Sad about being lonely after friends wedding.

[MissPessyMistic]

Sorry for putting this here, but I just have no one to talk to.

Before I start, I know I’m being completely unreasonable. These people owe me nothing and I know that.

I don’t have any close friends, lots of really good work acquaintances, but I don’t have those friends from Uni or school that you are really bonded with. I have 2 friends from work, a male and female, who I have become so close to. I love them both dearly, and I consider them my best friends. I know I am not theirs, as they too have those close bonded friendships from Uni days.

They fell in love and but it wasn’t straightforward, and I was pretty much on call 24/7 for these guys. I don’t have any issues about that, btw, it’s just that I care deeply about both of them. As a friend I’m incredibly loyal, I will do anything for you.

They are getting married this year. I’m so excited for both of them, it’s been a stressful time to get married and they are rightfully desperate to get on with their new lives. I’ve been helping my female friend to plan her wedding, she has to plan 2, one civil and one Hindu, and it’s all happening in 6 months, so I’ve been doing the online legwork for her. I’m keeping her organised, and she’s really grateful.

The last few weeks, since starting the planning I suppose, I’ve felt more and more sad about it all. At this point I’ll add that I’m 46, they re mid 30s. I have no children, fertility issues. Once they are married they will move away and begin starting a family.

I know there lives will change dramatically. They’ll want to be with their closest friends, all with children, for that shared experience and support. They’ll make new friends with families. I totally understand that, it’s a very normal thing to do. But I’m sad for myself. I’ve never made friends easily, I’m someone who needs a couple of very close friends not large groups, and of course they’re lives change as they move into the next stage, and our relationship drifts apart.

I’m being selfish and unreasonable. And yet I can’t stop crying. DH and I had made peace with never having children, but this has brought home something I hadn’t really thought of, paths diverging at key life stages and constantly being left behind. So I suddenly find myself grieving over not having children, and grieving for my friendship that is inevitably going to change.

Husband and I are totally alone. No real extended families. My parents and his mum are with us still, thank God, but they are elderly and not in great health. His mum and brothers live overseas. When they go we will be totally alone. We spoke the other day about what we would do if one of us were seriously ill or passed away. There isn’t a single person we could call. I wouldn’t want to bother my 2 friends, I feel it would be an imposition, that they’re not close enough to me to be the people to help in an emergency.

When you tell people you’re lonely the response is always the same. Join some clubs, that’s sort of thing. I think those are ok for superficial friendships, similar to work mates, but I need that one friend who loves me and who I love back. I’ll add that DH and I are very happily married for 19 years, we are each other’s best friends, but even he has admitted that he craves a close bond with someone outside of marriage.

I’m prone to depression, I have bipolar 2, but have been very well over the last 12 months, despite lockdown! This has all just dragged up so much crap in my brain.

I’m not really asking anything. I just need to feel I’ve ‘said’ things out loud, put the words down somewhere where I know they will be seen, regardless of being commented on (hope that makes sense). Like I say, this is all on me, no one has treated me badly, this is years of losing friends or not being able to make close bonds, low self esteem, all that good stuff.

If you made it this far, thank you - and well done! I hope you don’t judge me too harshly, I’m being pathetic and needy and ultimately I will just have to get over it.

Jesus Christ, I’ve just realised how long that was!

You have brushed aside the thought of "clubs, work etc" but really that is where you really can make good friends. That is where you made these two friends who are getting married. There isn't some magic other way of making friends , outside those groups.

I'd look at volunteering in some capacity as well - for years I've worked at our local museum as a meet 'n greet person and guide. I work with a different other volunteer each week and I've made a few good friendships that way. Somebody will suggest coffee after our shift, and then off you go.

When Covid restrictions lift I'd strongly suggest getting into some kind of volunteering - pet rescue, charity shops, something that interests you. Be friendly and you never know where it might take you. Good luck !

I need that one friend who loves me and who I love back

I might add that this ideal of yours is very rare at this stage of life. I'd guess that most people in their 40's and beyond, would never make that kind of friend. I haven't made a friend like that since I was 18.

I think you need to be realistic - at this stage of life you can meet nice friendly people and some may become real "friends" but you're not going to meet your soul mate who loves you . If you're dreaming of that you'll be disappointed .

@starrynight21

I need that one friend who loves me and who I love back

I might add that this ideal of yours is very rare at this stage of life. I'd guess that most people in their 40's and beyond, would never make that kind of friend. I haven't made a friend like that since I was 18.

I think you need to be realistic - at this stage of life you can meet nice friendly people and some may become real "friends" but you're not going to meet your soul mate who loves you . If you're dreaming of that you'll be disappointed .

You’re right, and I think deep down I know that. I did have have a couple of very close friends in college through to my early 30s but again they had families and moved overseas. I’ve tried to keep in touch but got nothing back. It’s possibly why I crave that sort of friendship again, but as you say that ship has sailed.

