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Original poster

Should I talk to my my primary-school-aged son about porn?

28 replies

Catabogus · 23/03/2021 19:29

And if so, when and how?!

It's not a conversation I’m looking forward to AT ALL, obviously, but I was horrified by statistics I read about the number of 9-year-old boys who have already viewed hard-core porn. Shock Apparently they typically see this on a friend’s phone at school. My DS confirmed that some children at school have phones out at lunchtime and do show their friends things. (I think he meant more like Pokémon, but it has worried me no end).

So any advice on how and when to have this conversation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 19:36

Also should add: he knows how babies are made (he has always known this since tiny) but only recently learnt that people sometimes also have sex for fun. He appeared deeply baffled by the idea. So I have no idea how one moves from that to talking about the horrors of porn.

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DonLewis · 23/03/2021 19:39

Gosh. I've got an 8 year old and didn't know that about how many had viewed porn by 9. Ffs.
I've always had a policy of answering truthfully, age appropriately any difficult questions, so you could work like that? Be honest, but age appropriate.
My ds knows where babies come from, but I don't know if he knows people also have sex for fun. Lots of food for thought here.

I'm going to follow with interest.

Annoy · 23/03/2021 19:40

I’d be more concerned about 9yr olds having phones. You can’t do anything about them owning them. But why on earth is the school allowing them in the playground?

Babyiskickingmyribs · 23/03/2021 19:40

Maybe just tell him that if anyone at school ever shows him something on their phone that he finds confusing or scary or uncomfortable then he can talk to you about it, or tell his teacher about it?

Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 19:42

@Annoy

I’d be more concerned about 9yr olds having phones. You can’t do anything about them owning them. But why on earth is the school allowing them in the playground?
Yes I did wonder about this too! Apparently they aren’t allowed them in class but they are at lunchtime. Glad it’s not just me who thinks that’s odd.
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LemonRoses · 23/03/2021 19:43

I think he’s not needing it now. Too young.
I’m trying to think back. Ours must have been around fourteen when pictures of grannies in crutchless knickers curled their way out of the printer when I turned it on. We had that conversation then with him and the friend that was staying.
I don’t think there’s right time as such, I think you deal with things as they crop up and it seems like a suitable time. Teaching about consent is an ongoing process. Talking about respect is an ongoing process. The way the discussion flows depends on their actions and reactions. Conversations should be led by the child not pushed onto a child who isn’t responsive.

Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 19:44

@Babyiskickingmyribs

Maybe just tell him that if anyone at school ever shows him something on their phone that he finds confusing or scary or uncomfortable then he can talk to you about it, or tell his teacher about it?
I have told him that, and I was going to leave it there - but then I fear that that might be a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, and that I should be warning him off in advance.
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Nohomemadecandles · 23/03/2021 19:45

I'm not sure primary kids should be allowed phones on the playground? There's rules around access to content etc on school sites? Soeak yo your school.

Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 19:46

Ours must have been around fourteen when pictures of grannies in crutchless knickers curled their way out of the printer when I turned it on

Crikey! Shock

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Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 19:51

OK - so it’s really not just me who thinks the phones are an issue. Good. I can speak to school about this.

But presumably the oldest years (who walk to school alone or in groups) are also showing their friends stuff on their phones on the journey. Or in the park at the weekend etc. I would really like to pre-empt this on the porn front so that he knows in advance what it is and what’s wrong with it. But you’re right - I do have a strong sense he is much too young!

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Babyiskickingmyribs · 23/03/2021 19:55

You could go one step further then and say there are lots of great fun things do read and watch online but there are also weird things and scary things and uncomfortable things online - you could give vague examples if you like. That would let him know this is likely to happen one day. It doesn’t have to be a conversation only about porn. You could mention things like videos of accidents where people got hurt (car crashes?), videos that look like cartoons for kids but are actually made for grownups and show characters doing scary things, and also just videos designed to be scary (remember that momo character last year?)

Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 20:26

Thanks, yes, we have had the chat about how there is scary stuff online (and his internet use is very heavily restricted at home). I can reiterate this to him.

