My mother is 75 and we’ve been estranged for a few years. She is a narcissist and I have had to avoid contact with her for my own sanity. My father passed away 11 years ago from bowel cancer. Before and after he died I would drop everything to make sure she was okay. I would drive her to the hospital to see him. I lived nearly 2 hours from them so it would be a really long day. I would take time off work and away from from my husband and 2 children as she didn’t like driving. I was happy to do it and a few years after my dad passed away she came to live in the village that we lived in. She became very much part of our life, she came on family holidays, she would come round for dinner, for Christmas, Easter, in fact any event that we had, she would be invited. She has always been very direct and a little rude but about 5 or 6 years ago she started to become extremely rude, almost as though she had no filter. She started on a series of relationships and even had a relationship with a couple of married men. I was really upset about this and our relationship was really beginning to suffer.
She was rude to people in the shops, talked about people. I feel that she really thought that she was perfect whilst everyone else was flawed and I started to avoid inviting her over. Once I began to get my confidence and start to put myself and my family first our relationship really did begin to decline. We tried on a few occasions to talk things through but every time I said I felt a certain way she would say that she felt the same. We were at a stalemate, so I stopped contact altogether. When the pandemic hit I did get in touch and asked if she needed me to talk her through doing an online food shop. She said that she couldn’t do it as we had set her iPad up incorrectly. Also she had lied to my aunt that we had refused to help her update her kindle. It was all lies as we had updated her kindle (5 times) with her new bank card but for some reason it hadn’t worked so she took that as an opportunity to say that we flatly refused to help her. She even came round one day and asked my husband to look at her car as there was a problem with the windscreen wipers. Knowing what she was like my husband was reluctant to touch her car as he’s not a mechanic and suggested she pop it into the local garage as they would sort out little issues foc. She then complained to me and said my husband had told her to take it to the bloody garage and that he had been rude to her. He wasn’t rude and he just doesn’t talk like that, that’s her language so I knew she was lying. I know these things seem trivial but they all add up to really making the atmosphere quite unbearable. We’ve invited her round for a bbq before and when she didn’t like something she would say it was disgusting and chuck it on my plate.
So during the pandemic she didn’t stick to the rules, continued to see her boyfriend who lives elsewhere. We had no contact apart from birthdays and Christmas. My husband had a significant birthday last year and she didn’t acknowledge it and she also ignored his birthday the year before. So all of this was fine, we have been doing okay without her in our lives. My 2 daughters have nothing to do with her because she can say nasty things to them too. My youngest is at university and my mum has never said well done. My eldest lives in London and my mum has made it quite clear that’s she disappointed that they have both had an education and are starting on their careers. She thinks they should be married and settled with children. For the record I got married at 19 years old as I was told in no uncertain terms that was what was expected of me.
So forward to about a month ago and she gets in contact and decides that we need to start afresh with no blame either way. I asked how this was possible and she just repeated that she wants to start afresh. I feel completely drained. I agreed to give it a go and have seen her for 2 half hour walks and once on Mother’s Day to drop off a card and present. Today I get a phone call to say that she has some very bad news. She said she thinks she has cancer. Bowel cancer, like my dad had. Basically she has had a test and is being referred for a colonoscopy. I said that she would probably be fine even if is was something as it had clearly been caught early as she had a clear test 3 years ago. Here’s this kicker, she has asked if I can take her to her appointment. Ironically my husband said she was only back in contact because she needed a lift to the hospital and now it appears that was her intentions. I just feel so flat. I was happy in my uncomplicated life before she came back into it. I’ve recently started a 3 year fine art degree (which she thinks is ridiculous and has even asked last week if I was planning on using my degree for a job). Do I let her back in or do I say that I can’t commit to driving her to the hospital. I do feel that I need to put myself first but I don’t want to feel the ramifications in years to come.