Work has always where I’ve made friends, but my current job is in a team of twenty somethings and there really isn’t a relationship with them at all. My female friend still works with me but I know after her wedding she’s going to start job hunting. I just have to deal with it really, though I might look at speaking to someone professionally because it’s really normal and this fear of being alone is just growing. Probably imminent old age! (Smile)

Doh, I meant not normal!

Have you thought about fostering or adopting? Many people once they have children that’s it. Their attention is on their children. They will only have time for their inner circle/family. I can’t tell you how to make friends because I don’t have really any either. I know once my acquaintances get married that’ll be it. Haven’t seen them in years s anyway but keep in contact on wattsapp regularly. But I can imagine once the marriage and children happen that will stop too. Even making friends with people of the same age as you will be difficult. Because again they’re main priority is their family. I’m sure many do make great friends at a later stage but it’s very difficult especially during a pandemic! That’s why I would suggest fostering or adopting. You can still have your own little family if you wanted. I too will consider this when I am older.

Aw I know how you feel OP, I always feel like that too when people close to me are going through big life events. Like when my friend got married, and when my sister had her first baby. I felt really left behind and like our relationship would change forever. But you know, they haven't really changed. We don't see each other as much, just like you might not see your friends as much either. But we still chat on WhatsApp all the time and they're still the same people!

I think though, you know you need to make more effort to build up a social circle. I don't know if many people have that one best friend you're looking for - I certainly don't. Everyone in the books I read have best friends but they're just plot devices. It's not real. The rest of us genuinely do meet people through groups and volunteering etc.

I am not sure its the same, but I have 3 friends who are childless. 2 are a couple (so not sure if that changes things) the other hates kids, he is very clear on that.

With the couple I have been friends with them for a good 15-20 years, the other one its been 10 years and we were really good drinking partners.

I have since had a child and I am still friends with them, things have changed of course, but we still message each other, go for drinks etc.

Having a child does change things, however my friends for the first year fitted in with my plans. Understood I couldn't go to a pub and stay out till the wee hours. If we met for lunch, it would be a more child friendly resturant that type of things, after a year or so I could do those things, mainly cause I was not breastfeeding and felt I could leave my child.

So even if you think, that it might happen, friends stick around.

I also have bipolar type 2 and it is a massive bitch and really does fuck with you.

I was you but with children. Our lives involve a lot of travel, and it has been extremely lonely for me. I did a few things to shake my brain up which included a night course, volunteering in an old folks home to read books to then patients and in a shop. I also joined a book club and a birdwatching club. It ended up with me making new, and very dear friends at the ripe old age of 55! An incredible group of interesting, generous women aged between 50 and 70.
I was/AM amazed that friendship has come out of it but it did. A most beautiful gift.
Be sad; it is ok to feel. Then shake it up! I am now looking for a cycling club - Covid friendly!

I’m very similar to you OP. I had one good friend but we now live quite far apart, even when I lived closer she wasn’t really interested in me once she’d had DC, only interested in other mums. I had another good friend through work, but then I got made redundant and had to move away. It’s shit.

I’m still in touch with both; but I’ve noticed I always have to send the first message. I’m not their priority, both have closer friends. My work friend doesn’t have DC but has a much closer circle she’s known from school.

I do a hobby and have people I chat to and am friendly with on a superficial basis when I’m there (so not for almost a year - it’s all been on Zoom since 2020). I feel like people ‘other’ me and that I’m an oddity because I don’t have DC (DH and I met when we were late ‘50s & late ‘30s, he’s had medical treatment that left him infertile).

My team at work are lovely and I have good work friends, but no one I could call if anything happened to me/DH. I even found it difficult to make a will (still not done it) as the solicitor said it would be preferable to have an executor who wasn’t family as I want to leave stuff to my DN. I haven’t a single person I could name.

Sorry to be no help, but you’re not alone in this. I’ve always found it difficult to make and keep friends and I don’t know why. I did an evening class years ago and again, was friendly enough on class nights, but a group of 3/4 became really close and kept in touch for years after (I worked in a pub they used to drink in).

I don’t know why I never seem to be one of those people. I’m nice, normal, can hold a conversation...I don’t get it. I also suffer from anxiety/depression which probably doesn’t help.

I have a few close friends and I've met them after the age of 30 through an informal cycling group I'm in on Facebook. I am no longer in touch with anyone from school or uni. So just to say that that is kind of how to make friends as an adult,don't dismiss it. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely though.

And I also don't have children. Not do my friends - there are others out there who aren't just interested in the motherhood path.

@garlictwist I know those people exist and I’m going to sound totally Hyacinth Bucket here....but I suspect it depends on the area. When I was in London/SE there were a lot more childless people than in my hometown (ex mining town in NW). And people seem to have kids a bit later in life there. My above-mentioned friend was 33 & 36, most of my school year (I’m 41) had kids in late teens/20s and a couple are now DGPs.

