the time of my youngest being born as I was in and out of hospital).

Toddlerteaplease · 24/03/2021 09:15

@Flittingaboutagain a private midwife wouldn't be able so do anything in a hospital.

OhToBeASeahorse · 24/03/2021 09:16

The question is do you have someone else who you are that close to who you would want to be there?

If you do, go for it. If you don't, don't. Good luck! Its painful but I loved labour, I'd do it again in a heartbeat

NameChange30 · 24/03/2021 09:16

When DC1 was born, I just had DH and an unsupportive midwife, and quite a traumatic experience as a result, so with hindsight (wonderful thing!) I wished I'd also had a doula or my mum. Despite being horrified at the idea of having my mum there before the birth, when it came to it I was so relieved when she arrived shortly after the birth.

Therefore decided to hire a doula for birth of DC2, glad I did.

DH was pretty useless both times, I think he just panics and doesn't really know what to do, it's not because he doesn't care.

Your mum's given birth before, your DH hasn't, so I think it would probably be helpful to have her there. If it's a long labour it means they can give each other breaks too and there'll always be someone with you.

Of course in the past, the husband/father wouldn't be in the room at the birth, and it would be women only (apart from male doctor if required), and while it's nice for men to be present at the birth of their child, I think it's a shame that there is now a tendency to prioritise this "right" of theirs over the actual needs of the birthing mother for the best support possible.

Bellaphant · 24/03/2021 10:06

I had my dh and my mum, my dh is great but has Asperger's and we just wanted everyone to have a good experience. It was an emergency c section in the end, which both my mum and DH advocated for me equally well when I was being rushed by the consultants who weren't letting me ask questions, and only one person was allowed into theatre, so I took dh! It was really good to have them both there and made the whole process much more relaxed.

I can't have it this time around where I am and I definitely feel worse about it. I'm jealous!

BloodyHellAudrey · 24/03/2021 10:17

I had my DM and my DM. My DH was with me through my whole induction, when I got to pushing I wanted my DM. DH phoned her and she was able to be there for when he was born.

It was the November lockdown and we did think she'd be allowed in at all so it was incredibly special.

candlemasbells · 24/03/2021 13:17

I had a very very long labour with my first and DP needed to eat/feed livestock and my DM came to the hospital and took over as I didnt want to be one my own. DM left when DP came back and Id not got any further.
DM was on standby for birth number 2 but I didnt need her, only took 12 hours.

Original poster
Babypea21 · 24/03/2021 22:41

Thanks everyone, my husband isn’t too bothered either way. I will see how I feel come the time might just have them on standby in case I feel I need them.

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