But I just feel I need - at some point, I mean, not straight away - to talk to him about how porn is nothing like real sex, and is often violent and degrading to women. When does one have that chat? I’ve just been reading another thread about vile misogynistic comments made by Year 7 boys, and it sounds as though some of those difficult conversations need to happen before then at least.

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CrazyNeighbour · 23/03/2021 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 20:42

CrazyNeighbour that’s awful! I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. I agree that it is sexual abuse if older teenagers are showing primary school kids porn.

And yes, other people’s lax internet monitoring/restrictions are a big concern - I can control what he has access to at home, but I can’t do anything about friends’ access (and therefore what they might pass on).

Thanks too for the website recommendation - I’ll take a look. I have no idea how to explain about any of this stuff though, to a child. Did you have to explain masturbation to your 9yo DD? God, it’s grim, grim, grim.

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Babyiskickingmyribs · 23/03/2021 21:18

I think as he’s only just learnt that people have sex for fun and not just to make babies, the ´most porn isn’t much like real enjoyable sex, especially from the woman’s point of view’ conversation is just going to confuse him. I agree it’s grim having to grapple with this stuff so young.

Insomnia5 · 23/03/2021 21:24

There shouldn’t be phones in school. None of the secondary schools I know allow phones, let alone primary. I’d speak to the school and let them know there’s 9 year old children showing each other porn content in the playground

HappyDaysToCome · 23/03/2021 21:56

I think in year 6. I have a year 6 DS and really need to have some sort of conversation about it. Definitely before secondary.

I now know that my (much younger) brother first started looking at porn online at age 12, and this was late 90s, so before phones everywhere.

Sally872 · 23/03/2021 22:05

I think 9 is too young. The only conversation I would have is that Internet i allow you access too is age appropriate. If you ever see anything that is not meant for children elsewhere please talk to me about it, you won't be in trouble but I would rather you tell me so we can talk anything through as I wouldn't want you to have incorrect information.

CourchevelCornichon · 23/03/2021 22:09

My niece was shown porn at 9... I'm planning on having the chat with my sons at 8/9... by 10 is too late, their peers will have started educating them by then.

CourchevelCornichon · 23/03/2021 22:10

Oh and I first saw hardcore porn at 11... in the 90s... as pp has mentioned.

Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 22:25

@Insomnia5

There shouldn’t be phones in school. None of the secondary schools I know allow phones, let alone primary. I’d speak to the school and let them know there’s 9 year old children showing each other porn content in the playground
Well this is interesting! Because on the ‘should I give my Yr 7 child a smartphone?’ thread, all the posters are saying they DO use them in school - including to look things up in class! I’d always thought phones had to be put away all day, but I think I’m behind the times.
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Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 22:28

Oh and - I don’t know that children at my son’s school are looking at porn on phones! But it seems a disturbing possibility given the prevalence of 9-11 yr olds in the UK who have seen hard-core porn in this way.

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Original poster
Catabogus · 23/03/2021 22:28

@CourchevelCornichon

My niece was shown porn at 9... I'm planning on having the chat with my sons at 8/9... by 10 is too late, their peers will have started educating them by then.
This is what I’m afraid of! But how on earth to start?
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CourchevelCornichon · 23/03/2021 22:36

Op- It is so hard- but I'd start with a chat about how babies are made again, meander into relationships and then explain plainly what porn is. My son is 6 so I do have some time to come up with something myself! But I think that's what I'd do Smile
Whenever I need to chat to him, I take him for a woodland walk. Less pressure, no-one around, less confrontational than say at a table.

CappuccinoCounter · 23/03/2021 22:38

Perhaps give him some examples of what he could say if others start trying to show him things that he doesn't want to look at - how to say, 'no I don't want to see that', or how to walk away? Of course he might be curious enough to want to see it, especially when he's a bit older, but if you can get in there first about how he might be shown things and they're not very nice or might have hurt people etc, then he may feel more able to stop himself from being shown it while he's still so young at least and not really aware of what it is.