I unfortunately had to move back here after DH & I both got made redundant as we sold his house in Beds and bought one outright, he wants me to have the security if anything should happen. He’s older and took his pension on redundancy, he was a high earner. I wasn’t/aren’t.

It’s hard for me to join clubs etc. as I work shifts, so can never commit to anything as I could only do every other week, at best and then I’m knackered as it means I’m on the early shift if I’m free in the evenings. I work EOW as well, so weekends are out too. The hobby I do is one where it doesn’t matter if you miss a week, luckily.

I love reading and have wanted to join book clubs in the past, but shift work makes it very difficult.

I get this and I get that there may not be a way to create those deep, worthwhile relationships now. If it was me I'd focus on some sort of interest that can be enjoyed alone but then I've had terrible luck with groups and volunteering.

Lock down hasn't helped but I have made a couple of close friends since I moved. But you don't do it sitting at home. No one comes knocking on your door looking for a friend!
Friend 1 Is same age as me, early 50s. Met at Rock Choir. I invited her put for a coffee and we took it from there. I always make sure I message a couple of times a week and now we are meeting up for walks and chats.
Another from a counselling course I did. That is a great way to make friends cos you learn lots about people very quickly!
Also, don't dismiss the impact you have on your friends. Yes they will be doing other things but they're still your mates!

You really do need to put yourself around people in order to meet them. Not everyone wants to do yoga etc, but there may well be something locally that appeals to you.

When you explained your situation initially, I assumed you were single. When you then added you had been married for 19 years and presumably dating for a few before that, I wonder if you put all your 'friendship eggs' in your husband basket too early. Partners absolutely can be your best friend, but they should not fulfil your whole social requirement. And, I say this gently, don't do more for the new people you meet than they would do for you.

Thank you all so much for replying. As much as I hate to hear that others are in the same boat it’s actually comforting to hear that it’s not just me. You’ve also given some great advice. Social anxiety doesn’t help with getting myself out there, so to speak, but it doesn’t stop me from having a look in the local area to see what’s available.

Thanks you.

Don't pin all your hopes on one 'best friend' type relationship that will last forever. I'm 51 and over the years have gone through the cycle of making close friendships and then they drift off because of location and life stages, more times than I can count. It hurts but you carry on - that you have friends for reasons and seasons is true.

It's also not true that you can't make deep friendships later in life, I certainly have in the last 5 years. In my case through work, but I'm trying online book groups and friends apps as well and that's going pretty well.

So don't put your eggs all in one basket, meet a variety of people that can be a handful of close friends, some will develop more than others. I'd be quite intimidated if I met someone new and felt they were trying to make me into their one 'best friend'.

Have a look at Gateway Women.

My best friends have all been as a result of joing a club. I joined this club at 46. We go to the pub on a Friday and go away on weekend breaks together. Please do not dismiss clubs!

@PrawnSalad

Have a look at Gateway Women.

Thank you for this. I don’t think I ever really grieved for not being able to have a child (or for a miscarriage when I was in my early 30s) and I think that might be what drives my feelings towards this lovely couple. This site looks really helpful, thank you so much for sharing.

"I need that one friend who loves me and who I love back"

I know that feeling too well

@Superstardjs

You really do need to put yourself around people in order to meet them. Not everyone wants to do yoga etc, but there may well be something locally that appeals to you. When you explained your situation initially, I assumed you were single. When you then added you had been married for 19 years and presumably dating for a few before that, I wonder if you put all your 'friendship eggs' in your husband basket too early. Partners absolutely can be your best friend, but they should not fulfil your whole social requirement. And, I say this gently, don't do more for the new people you meet than they would do for you.

Exactly this. What struck me in your OP was that you say you were ‘on call 24/7’ when your two work friends fell in love, and now you seem to be doing vast among of helping with wedding prep. I don’t think it is healthy to have a pattern of positioning yourself in the ‘service provider’ role in your friendships — it means you’re not focusing on your own life and priorities, for one thing, and it risks making you the invisible helper, not someone with your own life/drama/needs.

And it’s also striking that you’ve been on call 24/7 during their drama, and are helping organise their wedding, but would feel it was an ‘imposition’ to even phone them if your DH died???

Surely you can see that’s not a healthy dynamic, that your friendship seems to involve you being a helper/shoulder to cry on, without it ever being about you and your needs?

And it does sound as if here again, as @Superstardjs has said, you’ve been putting all your friendship eggs in one basket, and are mourning losing them.

I think you and some other posters are being unnecessarily fatalistic about friendships in your 40s. I’m 48 and. just moved countries a year ago, and am making new friends — as yet, with the lockdowns, it’s pretty casual, but you don’t start off with ‘deep’ individual friendships. Another friend who is 46 moved countries last July and is also making new friends, despite the lockdowns. Don’t write it off.

And if you’re at any level considering adoption, if you are newly mourning the loss of the chance to have a child, a key thing is developing a support network of people.